How Not To Be A Dumbinant.

Posted 04-27-2018 at 12:56 PM by IceMaiden
Updated 04-27-2018 at 01:02 PM by IceMaiden

So you say you are a dom, but are you really? Or are you really a dumbinant? If you find yourself doing any of the below you are not a dominant but a dumbinant.

But it's okay, you can amend your ways! I will help you out by telling you what not to do and hopefully help you turn from a dumbinant into a dominant!

#1 Don't call all subs/slaves whores, bitches, sluts etc. Not every sub likes that. Not every sub gets turned on by that. Not every sub enjoys name calling even by their partner, never mind total strangers. This also applies to the subs who say they do like this sort of verbal play but haven't given you express consent to call them names. Just because a sub enjoys it in play doesn't mean they enjoy it by everyone!

#2 Don't spam PM's with the awful "Hey u wanna be my sub" type messages to people you have never even spoken to before. How do you know their likes match yours? How do you know you are a good match not only kink wise but friend/vanilla wise? How do you know everything you love to do isn't a limit of the poor soul you are spamming and irritating? You don't, because you never bothered to get to know them first. D/s doesn't happen in two minutes, it takes time and trust and friendship and mutual interests.

#3 Don't assume you can take more than what has been offered if you are playing with someone, adding to someone's threads or sending PM dares, unless they have given you consent to do so. They might only want casual play and that is their way of getting it, they didn't say it was okay for you to add 1038349 conditions and orders to what they were prepared to do.

#4 Don't reply to the ads searching for a dom/me with "hi slut, kik me, do this for me, send me pics," type of responses. Unless they have agreed to enter into a relationship with you, they owe you nothing.

#5 Don't assume all subs are the same and treat them as such. There is not much that is more annoying than "But x did it fine" "But x was willing to do it for me." Subs are not all the same and one style of domming a sub will not work for the next!

#6 Don't start a message with "I read your profile and..." when it is clear you didn't! That just makes it seem like you're either a: Looking for a quick way to get off or B: A douche and C: A liar.
*I actually had this one. He started the message with how great my profile was and how he enjoyed it...and followed it up with did I want to be his sub. Even if I wasn't owned, even if I was looking, I am not going to enter a relationship with someone's whose first sentence to me was a lie.

#7 Don't give a sub a task that is obviously dangerous. Some newbie submissives may not realize the dangers and it is up to them to take of theirself as well, but as the person giving the task you should be first making sure it is safe to do, you have a duty of care to the submissive. And if you're not sure...ask! Better a dominant that researches and can admit maybe it wasn't a great idea after all, than a douchebag who can't be assed.

#8 Don't assume that because someone identifies as a submissive or slave that you automatically have authority over them. You. Do. Not. Identifying as a submissive, does not make them your submissive. Not until they have consented.

#9 Don't think D/s is 50 shades. If you think that there's no help anyone can give you, so go away now. Forever.

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	Personally, I call these people vanilla assholes They just heard somewhere that we like sex and we are open about our sexuality in sites like this one and fetlife and they thought "oh shit i get to be an asshole and get away with it??? And on top of that they like it??? SWEET!"
	Posted 04-27-2018 at 01:29 PM by lilith_

You are aware that about half of the things you describe are actually signs of someone being a newbie rather than an asshole fishing for nudes, right ?

I opened this up because I expected it would be a funny post or something and instead I found a cold-hearted, bitter rant against people who are new to D/s. Your message to people who are new and don't know what they're doing yet is, and I quote: "Don't think D/s is 50 shades. If you think that there's no help anyone can give you, so go away now. Forever." ... D/s is supposed to be much more inclusive to newcomers, it's a transformative experience, not everyone starts out knowing all there is to know about it and it's constantly misrepresented in the media which results in people checking it out thinking it's different than it actually is.

I'm not saying you have any responsiblity to help any newcomer who messages you but I am saying that this is the complete opposite of the attitude the D/s community should have.

And do you realize how ignorant it is to complain about 50 shades when talking about doms ? The book's target demographic is potential female submissives, not doms. I've never read the book myself but I've had a sub before who's only experience with this world was through that book and although she didn't know anything else when she started she's pretty great now and I'm really glad the first message she read on this site wasn't you telling her "Don't think D/s is 50 shades. If you think that there's no help anyone can give you, so go away now. Forever."

For some people D/s actually IS different than it is for you, you don't get to decide something isn't "REAL D/s" just because it's not something you personally enjoy.

And this isn't a Doms vs subs thing, I'd be saying the same thing if I'd have read a post about "submidiots". This is the worst most bitter attitude I have heard against newbies.

The other about half of the points are perfectly valid and signs of low-effort teenagers fishing for nudes and I 100% agree with you on them, maybe you should have focused more on that.

Posted 04-28-2018 at 03:48 PM by SlutTrainer SlutTrainer is offline

Good news! I pass all these, I am definitely not a dumbinant

Posted 04-28-2018 at 08:55 PM by KittyAydy

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Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

At no point in the blog did I say this was directed to newbies. As the title suggests it is directed at the people who think it is okay to use D/s as an excuse to be abusive. Across the other 100+ blogs I have posted you will find me say things like "What works for you may not work for someone else and that IS OKAY." or "Just because someone tells you your way is wrong, doesn't mean it is. D/s is different for everyone." and a multitude of similar comments.

My 50 shades quote, again, is directed at the people who think D/s gives them a pass to be abusive. Not potential subs, but the people/'doms' who think the way Christian Grey acts is actual dominance/act the same way. You say you haven't read the book so I will note a few key points for you - Emotional abuse, physical abuse, stalking and rape. I didn't decide that isn't real D/s, the law did. And I think anyone who is a decent human being would agree that is wrong. So I don't think I am being ignorant with the comment I made and I think it would make more sense for you to defend something you have actually read, or at the very least clarify I actually meant things the way you took them before throwing accusations about of being cold and bitter to newbies and putting words in my mouth that I never even said.

Nowhere in the blog did I state that if you do D/s a different way than I do, that means your D/s isn't real. I even stated one style of domming wouldn't work for the next sub because not all subs are the same. The only time I touched on what ISN'T D/s is when referencing abuse. And yes, I do get to decide that abuse isn't d/s, because abuse isn't consensual or safe or right or done by anyone who isn't a jerk. I am fairly confident that the majority of people would agree abuse is not D/s.

I also never stated anywhere that I would be unwilling to help someone who is new or that I would exclude someone because of the fact they were new to D/s or claimed to know everything there is to know about D/s. I could continue learning for another 20 years and I still wouldn't know even half of what there is to know.

Some of the things I listed may be done by someone new and learning and not just assholes and yes maybe I could have been clearer which comments were aimed where, but again I thought the title made it relatively clear, along with the fact that a polite and respectful person would be unlikely to do them. Your comment focuses mostly on my attitude to newbies...when this blog isn't targeting newbies in the first place.

Posted 04-29-2018 at 05:32 AM by IceMaiden IceMaiden is offline

Updated 04-29-2018 at 10:57 AM by IceMaiden

While it is, of course, obvious that I would defend IceMaiden, it is not always the case that I agree with her - furthermore, in my experience, she needs little defending. However I do have a few problems with this comment that I would like to address.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

You are aware that about half of the things you describe are actually signs of someone being a newbie rather than an asshole fishing for nudes, right ?

So early in, and already we have two problems. Tsk tsk. Tackling the second first - at no point was "asshole fishing for nudes" mentioned in the original blog. "Dumbinant" is the term used by IceMaiden, and a few others, to refer to pseudo-Dominants who do not have a base understanding of BDSM, jumping in with both feet with little knowledge and less desire to learn. These people are at best irritating and at worst potentially dangerous. Unchecked they present real risks to phyiscal and mental health, and to socially destroy a submissive not equipped with adequate bullshit detection.

The first of the two issues - half of the points raised are signs of someone being new.

Quote:

#1 Don't call all subs/slaves whores, bitches, sluts etc...

I would think that this was self evident. A general lack of respect, and the assumption that all submissives are, or respond well to, such names is not a sign of being new, it is instead an indication of being clueless.

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#2 Don't spam PM's with the awful "Hey u wanna be my sub" type messages...

As above, this is not a sign of inexperience. Any relationship is founded on shared interests and goals, a bond formed over time, etc etc. Expecting anyone to submit to you when they do not know you or you them is frankly stupid.

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#3 Don't assume you can take more than what has been offered...

It could be argued, I suppose, that this is a sign of being new. However, D/s is a negotiated relationship and submissives have their limits for very good reasons. People offer what they are willing to give, and attempting to push past this is so obviously dickish that inexperience doesnt excuse it.

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#4 Don't reply to the ads searching for a dom/me with "hi slut, kik me, do this for me, send me pics," type of responses.

Assumption that one is God's gift and somehow entitled to anything from anyone without conversation and consent is again not a sign of being new - though this is covered mostly by point 2.

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#5 Don't assume all subs are the same and treat them as such.

We are now past the halfway point, and I am still waiting for one of these to be applicable to a "newbie" rather than a moron.

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#6 Don't start a message with "I read your profile and..." when it is clear you didn't!

Alas, this is not exclusive to pseudo-Dominants. The internet is full of these poor people. That said - newbie or doofus? I will leave that decision to you (so long as you pick the second option, obviously.)

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#7 Don't give a sub a task that is obviously dangerous.

The key word here is obviously. There are risks involved in BDSM, but SSC and RACK both aim to control and minimise these risks. I will happily admit that a learner will have to research what I mean by SSC and RACK - however, telling someone to do something obviously dangerous is stupid to the point of, well, dangerous.

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#8 Don't assume that because someone identifies as a submissive or slave that you automatically have authority over them.

The same way as assuming that every gay/straight/whatever person wants you because of your gender... nope, not newbie.

And so we have 8/9 points which are decidedly not newbie mistakes. Unless mathematics has changed significantly in the twenty five years since I left school, this doesnt come close to being half. But moving on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

I opened this up because I expected it would be a funny post or something and instead I found a cold-hearted, bitter rant against people who are new to D/s.

"To assume is to make an ass of u and me."

But cold-hearted? Even if you were to accept bitter as true - which I personally don't - this is obviously an empassioned blog. Therefore hot-blooded would surely be much more appropriate than cold-hearted, no?

As for bitter - I think it safe to say that there is a certain weariness that could pass for bitterness - that comes naturally when continually subjected to the trivialities of the mindless, or watching ones friends and peers undergo the same treatment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

I'm not saying you have any responsiblity to help any newcomer who messages you but I am saying that this is the complete opposite of the attitude the D/s community should have.

Nope. The D/s community should not be all inclusive. There are ample opportunities online and within the "real world" for people to arm themselves with knowledge BEFORE they jump in with both feet and fists swinging. It is the responsibility of anyone involved in D/s to either educate or eradicate people who fall into the above categories as it is people like these, above all else who are the cause of

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

constantly misrepresented in the media which results in people checking it out thinking it's different than it actually is.

But to move on again - SO MANY issues, oh dearie me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

And do you realize how ignorant it is to complain about 50 shades when talking about doms ? The book's target demographic is potential female submissives, not doms

And do you realise how ignorant it is to imagine or assume one can seperate the two? How ignorant it is to presume that the target demographic is going to look at the two dimensinal portrayal of Christian Grey and hold that up as a shining example of what it is to be a Dominant? How ignorant it is to call someone ignorant and immedieately follow with

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

I've never read the book myself but

when the very definition of ignorance is forming and espousing opinions on which you have no knowledge or understanding?

I HAVE read the book - well, the first one anyway. My personal opinion is that it is badly written claptrap penned by an avid authoress of "Twilight" fan-fiction who didn't bother to change the characters or characteristics of the lead characters from her previous works - but instead slotted them into a new setting. Her portrayal of D/s was wrong and abusive. The relationships she wrote about were fucked up and unhealthy and dangerous.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

The other about half of the points are perfectly valid and signs of low-effort teenagers fishing for nudes and I 100% agree with you on them, maybe you should have focused more on that.

The other 6% (I did the maths) of your argumemts are vaild. Perhaps you should have focussed more on those.

Posted 04-29-2018 at 02:52 PM by AbusiveMaster AbusiveMaster is offline

It looks like you took this as a personal attack on who you actually are, I don't know you and haven't read any of the other 100+ blogs you just mentioned you've posted and this wasn't a criticism of who you come across as in those other blogs or who you actually are. This was a criticism of what you wrote in this post and how you come across in this post and no others. You can tell when this happens when the message is posted as a comment to only this post and not as a visitor message AND by the fact that it doesn't reference anything you've said or done outside of writing this post. I don't know you, I just know what you wrote in this isolated post.

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