Words: Training
I was having a discussion with a local dom and he said this (I had just said something slightly smartass, but it was actually an issue of semantics for me. Which is usually a big issue for me.)
Edit 2/4/15: To be fair to him, we were in the beginning stages of talking and I hadn't revealed that I identify as a brat yet.
This is the ranty irritated response that rolled in my head. Instead of saying this, I actually asked him what he considered bratty and we had a decent adult discussion. But this is what I wanted to say and didn't get to, so it's getting said here:
I think certain activities in a D/s relationship do qualify as training. Maybe it's something physical. Kegels or becoming accustomed to larger toys or practicing endurance. Maybe it's something more mental. I imagine hypnosis takes training on both sides. Maybe it's learning a skill set. Dancing, serving tea, callligraphy, whatever.
And I could see how learning to control your emotions, or at least outbursts, would require training. But if we're talking personality change so that you suit someone else's needs better, that's not training in my book. People in a relationship both change and make allowances for each other, yes. But I think of that as growing to suit each other better.
What do you think of when you hear the word training? Do you believe in having a training regiment as part of your D/s dynamic?
This blog is the first of a series. To recommend other entries, go here.
Quote:
I would never think of you as bratty, but in need of a lot of retraining.
This is the ranty irritated response that rolled in my head. Instead of saying this, I actually asked him what he considered bratty and we had a decent adult discussion. But this is what I wanted to say and didn't get to, so it's getting said here:
Quote:
I identify as a brat. So you should probably try to think of me that way. And nobody is going to train the brat out of me. If my brattiness does not suit your domliness, then don't dom me. And since we're not in a power dynamic, I don't consider it bratting you when I'm being a smartass anyway. Also, nobody is going to train my personality. And I don't know that I want to go through the effort of retraining you.
And I could see how learning to control your emotions, or at least outbursts, would require training. But if we're talking personality change so that you suit someone else's needs better, that's not training in my book. People in a relationship both change and make allowances for each other, yes. But I think of that as growing to suit each other better.
What do you think of when you hear the word training? Do you believe in having a training regiment as part of your D/s dynamic?
This blog is the first of a series. To recommend other entries, go here.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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Training to me, in a completely generic sense, signifies improvement. If you take that word into a BDSM context you can immediately see what's trying to unfold.
You take a submissive, who is either inexperienced, or who has some undesirable traits, and train them through some sort of process with the end goal of them being better than they were before they started. You'd train a dog in this fashion. Humans train themselves like this in universities. No problem, right?
It gets complex in human relationship because, because it's no longer one sided. You now have two people, giving and taking from each other. A husband can't train his wife, or vice-versa. Simply the act of knowing somebody, talking to somebody, developing with somebody; all of these are elements of training.
You're training yourself to be a better match for the other person, while also trying to train them to move closer to your ideals. In an ideal world you'd meet in the middle.
In BDSM you won't meet in the middle. You might draw closer, but the scale is weighted towards the dominant generally. But never all the way towards them.
So while you may be able to train a sub closer to you, you'll never be able to train everything. The sub is a human being, not a Barbie doll.
Trying to "train" out a fundamental part of another person's personality just because it doesn't suit you is an exercise in futility, and only highlights a sense of incompatibility which may or may not be surmountable.
On the other hand, getting away from what it should mean, I always enjoyed the sound of the word in a D/s context, especially as a sub. It gets me all tingly knowing training is coming, more-so because of what's associated with the word (fun stuff right?), rather than the word itself.Posted 12-30-2014 at 03:28 AM by redambergreen 
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This is an unrelated comment: but do you realise just how much the mushroom, just to the right of where it says comments beneath the blog-post proper, looks like someone receiving anal? That's by-the-by.
Training, to me, is what someone asks for when they lack experience in something. Its a way of admitting it without actually saying 'I'm new and I don't know if I'll like/think I'll be that good at whatever this is'. This could also therefore make it quite difficult to hear for someone who considers themselves quite active in the scene.
I agree with your power dynamic thinking. It's the case of student vs master. Telling someone they need to be trained is essentially asking for a form of submission, but not necessarily directly to them. Students have an image of being 'not quite ready' for the real world, and so by default anyone not in training is seen as above them in whatever twisted hierarchy I'm alluding to.
However, doms always need as much training as subs do. On a broader level they need to know how to conduct themselves when another person allows them to take control. On a more personal level they need to know how best to act around whoever is submissive to them, learn their signals, and, if they fuck up, learn how to be humble in apologising. In this sense, then, training isn't submissive, but necessary. However, the amount it's tossed around towards subs as though all doms just know inherently how to be all domly means it has been twisted into being a submissive word.
That's just my view anyway.
I thought I'd best give a fuller answer after my totally not helpful mushroom-anal comment to begin with. :P (Why does anal on a toadstool hurt more than normal anal? Because there's not mushroom in there).Posted 12-30-2014 at 03:36 AM by An_Jon
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...It's a mushroom? o.oQuote:Originally Posted by An_Jon
This is an unrelated comment: but do you realise just how much the mushroom, just to the right of where it says comments beneath the blog-post proper, looks like someone receiving anal? That's by-the-by.
It seems to me that the real problem here is the example, rather than the word training.
"I would never think of you as bratty, but in need of a lot of retraining" doesn't even really make sense, but let's go with it anyway.
person 1: I am a brat
person 2: I don't think you are a brat; you just need improving
Right off the bat you have a relationship mismatch and so it doesn't need to go any further. It doesn't say anything about the word training itself.Posted 12-30-2014 at 03:53 AM by Leopard
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Very heavy issue! There are masters/Dom's , who feel to reshape there slave to suite them. Training as such, should be broken down into areas. 1. You have the area of improving that skill in the slave. So, they can become stronger as a person. 2. It is that area of challenging the mentally goal within themselves. 3. That mentally stage, of being able to accepted the limits and then being pushed.
Now, there are the evil sides. Which I feel does fall right into what you are saying. 1. Is mind over matter, from how some masters/doms, play with the slave head to adjust them to the standard they want them to be. Is it right? " hell no", it is from the breaking down in which they keep that strong power control over the slave. Due in part, from they don't know what the hell they are doing. 2. " Fakes", in which use the wrong kind of training because, they don't understand the true meaning of what is required.
Everyone has there views on this word of " training", but be honest in some masters/doms, are not truly in that degree if knowledge. So, really they should not call themselves that. They are just using it to get back at those who hurt them. Which is not right and being totally disrespectful to the innocence slaves.Posted 12-30-2014 at 03:59 AM by MasterDaddy02
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I love personality in my sub! If I want someone to blindly follow orders without humor, teasing, ironic comments, backtalk, objections, suggestions or anything of the like, I would get a robot for that. A machine that does what it's told. Is it fun to deny a machine pleasure or torturing it a bit? Not at all! I want human interactions! I think the word that local dom meant was brainwashing instead of retraining.
What do you think of when you hear the word training?
Pretty much what you described. Physical acts, like learning how to take position on command, beg properly, edge longer without cumming. Stuff like that. Mental stuff like hypnosis does indeed also come to mind.
You want to get someone ready to do specific task? You train them.
Do you believe in having a training regiment as part of your D/s dynamic?
Not necessarily. Maybe you're both very happy with doing basic stuff. Maybe the submissive already knows how to do all the things the dominant wants.
I do believe that pushing limits and boundaries (all consensual, of course) is a lot of fun. Since you can't do that in one go, training is a good way to accomplish that. Gradually making something work until you get it just right gives such a feeling of accomplishment on both sides!Posted 12-30-2014 at 12:18 PM by drwarschauu
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I agree with you definition, Lyss. I used to be at best appehensive about the idea of sub training because of the ridiculously unrealistic and at times abusive nature of training as portrayed in erotica. I have a real problem with training that is used to change who the sub is because the dom/me is so immature that they think their fantasy is what the sub 'ought' to be. But when Wardell began establishing my training he did so not to change who I was but to help me expand my abilities and enjoyment of certain aspects of submission. I love getting to do training for my Dom, because I can genuinely please him not by becoming someone else but by being me and giving him more of myself through training.Posted 12-30-2014 at 01:41 PM by naughtylittlegirl
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Training is practice within a skill or ability.
To use it with regards to personality is ineffective. You can train to surpress a personality trait and train to fake another. You cannot train to learn one and lose another though.
not really sure what more there is to say. Also, saying you're not bratty when you've identified yourself as that is like someone telling me I'm not an actor because they've seen me do lighting-work. I identify as an actor and am one. Not the best analogy, but it's what came to mind immediately and I went with it
However, it's worth noting that discussing the issue allows you to clarify your definition of bratty and for him to clarify his. Let's face it, you and I know what the words we use mean, not only to ourselves, but to each other too. Hence why we tell people we love them, without meaning they're our soulmate etc.Posted 01-17-2015 at 09:34 PM by DoingMyBest
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@redambergreen: I love your analysis. And how you apply the concept to both sides of the slash.
@An_Jon: Whaaaaat?! Innocent little pixie me put an image with some hidden innuendo as my background? Complete accident, I assure you. *gives the mushroom heads a poke*
And learning new things and new people, or even new facets of existing friends, is a lot of fun. I think I like this kind of training.
I do think that sometimes the dom role is so glorified that people forget they're just people too. And will need training and time to fill the role well.
@Leo: I did realize after this discussion that we wouldn't suit. In all fairness to him, we had just started talking and I had yet to mention that I identify as a brat.
@MasterDaddy02: I do agree that skill and challenge are good areas to focus on. But I don't think pushing limits is necessarily part of any given dynamic. I, for one, don't feel that my limits are pushed very often. Although this might be a case of differing interpretations of the word since I do move my limits of my own volition on occasion.
@Dwarf: Bahaha! I do feel like he was talking about brainwashing.
@Tink: Talking with you about it made me realize that maybe it's not a bad word. I just didn't like how it was used.
@Doom: I love you and your face and your personality and your analogies. My 'za-slave.
I suppose he's better off without me. I've a feeling personality suppression wouldn't work well on me.Posted 02-04-2015 at 10:53 PM by kittenlyss
