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I fucked up

Posted 06-07-2018 at 11:22 PM by Butterfly
Updated 06-22-2018 at 07:26 PM by Butterfly

It has been so long since the last time. I have been so good. So strong.

I was able to resist when my mom almost couldn't come to my wedding. I didn't do it when I had a miscarriage. I held back after watching my aunt die in front of me. I've stayed strong as my cousin told me about wanting to die.

But tonight I fucked up.

Its only a small spot on my thigh. The once pale skin is now red and inflamed and burning.

I fucked up.

I am a disappointment to those who believed in me.

One small bump and it just sent me over the edge. I held the knife tightly for what felt like hours but couldn't have been more than 20 min. Trying to breathe. Trying to think straight.

I knew it wasn't the right thing to do.

But I just needed to feel it. To let it all out.

I fucked up.

I'm not strong.

How do I face those I have disappointed.

How can I be a role model when I am clearly not able to resist.

How do I start over

I fucked up ... And now I'm lost
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Cstelle's Avatar
    Pointless story time. During military training (many years ago) I once fucked up really well. It was so bad that I was sure it would affect the rest of my service time. It was so bad that I was ordered to present myself, together with a written explanation, before the [school] commander & my company commander. The fuck-up was entirely my own, and I took all blame in the explanation - and I beat myself.

    The school commander gave me the only good advice I've ever received: You don't need to spank yourself. We'll take care of that. [Obviously he said it in a slightly manlier, more military, way.]

    The short of the long: after a fuck-up the thing to do is to just continue doing what you did before the fuck-upping. If there are spanks due, someone will come around.

    Right now you need hugs and real people around you.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 02:11 AM by Cstelle Cstelle is offline
  2. Old Comment
    As someone who's messed up a bunch of times in my life, and is still fighting with various compulsions, I'd say the important thing to do is to forgive yourself.

    Making a mistake does not define who you are as a person, what defines you is how you choose to deal with it, and whether you have the will to get back on that metaphorical wagon and go back to fighting the good fight.

    You haven't fucked up. You've made a mistake. Fucking up is not getting back on the wagon.

    Give yourself permission to do two things.

    1. Forgive yourself. Its okay to reflect on why you've done it, but dont beat yourself up.
    2. Recognise your successes. Reading your post tells me you've stayed on the wagon through some really bumpy road. Be proud of that, take strength and courage from that. Know that if you've stuck with it through the tough times once then you can do it again.

    Good luck to you
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 03:32 AM by SwitchLeaningSub SwitchLeaningSub is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    We're all here for you, comrade. You had a bump. Shit happens. You're only human and humans make mistakes.

    We're all here for you. If you need to talk, you have us. If you need space, you have it. Find a way that will help you. Everyone has their own ways to vent / release. This was a bump in the road and we're here to help you get back on your wagon and continue on.

    No one considers you a disappointment, Butterfly. You're awesome. You're strong. You're kind. And you're also human.

    We are here for you. For anything you need.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 04:16 AM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    Sure, shit happens! We are only human! I understand you feel bad, I totally do, because that's also human!

    It doesn't mean I think any less of you. If possible I respect you even more.

    I'm always here for you Miss, if you need a talk or a (virtual) hug!
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 06:44 AM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  5. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Don't beat yourself up for anything. That's the worst you can ever do.

    My sister once came home with a bad grade. She was then trying to kill herself. My grandfather found her. He was very mad. But not because of the bad grade. He was mad because she tried to kill herself, esoecially for such a silly insignificant thing compared to life. Guilt and shame is the real blocker. Appreciate the many incidents and long time you did well.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 06:46 AM by CSasha CSasha is online now
  6. Old Comment
    Runesmith's Avatar
    Yes, you fucked up. But who doesn't? Every road has it's pot holes that unexpectedly derail us, no matter how careful we are. What really matters is how we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves and put ourselves firmly back on course.

    It helps when someone lends you a hand to get you back on your feet. I know you have many people around you who will do that. And when you see those hands outstretched, reaching out to help you, don't spurn them. They are not there to judge you. They are there because they believe in you, that you will get on your feet, dust yourself, and get back on track.

    No one is perfect. We all fail once in a while. It's what we learn from those failures that helps us become better people.

    Remember - what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You will emerge from this stronger than you were. I am sure of it. The hundreds of people on this forum who follow your posts and love you for who you are, are sure of it too.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 06:51 AM by Runesmith Runesmith is offline
  7. Old Comment
    LitDarkness's Avatar
    It happens. The only thing you can do is take it and try again next time.

    And you are not a disappointment. A lot of people screw up and have trouble. Sometimes, it takes a couple tries.

    You're human and human's mess up. The only thing you can do is get back up. And I know you can get back up and move from this.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 09:44 AM by LitDarkness LitDarkness is offline
  8. Old Comment
    IceMaiden's Avatar


    You made a mistake and that's okay. It makes you human, not a disappointment. If it were someone else would you think of them as a disappointment or tell them they had a little bump in the road and that's perfectly okay?

    We are always hardest on ourselves. So instead, give yourself the advise you would give your best friend, instead of beating yourself up further.

    It happened, it was a momentary lapse and now it's time to get back on the wagon again. Screwing up doesn't make you a disappointment or a failure. It just means that moment was a little harder than the others.

    Failing/disappointing isn't struggling or having lapses, it is giving UP, not giving IN. I love you.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 10:01 AM by IceMaiden IceMaiden is offline
  9. Old Comment
    lola.fox's Avatar
    Mistakes are the only way we learn and grow and know to do better. You learned a new life lesson, you just have to process it and know that it’s okay and these things happen - its nothing to be ashamed about. In time this mistake will have made you a stronger person.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 10:16 AM by lola.fox lola.fox is offline
  10. Old Comment
    AbusiveMaster's Avatar
    There are times when a D/s dynamic can be particularly helpful. This situation can be one of them. Yes, you fucked up. We all do it. The only person who cannot forgive you is yourself.

    At times like this, punishment is a balm. When you have accepted your punishment, you can draw a line under the mistake and move on from it, you can start to feel forgiven, like you have paid for your mistake.

    The punishment doesnt have to be severe, just enough that you know you have been punished sufficiently. After it is done - it is DONE.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 12:52 PM by AbusiveMaster AbusiveMaster is offline
  11. Old Comment
    kurious kat's Avatar
    You are good, and you are strong. Every day, we start from where we are -- not necessarily from where we wanted to be, or where it'd be easiest, but from where we are -- and we make fresh choices for ourselves.

    I'm so sorry yesterday was so bad. I hope today was better. You are good, and you are strong, and yesterday's stumble doesn't change the day you face today.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 07:07 PM by kurious kat kurious kat is offline
  12. Old Comment
    nina@'s Avatar
    The good part is you stopped without much self harm and repent your mistake now.. having such a meltdown may or may not be a sign of weakness but realising it, owning up and bouncing back is a real show of strength!!

    So you may not be strong at all times (that's not even required) but to be able to bounce back you definitely have a heart filled with love, warmth and optimism.

    PS: I am sure you think of me as someone strong, but I have taken overdoses of prescription drugs in the past purposely if not purposefully, so we all have our moments of weakness. Like Runesmith mentioned above, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 04:24 AM by nina@ nina@ is offline
    Updated 06-11-2018 at 05:09 AM by nina@
  13. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    I wrote this blog only minutes after self harming myself on Thursday night. I haven't been able to bring myself to read the blog because I know it came from such a raw and heart broken place.

    I am slowly recovering, and forgiving myself. It has helped me immensely to read all of the support and encouragement from the comments here, in my PM inbox and from outside of getDare. So many of you have checked in on me and send me lovely words and support in other forms.

    While I want to take the time to personally acknowledge each of these comments, I just can't right now, so instead I just wanted to post and say a blanket thank you to all you have been there for me.

    I am rebuilding and moving forward with all of your help.
    Posted 06-12-2018 at 09:09 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  14. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    You're welcome, Butterfly. While I may not post on here daily, I do check gD daily. So, if you ever need anything, I'm but a PM away.
    Posted 06-12-2018 at 03:01 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
 

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