This is literally a rant about things I wish I knew how to say.

I feel like shit. I feel like you're doing so much for me and I just fuck up everything, which makes me wonder why the fuck you'd ever want to stay with me. I forgot to ask if you're mad. You'd probably say you aren't, weren't, whatever. But I know a part of you is annoyed at how much time you wasted.

I had fucking one job and I couldn't do that. Shit, I always ask if you're mad. Why did I forget this time?...

I've been called that before by my seniors. Been told I have old eyes, an old soul, that I've been through a lot. I used to think it was something to be proud of. A maturity that I carried beyond those of my year.

Of course, it's only now that I realize that price tag I never saw. The cost of being an 'old soul' is something I wish I didn't have to pay.

Ignorance is bliss is probably the truest statement I've ever heard. I miss being young. I miss being twelve and being...

It has been a very rough nine days. Not only was my dom out of town, so our communication was very limited, but I was also in denial. I still am. Plus, a lot of personal things I was dealing with.

It has truly been a tough week. I can't remember the last time I cried so often in such a short span of time, but cry I did. As I said, tough week.

So, even though he said he'd only check gd once a day and send me a message then, he comes online twice and sometimes three times...

Trust is a tricky thing. I know I shouldn't let my past experiences make me wary of you, but they do. I know you're not the one who made me feel smaller, but someone did and as much as I would love to say you'd never do that to me, that's what I thought about them.

Lighthouses are the metaphor in my mind tonight. Trusting someone, romantically or platonically, is like leaving that island where you feel at least somewhat grounded. It's going out into the open sea in your rickety boat and...

What do you see when you look at me?

You say that I'm gorgeous as hell and fucking beautiful, but what do you see? Are you seeing how tired my eyes are or how terrified I am?

Are you seeing all the previous scars that have been left on my mind? Do you see the physical scars as well?

You haven't seen my entire body because I don't want to shatter this belief you have that I am beautiful. I'm too afraid you'll see me and run. I contradict your statements, but...

I'm a numbers gal. 9 days. That's 216 hours. Normally, I would subtract 8 hours per day for sleeping, but I never sleep 8 hours. So, on average I sleep about 6 hours. Maybe. Which is 54 hours. Now, for 5 of those days, I'll be in school or driving to school, which is about 20 hours in total.

Which still leaves 142 hours. Ish. My math may be wrong, but I don't care enough to check.

So, 142 hours unaccounted. I could split it into minutes, but that's much more annoying....

It's nothing really; a small silver chain around my neck. I wear it constantly because it makes him happy for me to have a reminder.

I also wear it as a reminder to myself. Not of my submission, although it gives me fun memories of that, but of the relationship that we have.

Every time I touch it, I'm reminded that there is someone who cares. Someone who has spent time and a significant amount of energy making me happy. Someone who I trust, to an extent, and who hopefully...