A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
My experience with counselling
Posted 12-13-2018 at 11:21 AM by Butterfly
As I have mentioned in my previous blog, I have been attending counselling. The main reason I went was to help get my anxiety under control. I have been to counselling a few times throughout my life (probably closer to 12-15 different counsellors), but it was never something that lasted more than a few sessions. I always felt as though the counselor would help me put out a “fire” and then release me back into the world.
While this was helpful, it never really resolved the underlying issues. I have a lot of trauma in my past. I was sexually assaulted, emotionally and psychologically abused by my father, was in a very controlling long term relationship and have experienced great losses in my life. I have spent a lot of time not feeling safe or in control.
The counsellor that I am seeing now is fantastic. She specializes in trauma and anxiety and we are working through some of the urgent things that are causing me anxiety but she is also working with me to uncover and heal some of the trauma and underlying problems which are being triggered to cause my anxiety.
It is hard work. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. But it feels good to hear the praise and encouragement. To learn that it is ok to set boundaries and that I don’t have to feel guilty about it. I get so proud of myself when she points out how I am doing (hard but) little things that make a HUGE difference.
We are working with EMDR to help work through traumatic events from my past that are causing me anxiety. Now, I am not somebody who buys into things like this easily. I don’t believe in magic, or supernatural things. I don’t believe in hypnosis. When she first told me about EMDR I scoffed. However, I was desperate, and decided to give it a try. I have to say that I have changed my mind.
The way it is works, is that I will close my eyes and recall a memory. I will continue to play that memory over in my mind, while she taps on my knees, back and forth. I have slipped into a trance this way, reliving the memories, feeling those emotions as I replay them in my mind. Once I have absorbed all of the sensations of that memory, we then add something to make it easier.
For example, I have struggled with flashbacks from my car accident. This causes me feelings of panic while being a passenger in a vehicle. When we recalled that memory, we put in a “protector” figure (mine is the womping willow from Harry Potter) to stand between me and the other car. We aren’t trying to alter the memory, but we are working on refilling the memory in my brain. To lessen the panic and fear that comes with that memory. That way, if it is triggered again, it won’t be as anxiety inducing. And over time, the memory will be triggered less and less.
It is something we are only just exploring and we haven’t touched any of the more traumatic memories from my childhood, but over time we are slowly going to get there.
I was nervous to try counselling again. I think it is a very useful tool, but I just had never found somebody who was willing to invest the time in me to get past the “fire” and help me rebuild and fix the broken foundation and faulty wiring that caused the fire in the first place.
During my second session, my counsellor said to me that I am a great communicator and have great insight and I should seriously consider a career in psychology. This was a huge red flag for me. So many people have made similar comments, they have dismissed me because I am smart, and self aware and can communicate well. When I shared this with my counsellor, she reassured me that she would never abandon me. That her job was to basically talk herself out of a job, but that sometimes that can take years, and she won’t release me until I am ready.
What a wonderful feeling!!!
Another advantage to this counsellor is that she is kink friendly. I knew this going in which was great. I didn't have to worry about whether or not to share my experience with getDare, or the kink community. I didn't have to worry about explaining that instead of self harm, I now have Mr. Devious "break me" with kink. I didn't have to agonize over how to explain that I use little space as a way to escape. For the first time I can be 100% open and honest right from day one about how important kink is to me and my story and my healing.
Well … I just realized that I have rambled on for quiet awhile and that this blog did not go where I thought it was going to go at all. Haha!
I guess I will have to write another soon.
Thank you for listening.
While this was helpful, it never really resolved the underlying issues. I have a lot of trauma in my past. I was sexually assaulted, emotionally and psychologically abused by my father, was in a very controlling long term relationship and have experienced great losses in my life. I have spent a lot of time not feeling safe or in control.
The counsellor that I am seeing now is fantastic. She specializes in trauma and anxiety and we are working through some of the urgent things that are causing me anxiety but she is also working with me to uncover and heal some of the trauma and underlying problems which are being triggered to cause my anxiety.
It is hard work. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. But it feels good to hear the praise and encouragement. To learn that it is ok to set boundaries and that I don’t have to feel guilty about it. I get so proud of myself when she points out how I am doing (hard but) little things that make a HUGE difference.
We are working with EMDR to help work through traumatic events from my past that are causing me anxiety. Now, I am not somebody who buys into things like this easily. I don’t believe in magic, or supernatural things. I don’t believe in hypnosis. When she first told me about EMDR I scoffed. However, I was desperate, and decided to give it a try. I have to say that I have changed my mind.
The way it is works, is that I will close my eyes and recall a memory. I will continue to play that memory over in my mind, while she taps on my knees, back and forth. I have slipped into a trance this way, reliving the memories, feeling those emotions as I replay them in my mind. Once I have absorbed all of the sensations of that memory, we then add something to make it easier.
For example, I have struggled with flashbacks from my car accident. This causes me feelings of panic while being a passenger in a vehicle. When we recalled that memory, we put in a “protector” figure (mine is the womping willow from Harry Potter) to stand between me and the other car. We aren’t trying to alter the memory, but we are working on refilling the memory in my brain. To lessen the panic and fear that comes with that memory. That way, if it is triggered again, it won’t be as anxiety inducing. And over time, the memory will be triggered less and less.
It is something we are only just exploring and we haven’t touched any of the more traumatic memories from my childhood, but over time we are slowly going to get there.
I was nervous to try counselling again. I think it is a very useful tool, but I just had never found somebody who was willing to invest the time in me to get past the “fire” and help me rebuild and fix the broken foundation and faulty wiring that caused the fire in the first place.
During my second session, my counsellor said to me that I am a great communicator and have great insight and I should seriously consider a career in psychology. This was a huge red flag for me. So many people have made similar comments, they have dismissed me because I am smart, and self aware and can communicate well. When I shared this with my counsellor, she reassured me that she would never abandon me. That her job was to basically talk herself out of a job, but that sometimes that can take years, and she won’t release me until I am ready.
What a wonderful feeling!!!
Another advantage to this counsellor is that she is kink friendly. I knew this going in which was great. I didn't have to worry about whether or not to share my experience with getDare, or the kink community. I didn't have to worry about explaining that instead of self harm, I now have Mr. Devious "break me" with kink. I didn't have to agonize over how to explain that I use little space as a way to escape. For the first time I can be 100% open and honest right from day one about how important kink is to me and my story and my healing.
Well … I just realized that I have rambled on for quiet awhile and that this blog did not go where I thought it was going to go at all. Haha!
I guess I will have to write another soon.
Thank you for listening.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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We are your Loyal supporters.
And it sounds like you hit the jackpot (In your area is that hit a gusher?) in this counselor. That's great.
You said: So many people have made similar comments, they have dismissed me because I am smart, and self aware and can communicate well.
Yeah - but I find that sometimes all of that just means you are therefore more aware of, and feel more helpless to deal with, "this" when you are so competent dealing with "everything else." Again - I am V. happy that she recognizes that you still need some guidance and skills.
This is great.
For reference: EMDR = Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_mo...d_reprocessingPosted 12-13-2018 at 11:39 AM by MarvHarvey 
Updated 12-13-2018 at 12:36 PM by MarvHarvey -
Glad to hear that it is working out so well for you, Butterfly. I always thought you were a great communicator and listener, but never in my mind did that mean you didn't need help with your own issues. People who are always supporting others so often get overlooked when they need help because people do think they always have it together.
Your fan base, here, always has your back. :-)
I'm not surprised she is kink friendly. The way you describe her makes her sound very much like a nurturing dominant (even if she isn't a dominant). I'm glad that she won't release you until all the issues are resolved.Posted 12-13-2018 at 03:22 PM by Blue Fox
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I'm really happy for you that you found someone that is helpful! I've always been told that having a counselor/therapist that is good can make a world of difference, but I had never actually read or seen a testimonial. Your story definitely makes me reconsider giving up on therapy after X amount of therapist switches, and has made me do some thinking in general!Posted 12-14-2018 at 02:00 PM by ReluctantExhibition
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That sounds amazing to have a kink-friendly counselor - that would be so helpful. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. While we have very different challenges, it is still helpful to read about making progress on theirs. <3<3<3Posted 12-14-2018 at 09:59 PM by amethyst353
