Fight me, ya punk

I recently became involved in the local scene and I've been going to munches, buying toys, and playing with strangers. One thing I seemed to have forgotten, and I think people just tend to let this slip their minds, is that submission is fucking hard. Yes, dominating/topping/owning someone is difficult too, but I'm going to talk about the strength needed to relinquish control.

People submit for a host of reasons. For me, one of the main forces that draws me towards the S side of a D/s relationship is my anxiety. I try so hard throughout my day and going through life to plan and control everything. I used to be miss spontaneous, I'd go on adventures in the middle of the night and dance in the rain. Now I plan out my time like it is a religious act.

I triple check my alarms and leave an hour early for a twenty minute drive. I make lists and I check them way more than twice, then I follow the itinerary and remain stressed and anxious the entire time. I don't sleep well and I have nightmares, which adds another point of strain to my mind. I constantly have thirty things racing through my brain and you better believe I'm worried about all of them.

It's fucking exhausting. So many thoughts and fears continually expanding into new worries. It never stops for me, the need to plan things out and freak out over the possibility of a semi bad outcome.

The list of things that helps is very short. Wearing a special collar I got a while back, being distracted by friends, and submission.

Now, I'm bratty as hell and anyone who knows me can confirm it. I fight that submission tooth and nail because it is hard to give in. It's so difficult to let someone else decide what I need to focus on. It's nearly impossible to stop worrying. So, I need my submission to be taken. I need to fight until my top/dom/owner/whatever can drag that submission out of the corner of my mind. I don't make it easy on them because it's not easy for me.

But when it finally happens, when I finally can submit to someone, you know what happens? Silence. My mind is no longer a cold sharp calculating list of future plans. It becomes fuzzy and words are hard and I'm able to simply exist as my dom/top/owner/whatever wants. I can simply breathe and relax. It's like magic.

But it is the hardest thing in the world for me to do. It's nearly impossible.

So, let me make one thing extremely clear. My submission is the strongest part about me. I am not weak or less than any dom because I do not command others. There is a storm inside of me and when you stand at the Eye, you can understand the power I hold. Don't mistake the stillness at my center to be a weakness when calamity is all around. You cannot break a storm. You cannot conquer it and you cannot conquer me. A hurricane isn't a challenge, so do not assume I can be tamed.