The king... Has returned...
Posted 07-10-2015 at 07:21 AM by Sarge90
Good evening.
I'm back, don't know how long for, but I'd like to take this opportunity to speak about something rather dear to me: me. I have several confessions to make, and I only intend to make one right now.
I have suffered from depression since I was 15, in varying degrees, initially set off by a lack of control in my life and the loss of the first close relative (I've been lucky in that this was the only close relative I have ever lost to date). I internalised and I had discovered getdare shortly before this, so I had a system, an outlet, a way to avoid my feelings until I was capable of processing them.
Several years later I met a girl, we fell in love, a whirlwind romance that started as convenient became so much more, and to this day I still love that girl, but I no longer like her... I can't say with any level of coincidence whether or not she ever loved me or if I was merely convenient throughout. During our years together, I was away from this site, I had grown to believe I was happy, even moving to another city significantly different from my hometown.
Her initial understanding of my depression, my internalisation and my system for dealing with stress (I was 20, she was 18, hormones were still in flux so I may have used masturbation as a crutch or even an excuse) however, this coupled with the fact that she never really believed I loved her and the likely scenario that she actually never did love me all led rather naturally to our eventual break up.
I want to make it perfectly clear that I genuinely believed I was happy. After a few years of reflection I can honestly say that I was only slightly less depressed than I had been (possibly due to having somebody to listen to me, or just a ridiculous amount of sex on a very regular basis).
However, at the time I was distraught, inconsolable. I did what I always did, I ran and hid, ending up on here. It may not be ideal, but it works for me. As it happened, I met a girl who I came to view as a very good friend, and as my confidence grew on here I met several others who I became very close to. Now, that's all well and good on here, but my personal life was a shambles.
When my fiance and I broke it off I had been living here for about 2 years, but I knew nobody outside of work and her friends and family. Mine were all several hundred miles away. As time went on I got to know some people from work, they introduced me to others they knew and I now have a group of friends and strong network of acquaintances, which places me on much firmer ground than before.
I also turned heavily to drink, which everybody can tell you is simply the wrong way to go about it. I love whisky, I love the taste, the smell, the feel of a single malt in your hand, one I've cube slowly melting to release more of the flavour... But that's my point, drinking should be a pleasurable experience. It got to the stage where I was drinking shots (even the best flavorings can't make any of those taste decent) and throwing up every night, turning up late and hungover to work, my job was in jeopardy.
All of this outside stress and worry led me deeper into depression, I spent more time on this site and with the people on it than I did in the offline world. Something had to give.
Then, about a year and a half ago, as I calmed down, settled myself, got into a routine and could afford to live (funny how cutting down on drinking leaves you with more money to enjoy yourself with) I got offered an opportunity to move to a different area of the business, and it suited me perfectly; more money, longer hours but more days off, more of an idea how everything fits into place in the company, etc. I loved it.
Shortly after, due to not having access to my phone during shifts and due to several things happening all at once (somebody disappeared, I took a break from somebody else, and I think I got a new phone and just didn't bother to install the various messengers I used to frequent) I left getdare again. I can honestly say this was the best thing I could have ever done, I suddenly had all this free time and I realised that this is my life, for the first time ever I don't have somebody running it, somebody telling me what I should do, what I need to do, I made my own decisions. And that felt amazing.
So, here I am, back for more, but with a message of hope for those who have lost theirs on here: it will get better, because the things you thought made you happy just might've been preventing you from reaching true happiness. It took me 10 years, but I think I'm finally over the depression, I am content with my life, and while I think certain things might improve it, I can live with it if it doesn't change.
Thank you for reading this, it's needlessly self indulgent and unlikely to win even best blog of 10th July 2015, but I had to say it to help explain who I am and how I got here.
I'm back, don't know how long for, but I'd like to take this opportunity to speak about something rather dear to me: me. I have several confessions to make, and I only intend to make one right now.
I have suffered from depression since I was 15, in varying degrees, initially set off by a lack of control in my life and the loss of the first close relative (I've been lucky in that this was the only close relative I have ever lost to date). I internalised and I had discovered getdare shortly before this, so I had a system, an outlet, a way to avoid my feelings until I was capable of processing them.
Several years later I met a girl, we fell in love, a whirlwind romance that started as convenient became so much more, and to this day I still love that girl, but I no longer like her... I can't say with any level of coincidence whether or not she ever loved me or if I was merely convenient throughout. During our years together, I was away from this site, I had grown to believe I was happy, even moving to another city significantly different from my hometown.
Her initial understanding of my depression, my internalisation and my system for dealing with stress (I was 20, she was 18, hormones were still in flux so I may have used masturbation as a crutch or even an excuse) however, this coupled with the fact that she never really believed I loved her and the likely scenario that she actually never did love me all led rather naturally to our eventual break up.
I want to make it perfectly clear that I genuinely believed I was happy. After a few years of reflection I can honestly say that I was only slightly less depressed than I had been (possibly due to having somebody to listen to me, or just a ridiculous amount of sex on a very regular basis).
However, at the time I was distraught, inconsolable. I did what I always did, I ran and hid, ending up on here. It may not be ideal, but it works for me. As it happened, I met a girl who I came to view as a very good friend, and as my confidence grew on here I met several others who I became very close to. Now, that's all well and good on here, but my personal life was a shambles.
When my fiance and I broke it off I had been living here for about 2 years, but I knew nobody outside of work and her friends and family. Mine were all several hundred miles away. As time went on I got to know some people from work, they introduced me to others they knew and I now have a group of friends and strong network of acquaintances, which places me on much firmer ground than before.
I also turned heavily to drink, which everybody can tell you is simply the wrong way to go about it. I love whisky, I love the taste, the smell, the feel of a single malt in your hand, one I've cube slowly melting to release more of the flavour... But that's my point, drinking should be a pleasurable experience. It got to the stage where I was drinking shots (even the best flavorings can't make any of those taste decent) and throwing up every night, turning up late and hungover to work, my job was in jeopardy.
All of this outside stress and worry led me deeper into depression, I spent more time on this site and with the people on it than I did in the offline world. Something had to give.
Then, about a year and a half ago, as I calmed down, settled myself, got into a routine and could afford to live (funny how cutting down on drinking leaves you with more money to enjoy yourself with) I got offered an opportunity to move to a different area of the business, and it suited me perfectly; more money, longer hours but more days off, more of an idea how everything fits into place in the company, etc. I loved it.
Shortly after, due to not having access to my phone during shifts and due to several things happening all at once (somebody disappeared, I took a break from somebody else, and I think I got a new phone and just didn't bother to install the various messengers I used to frequent) I left getdare again. I can honestly say this was the best thing I could have ever done, I suddenly had all this free time and I realised that this is my life, for the first time ever I don't have somebody running it, somebody telling me what I should do, what I need to do, I made my own decisions. And that felt amazing.
So, here I am, back for more, but with a message of hope for those who have lost theirs on here: it will get better, because the things you thought made you happy just might've been preventing you from reaching true happiness. It took me 10 years, but I think I'm finally over the depression, I am content with my life, and while I think certain things might improve it, I can live with it if it doesn't change.
Thank you for reading this, it's needlessly self indulgent and unlikely to win even best blog of 10th July 2015, but I had to say it to help explain who I am and how I got here.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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I would like to say, thankyou for your blog. It takes courage to be honest to yourself. To see how getdare, can overtake your life. Yes, it can ruined you and not let you see that real life. Your true life should come first. Your daily life is foremost more important and should keep you on that road of what is real. Your message, will help those in which are going through what you have done. Good luck with your daily life and those challenges ahead for you.Posted 07-10-2015 at 09:28 AM by MasterDaddy02 
Updated 07-10-2015 at 09:31 AM by MasterDaddy02 (spelling) -
Best. Blog. Ever.
*hugs* welcome back!
Don't disappear on us again like that!Posted 07-10-2015 at 08:35 PM by perkygirlie
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I'll be gone by AugustQuote:Originally Posted by perkygirlie
Best. Blog. Ever.
*hugs* welcome back!
Don't disappear on us again like that!
Posted 07-10-2015 at 08:43 PM by Sarge90
