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I Hate Denial; I Love Denial

Posted 12-26-2017 at 03:11 PM by PrincessJessica

As part of a new, and temporary rule, I've effectively got to blog about something I'm uncomfortable talking about for the next 2 days...today it's something that's fast becoming my biggest love/hate kink; denial.

Denial's always been a bit of a curiosity of mine, quite why anyone would willingly put themselves through it was beyond me though. It's not that I'm desperately addicted to cumming, it's a little messy/awkward and I guess I rarely have particularly intense orgasms (other than after particularly enjoyable play sessions). However, I do appreciate that freedom; the ability to edge when I want and release when I feel really in the mood to do so.

I'd been asked/told do it before my various short-term doms (quite often on the first meet) which I just found incredibly presumptuous. Giving up control of your orgasms might not be a big deal to most doms but to subs who've never experimented with it before it's a scary test of willpower and a big show of obedience. Unusually for me, I point-blank refused all previous commands to attempt it as unreasonable (often with no proper organisation for future tasks and no scaling back a little for my inexperience). As obedient as I (like to think) I am I don't easily agree to anything long-term as I know that I'll need some constant contact/incentive to keep up with it.

So when I joined this site and added some PM dares I didn't take the possibility of denial lightly but set it at reasonable levels (max 5 days per person). Pretty soon I ended up with 7 whole days at once which at the time was the longest I'd consciously gone without cumming. "Unconsciously" I'd undoubtedly done much long at university and school as I just don't get horny when stressed, likely months. However, while still exploring GetDare this small amount of denial was a struggle, trying to explore your kinks more while not being allowed the occasional release is a real challenge. Physically and mentally each edge, play session, porn video or hot story tested my resolve and it only got worse with time until the 7 days were up but the reward was a particularly enjoyable orgasm.

Not too long after I ended up joining sexyred92's 12 days Christmas game and found myself locked into 1 month(!) worth of denial. Normally this would have me protesting at the "injustice" but she knew my inexperience and didn't force me to do it. A genius play of backward psychology perhaps but, partially on my own terms, I felt comfortable enough to agree. The first week went by as agonising as before until disaster struck when I went over the edge while stroking with some particularly nasty toothpaste, such was the lack of feeling and genuine surprise that I ended up ruining it too. It was an accident but the shame of letting someone else down was incredibly strong. Why couldn't I just control myself!?

Luckily I was forgiven and I restarted my month of denial (now coming to its end). The intensity of my love (there's something I never expected to feel) for it has surprised me. The mental challenge, that constant horniness feeling of always being in the mood and the "morning wood" that I awake to every single morning is oddly satisfying; I feel more subby and more willing to push outside my comfort zone just that little bit more. I especially love the sacrifice of control, giving up control of my orgasms just to satisfy someone else at the expense of my own enjoyment. It heightens my sub experiences making every play session that little bit more intense and makes me feel constantly subby. I still feel that need to release, that desperate part of me with every single stroke saying "Ah, go on just keep going". It's a constant struggle of obedience that I loathe and love in equal measure. I often have a bit of a love/hate relationship with my kinks but this is particularly intense.

Denial's horrible, it's robbed me of a basic desire/reward that I normally finish (good) play sessions with and I love it! I like how it makes me feel, I like the mental struggle and most of all I like how it gets (& keeps me) in that "sub space" so well. My horniness grows and my inhibitions weaken that little bit more like a good little slutty subby

(I'm sure this post has the potential to massively backfire..."o if you like it so much have some more" which I guess makes it worthy of being something I'm uncomfortable sharing and that I'll just have to take my medicine should that happen. 1 week ago I was sure I'd hit my breaking point but suffered through and my "self-control experiment" did really help. I'm surprised I've made it this far and have nothing but subby admiration for those that do much more)
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  1. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Congratulations on making it so far, and good courage for sharing these thoughts. But it also looks like you have become aware of the rewards denial and submission comes with.
    Posted 12-26-2017 at 03:26 PM by CSasha CSasha is offline
 

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