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  1. Old Comment
    kittenlyss's Avatar

    Words: FINE

    @Belle: And sometimes I accidentally say fine when I'm maybe mildly perturbed and it has nothing to do with that particular person and I'm also not ready to words it yet. But because they don't believe my "fine" they keep pestering me about it and use my exasperation at being pestered to prove that I'm not really fine...

    @iSpuds: I've realized recently that part of the reason I use the word "fine" is because I'm telling myself that I'm fine. If I'm in a situation where I feel like I need to be functioning at a certain level, that reminder helps me focus on whatever my current priority is. And, objectively, I do appreciate the concern that I know prompts their questions. When I'm mid-processing, I seem to just perceive it as intrusive and get annoyed that other people exist. I'm pretty sure that my bar for what qualifies as fine is set pretty low compared to most everyone else I've met which probably adds to my confusion at being poked at for my perfectly reasonable assessment (from my view) of my current state.

    I've also noticed that with people I'm particularly close to I can mention that I'm tossing X topic around in my head and will send a journal and ask for their input as soon as I can get some words down to describe my thoughts.

    @Monkey: I do want to avoid unnecessarily worrying or confusing anyone. I've noticed that I prefer having what are essentially codewords to use as an easy way to describe basic concepts. The advantage of using "buffering" (or my other one "hamsters" which is for when I'm mulling over something that I'm not upset about but I also don't want to have to respond with "nothing" and sound like I'm brushing someone off if they ask what I'm thinking about) is that it's a pretty good analogy for what's going in my head. I think/hope that makes it more memorable. It's also random enough that if I reply with that one word out of habit and I happen to not have explained what that means to me yet, it's not that hard to explain the concept behind it. And by having that conversation, we've steered away from the tone normally set during the "Fine" "You don't sound fine. You shouldn't say fine unless you really mean it. Tell me what's really wrong." conversation. Maybe it's just because I really like metaphors. Or maybe it's because they're kind of silly ways to think about things. And silliness is one of my best coping mechanisms so introducing it into a potentially argument makes complete sense to me.

    @all: Thank you for your viewpoints.
    Posted 03-10-2017 at 02:18 PM by kittenlyss kittenlyss is offline
    Updated 03-11-2017 at 05:58 AM by kittenlyss
  2. Old Comment
    pet monkey's Avatar

    Words: FINE

    So, I've been thinking about this blog the past couple of days and trying to decide if I want to respond to it to if only to give the viewpoint of a male.

    First: on the my history of the word, I had a long relationship with a woman who was not the most emotionally stable person. She loved the words 'fine' and 'sure' to the point where they have both just become trigger words for me. When I hear the word 'fine' now, I don't hear "Oh, I'm just trying to figure something out." or "I've got an issue I'm working on in my head I'm not ready to talk about, I'll let you know when I am." What I hear is: "Someone (probably you) or something really screwed up and I'm really mad and I'm just going to stew for a while about it." Now, as some of you may know, I'm a guy, we like fixing things, be they physical or mental, so when someone or something hurts the woman I love(d) I want to try to fix it, but I can't do that without knowing where to direct my attentions. So, yes, it is important to me to find out why the person I care about is hurting.

    It would make so much more sense to me (and probably to many males out there) if, instead of just saying 'fine' (or whatever equivalent you prefer), just say something like 'Oh, I'm just processing something and I'm not ready to talk about it right now.' That will turn off the male 'fix-it' reflex and will allow you your thought processing time. Seriously, I'm more than happy to give you your time alone with the problem, if you will just take that extra second to say, 'No, I'm not fine, but I need the time to figure this out enough to be able to express what I'm feeling, before I share it with you." That does two things:

    1) Lets me know what I can do to help at this point in time: Stop bugging you about it
    2) Give me the assurance that you aren't shutting me out.

    Honestly, I think it all boils down (like so many things in relationships) to communication. If you tell a man, any man, what you need, in this case time, and not try to hide it behind a terse word/phrase which, honestly sounds like you are shutting us out, you'll get what you need.
    Posted 02-18-2017 at 07:51 AM by pet monkey pet monkey is offline
  3. Old Comment
    iSpuds's Avatar

    Words: FINE

    Interestingly, I don't normally say "fine" unless I mean I'm actually "fine." Even then, I usually say I'm okay, because I'm well aware of the anxiety that the word causes in - not just men, but everyone. Even "I'm okay," can't always be trusted (fuck knows I obsess over monkey's claims to being "okay" if I don't think he sounds okay...)

    The thing is, I'd much rather just use words (the very words you mentioned) to keep my partner and friends abreast of my emotional state. Why, just the other day I asked Monkey if he was okay with me calling him at a later time because I needed some quiet time alone to myself, because I was not feeling up to talking. I was sad, actually, and emotionally distraught behind a social interaction. I didn't tell him exactly what I was feeling or what had happened, but by telling him that I needed some time alone, he was able to respect that I was processing something.

    Men know what it's like to need time alone. Everyone does. You always get that stereotype that while men are brooding, women are nagging them to share their feelings. It's the same thing as saying "I'm fine," and being pestered to share what you're really thinking. And it all comes from the same place: anxiety. People become anxious that you're going to blow up at them later when you bottle things up or don't share immediately. As time passes, people torture themselves with the idea that they did something wrong and that with each passing second that you keep it inside, your anger grows into a fearsome inferno of rage and fury. They're scared.

    And also, they're worried for you. They want to make sure you're okay and not torturing yourself internally. Maybe they feel like you're prone to making a big deal out of something that can easily be hashed out if you just talk to them.

    I'm not trying to be preachy, though. Everyone deals with their emotions in their own way. I'm saying that these are the thoughts that move me to avoid using phrases like "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" as a means of sticking a pin in the discussion of how I'm actually feeling, or worse, as a means of masking my feelings.

    By just saying, "I'm not sure yet, I need to think," I'm able to signal to my partner to A) Leave me alone, and B) Be ready for when I need to talk. Those are the two things I generally need when I'm processing something heavy. On most occasions, though, at least in Monkey's case, I am able to trust that I can tell him a little bit of what I'm thinking now, and keep re-visiting the conversation throughout the days, weeks, or months until I feel things have been worked out. In this way, I'm actually including Monkey in my processing, which gives me the benefit of having an outside perspective keeping me from retreating inside myself and turning my inner self into a knot of bad feelings and self-hate, and also, I'm keeping Monkey aware of what's going on so that he doesn't become anxious, either.
    Posted 02-18-2017 at 07:44 AM by iSpuds iSpuds is offline
  4. Old Comment
    naughtylittlegirl's Avatar

    Words: FINE

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kittenlyss View Comment
    The problem is that most men are taught that if a woman says "fine" you're actually supposed to keep asking until she tells you what's wrong. And to me, that just feels like the adult equivalent of a 2-year-old with a good handle on the "Why?" question.
    Right! Because they are taught that women play games and secretly want to be hounded. It ends up being exhausting for both people. Let's just not play those kinds of games.
    Posted 02-16-2017 at 11:30 PM by naughtylittlegirl naughtylittlegirl is offline
  5. Old Comment
    kittenlyss's Avatar

    Words: FINE

    @Butterfly: I've been thinking that one of the reasons I take so long to feel comfortable in a relationship might be because it takes a while to point out, and have discussions about, all these tiny little areas I'm not a "normal girl."

    @Belle:


    HI!

    The problem is that most men are taught that if a woman says "fine" you're actually supposed to keep asking until she tells you what's wrong. And to me, that just feels like the adult equivalent of a 2-year-old with a good handle on the "Why?" question.
    Posted 02-15-2017 at 01:14 PM by kittenlyss kittenlyss is offline
  6. Old Comment
    naughtylittlegirl's Avatar

    Words: FINE



    Lyss wrote a blog, Lyss wrote a blog, Lyss wrote a blog! Okay, be cool, be cool...



    Soooo, 100000 times yes to all of this. Thank you for putting it into words - it's that element of 'interrupting my process' that can make my stress level skyrocket like nothing else. 'Fine' is very much how I close the door as politely as possible while I sort myself out and become able to use words again. And I definitely have used it in some instances where it would have been better to actually say that I was having a difficult time rather than be avoidy. But I need my 'fine' days. Thank you for posting, your blog makes me happy.
    Posted 02-14-2017 at 11:44 PM by naughtylittlegirl naughtylittlegirl is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar

    Words: FINE

    When I say I am fine (which I do), it means the same thing. I am not really ok and don't want to lie, but I also don't really want to talk about it right now. OR I can't talk about it right now. I also need to process things for awhile before I express myself and saying "fine" is giving me the time to do that. I don't think we should have to change it, but as it is widely known and joked about being something to avoid, it tends to make people panic and then we usually get the opposite result.
    Posted 02-13-2017 at 03:28 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  8. Old Comment
    kittenlyss's Avatar

    Actually, my life goal is to glitterfy the world

    @Butterfly: I will make sure to keep you posted!
    Posted 01-14-2017 at 09:01 AM by kittenlyss kittenlyss is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar

    Actually, my life goal is to glitterfy the world

    I don't have room for a new project in my life right now, but I definetly want to explore bullet Journaling after the wedding and you bet I'll be using glitter and rainbows to decorate. Oh and butterflies....
    Posted 01-14-2017 at 07:59 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  10. Old Comment
    kittenlyss's Avatar

    Actually, my life goal is to glitterfy the world

    @Bluetooth: Thanks! I'm loving the ability to customize how I keep track of stuff.
    Posted 01-14-2017 at 07:07 AM by kittenlyss kittenlyss is offline
  11. Old Comment
    Bluetooth's Avatar

    Actually, my life goal is to glitterfy the world

    I bought a bulletjournal too! It seemed like such a good way to organise stuff, then I googled it and found the crazily artistic way people keep them.. no washi tape or glittery nail polish for me Good luck with all the things!
    Posted 01-14-2017 at 04:45 AM by Bluetooth Bluetooth is offline
  12. Old Comment
    kittenlyss's Avatar

    Actually, my life goal is to glitterfy the world

    @Butterfly: Thank you for being interested in an update

    @Belle: I will definitely post update you on my diy adventures
    Posted 01-12-2017 at 09:51 PM by kittenlyss kittenlyss is offline
  13. Old Comment
    naughtylittlegirl's Avatar

    Actually, my life goal is to glitterfy the world

    This is so wonderful to read, thank you for posting. You have been sorely missed, and I sincerely hope you blog tons. And yay for a fantastic visit! Bravo for everything you're pursuing; eagerly awaiting more, particularly regarding your garden. And I wish you all the glitter in the world Have fun!
    Posted 01-11-2017 at 11:55 PM by naughtylittlegirl naughtylittlegirl is offline
  14. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar

    Actually, my life goal is to glitterfy the world

    Thank you so much for the update. I have missed you too and also love your face!
    Posted 01-11-2017 at 09:07 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  15. Old Comment
    kittenlyss's Avatar

    Oh, you'll settle down one day...

    @starbaby13: I get most of my life lessons from Disney

    hasn't failed me yet. Well... that's probably another story.

    I think what irritates me the most about such comments is they assume things about me that the person a) could not possibly know in the first place and b) has gotten entirely wrong anyway. So kudos for living your life, and letting it be defined by whatever you want it to include and not some vague, media-induced image of what someone ought to do.

    You are so much more interesting than that, my pixie friend.
    @naughtylittlegirl: To be fair, this did come from a fairly good friend that I've known for most of my adult life. And I don't think she meant to be condescending. But it did feel like it was said with the tone that I too could aspire to be where she is in life right now. And I think that there's a chance I might eventually look settled down to her. Maybe one of the most difficult things about hearing her say that was actually realizing how much we've drifted apart and how vastly our paths differ.

    Oh, and you're a pretty interesting yourself.


    Yes, there are a wide variety of meanings packed into such a small, innocuous phrase, and most of them are not as benevolent as we'd like to believe. It's quite sad, really.

    You're in an age-range where you're going to hear that a lot, from your peers as much as anyone else. I'd argue people who say that are more interested in the 'help' or comfort it gives them, rather than you; it's a reaffirmation of their own beliefs and values.

    It's also ironic, considering that many of the perceived goals bound within the phrase are changing in society and issues faced with this generation; marriage is statistically not stable, homes increasingly unaffordable, life-goals and ambitions changing with an access to information that has never existed, increased reports of dissatisfaction and unhappiness... yet we hold on to that old nonsense, mostly because it's easier than unpacking it and breaking down what it consists of.

    It makes me happy to think of your adventures, and to know that you're somewhere in the world, not selling yourself short. Long may that continue.

    @StrawDog: All the different meanings make the word nerd part of my brain happy. I just wish they weren't all so... depressing.

    The more I think about it, the more I tie it into settling for something, which is probably the worst connotation you could give it.

    Enough about the icky things though. I think I may adopt Dr. Lindsey Doe's motto and start applying it to life in general.

    Stay curious!
    Posted 01-08-2016 at 08:02 PM by kittenlyss kittenlyss is offline
  16. Old Comment
    StrawDog's Avatar

    Oh, you'll settle down one day...

    Yes, there are a wide variety of meanings packed into such a small, innocuous phrase, and most of them are not as benevolent as we'd like to believe. It's quite sad, really.

    You're in an age-range where you're going to hear that a lot, from your peers as much as anyone else. I'd argue people who say that are more interested in the 'help' or comfort it gives them, rather than you; it's a reaffirmation of their own beliefs and values.

    It's also ironic, considering that many of the perceived goals bound within the phrase are changing in society and issues faced with this generation; marriage is statistically not stable, homes increasingly unaffordable, life-goals and ambitions changing with an access to information that has never existed, increased reports of dissatisfaction and unhappiness... yet we hold on to that old nonsense, mostly because it's easier than unpacking it and breaking down what it consists of.

    It makes me happy to think of your adventures, and to know that you're somewhere in the world, not selling yourself short. Long may that continue.
    Posted 01-08-2016 at 08:08 AM by StrawDog StrawDog is online now
  17. Old Comment
    naughtylittlegirl's Avatar

    Oh, you'll settle down one day...

    I think what irritates me the most about such comments is they assume things about me that the person a) could not possibly know in the first place and b) has gotten entirely wrong anyway. So kudos for living your life, and letting it be defined by whatever you want it to include and not some vague, media-induced image of what someone ought to do.

    You are so much more interesting than that, my pixie friend.
    Posted 01-08-2016 at 12:08 AM by naughtylittlegirl naughtylittlegirl is offline
  18. Old Comment
    starbaby13's Avatar

    Oh, you'll settle down one day...

    I like that you think of life as an adventure, and wish you luck in your exploration.
    Posted 01-07-2016 at 09:40 PM by starbaby13 starbaby13 is offline
  19. Old Comment
    kittenlyss's Avatar

    Astronauts get training before going into space, why don't we?

    @eivins: It might be due to certain sensitivities. I know I'm super sensitive to textures.

    And I'm pretty sure glitter space is a thing. Although I need to play with it a little more to achieve it.

    And you're welcome!
    Posted 01-05-2016 at 09:48 AM by kittenlyss kittenlyss is offline
  20. Old Comment

    Astronauts get training before going into space, why don't we?

    This!!!
    I've never associated _____space with anything other than subspace! But this post makes so much sense. Loss of words... Fuzzy head... You describe it so perfectly! I definitely have a cuddlespace. And food, for sure. Oh! And music... I get SO lost in performing... It's like getting high!
    I wonder if it takes a certain type of person to be triggered so easily. I know I'm very sensitive to smells, taste, and touch. So when I'm enjoying any of those things... Well not merely enjoying-- a step above that certainly! It does things to my head. I floooooaaaaaat!
    Eee! I've never had a way to describe this before and now I do! Thanks, Lyss!
    I also officially declare glitterspace as a thing. I need to achieve it!
    Posted 01-05-2016 at 07:03 AM by eivins eivins is offline
  21. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar

    In search of Hi Def

    Isn't it crazy how much we can change and grow in a year? Or learn new things about ourselves everyday? You would think we know ourselves pretty good, better than anybody, but sometimes we can feel like a stranger to ourselves, or maybe that is just me. I love that you are still figuring out who you are. I couldn't label you as too many things but I can say you are wonderful and amazing and a great friend. Other labels don't matter so much to me. Although I do love your bratty side!
    Posted 12-13-2015 at 10:22 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  22. Old Comment
    kittenlyss's Avatar

    I am ME... and maybe a little

    @HappyMe: Thank you! And, yes, I'm all for awesome discovery. I've been enjoying the discovery adventures so much.

    @(PrettyInPink)Gandalf: It took me a while to come to terms with a lot of the things on this list. But I am pretty excited about all of the different facets I keep finding.

    @Belle: OMG, I love your face too! And, yes, I love feeling free to embrace all the parts of me. There have been quite a few times in the past year or so that I've happened across an idea and felt just amazed that there was something that fit me so well.

    @Bangle: *shipping cuddles your way*

    @inferiorwhiteboi: Thank you! Jumping in puddles is so much fun. And yes, I absolutely intend to continue having fun.
    Posted 12-12-2015 at 07:12 PM by kittenlyss kittenlyss is offline
  23. Old Comment
    inferiorwhiteboi's Avatar

    I am ME... and maybe a little

    This blog entry was a fantastic read.

    First off, congrats to you! Having fun is one of the whole points of life. Pity that so many people around you had't figured that out.

    Though I'm not a Little, I regularly do things such as jumping into a puddle after a rainstorm. While I fully know that I'm going to get soaked from the knees down and probably regret it later, in the moment it's a completely relaxing, fun thing to do. So I totally get where you're coming from.

    Whether or not you do end up giving Little-play a proper go, continue having FUN.
    Posted 12-11-2015 at 11:00 AM by inferiorwhiteboi inferiorwhiteboi is offline
  24. Old Comment
    DoingMyBest's Avatar

    I am ME... and maybe a little

    Ye're you. You enjoy what you enjoy. You never learnt to be confined to expectations of what to enjoy. Simple...
    Posted 12-11-2015 at 03:46 AM by DoingMyBest DoingMyBest is offline
  25. Old Comment
    naughtylittlegirl's Avatar

    I am ME... and maybe a little

    This is brilliant. I feel precisely the same way (although I have a Daddy and I want him very much). I think the best thing about this whole concept of 'littleness' in kink is that it does provide the opportunity for us to be grown up and do fun grown up things and be that part of ourselves that often earns us weird looks, encouragement to 'be a little more mature', etc. It doesn't have to be sexual. Or kinky per se. And I love how you say it doesn't define you, you define what being a little is, and everything else you are. And that's been my most favourite part of exploring kink - finding all these things I didn't know I was, but so totally am, and figuring out how I want to experience them and make them even more mine.

    So I am supremely glad that you are every bit of yourself, and in precisely the way you want to be. That's why I love your face so much.
    Posted 12-10-2015 at 10:37 PM by naughtylittlegirl naughtylittlegirl is offline

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