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The fog is lifting

Posted 02-21-2019 at 08:50 PM by Butterfly

As I am writing this, I am feeling grumpy, sad, tired, anxious, nervous, frustrated, scared, and just bleh in general. It has been a rough few months ... hell a rough year. I have been trying to push through and remain as positive as I can, but it is hard (Ps. I actually started writing this blog a few days ago, so these emotions aren't actually accurate to how I am feeling right now).

The truth is, I haven't felt like myself in a long time. Even when I am having a good day, I feel like I am in a fog. I go through periods of being stressed, anxious, sad, etc. and then it flips to the other extreme and I become numb to all emotions.

The most troubling is that feeling of numbness. Feeling like I am wearing a mask, a fake smile, just going through the motions and pretending.


But over the last week something changed ...

The fog started to lift, the heaviness in my heart lightened. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I started to banter and flirt and smile ... a real smile! I was laughing, a real laugh, for the first time in so long.

I don't know what for sure caused this change, I don't think it was just one thing, but rather, a combination of a bunch of factors.

First is that my mom found an apartment. I was able to help get her in contact with some local resources who helped her find a place, and even helped pay for some of the starting costs of moving into a new apartment. This was a huge weight off my heart. Knowing that my mom and brother are going to be safe, and can heal from the devastation and wreckage that the fire caused.

Second my mom has decided to move here, which is also a great relief. I love knowing that she will be here with me in less than a year. It is going to be hard to wait, but having that to hold onto is great.

Of course there is also the constant in my life that is Mr. Devious. He really is my rock. I don't know what I would do without him. Now, even though his love and support has never wavered, he has been exceptionally incredible with me the last week. He has taken on extra chores, planned and participated in some extra fun activities/outings with me and giving me extra big snuggles and hugs.

One more thing that Mr. Devious has done is participate in weekly Skype calls with my mom and brothers. I know it isn't his favorite thing (my family is very loud and crazy, and he is quiet), but having my family become closer, and having Mr. Devious be a part of that, makes my heart happy.

Thank you Mr. Devious! Thank you for being my rock. Thank you for being my everything. Thank you for doing everything you can possibly do for me plus more. Thank you for putting up with my grumpiness, my sadness, and all of my craziness. Thank you for being my punching bag, my snot rag, my happy place. You go above and beyond every day to show me how much you love me, to make me the happiest I can be. I truly am so lucky to have somebody so amazing in my life.


I have also taken my own advice and stopped some of the negativity around me. I was very brave and stood up to one of my coworkers (I hate confrontation). I told him that I had too much going on in my life and that I just couldn't handle one more thing. I asked him to stop the office gossip (read bullying) and please not involve me. This scared me more than anything because I didn't want to become the next target or cause more drama. But it WORKED!

Lastly, there is the little matter of a hopeful new co-Dom in my life. Honestly, the more I talk to him, the more I adore him. We really are a great match when it comes to kinks, life and kink philosophies and personalities. I love that I can be myself with him. I love that he lets me be bratty, but also knows exactly when to put me back in line. I love that I am feeling controlled again, even if it is just a little bit for now.


Thank you to my mystery Dom. You have awakened a part of me that has been asleep for a long time. You have made me feel hopeful and excited. You are a lightness in the dark that I have been feeling. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for taking my abuse. Thank you for giving me hope.

This week I haven't had to hide behind a mask. I haven't had to put on a fake smile. I have been bantering, flirting, smiling, giggling ... My laugh has been REAL! And even though when I started this blog I was feeling down, the victory is in the fact that I was FEELING! I can feel!


Tomorrow I am headed off to the mountains with my two best friends. I need this. Driving in the car, dancing and singing along to music. Drinking and playing games. Long talks in the hot tub. Taking in the breath taking views and fresh mountain air. I need let loose, read, laugh, talk about some naughty things with my besties. Eating amazing food, relaxing at the spa, late nights and chick flicks. I need this!

The fog is lifting. I am feeling like me ... and you know what? I forgot how much I like me!


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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    Well I never forgot how much I like you Miss. I am so happy for you that you are finally starting to become yourself again and that the new year can start (okay it's February but I think it still counts) on some positive notes.

    I am wishing you much more positive things this year and lots of fun with your new Dom. I'm a bit jealous about the hot tub!
    Posted 02-21-2019 at 09:11 PM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Faithfullyyours's Avatar
    For your playlist: https://youtu.be/06X5HYynP5E

    https://youtu.be/gte3BoXKwP0

    And one of my favorite Mittle ones: https://youtu.be/EyQPJzAG07c
    Posted 02-21-2019 at 11:33 PM by Faithfullyyours Faithfullyyours is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Wedgiebondagebabe's Avatar
    I love you! I am so glad things are starting to get better. It makes me smile to know when you are doing well and I love hearing it! I am so glad I logged in today and got to read this! I hope things keep going up for you, but regardless, I am here for you no matter what.
    Posted 02-22-2019 at 07:08 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe Wedgiebondagebabe is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jaro View Comment
    Well I never forgot how much I like you Miss. I am so happy for you that you are finally starting to become yourself again and that the new year can start (okay it's February but I think it still counts) on some positive notes.

    I am wishing you much more positive things this year and lots of fun with your new Dom. I'm a bit jealous about the hot tub!
    Thank you. You are an amazing friend to me. I really hope this year goes up from here.

    We will have to go somewhere with a hot tub when you visit!
    Posted 02-24-2019 at 08:33 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Wedgiebondagebabe View Comment
    I love you! I am so glad things are starting to get better. It makes me smile to know when you are doing well and I love hearing it! I am so glad I logged in today and got to read this! I hope things keep going up for you, but regardless, I am here for you no matter what.
    I love you too. Thank you very much or your support.
    Posted 02-24-2019 at 08:33 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
 

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