A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Non kinky pain - an update from a hospital bed
This is not going to be a super exciting or erotic blog but I thought I would post here for those who know who I am and who care. I could use the support and love from those who need me and the possitive thoughts and love from a community in which I have called home for the last 7 years.
Since I was 10 years old I have struggled with chronic migraines and they only increaded when I moved to the migraine capital of Canada to live with Mr. Devious 6 years ago. I can usually manage ok, but in 2021 I really struggled and started to work with my doctor to manage them with medication.
In January a new headache happened that started to wake me up from a dead sleep, causing me to scream every 15 min or so. It felt like electric shocks to the brain. After a hospital stay and a nerve block, that pain stopped. However, a neurologist followed me as an outpatient and suspected that something more was happened as my headaches continued. At times I couldn't leave bed for days at a time because any time I sat up, the pain and pressure was unbearable. As soon as I laid down, it went away almost immediately. An MRI showed signs of a spinal cord leak.
Currently I am in the hospital waiting on a special scan to help us pinpoint where the leak is coming from since the first attempt to fix it didn't work. I've been here a week now and will most likely be here another 5 to 7 days and then recovery will be another 4 to 6 weeks at home with varying degrees of limitations. This is so hard for me because I like to be the one to take care of others and now I'm helpless and have to let others help me. It's tough. But I'm trying.
I have a fantastic support system and I'm so thankful. But it's still hard not to feel lonely when you have to spend a lot of your day alone. Covid restrictions limits visitors and of course being on bed rest and stuck in the hospital doesn't help either. It makes it hard to connect and for a social butterfly like me, that is hard.
I know I'm tough, but the unknown is scary. It's hard for me to be vulnerable and admit that I need support. I feel small and needy and scared and I don't want to be a burden.
Tomorrow I have a special scan where they inject dye into my spine to see where the leak is and then we can determine what the best plan is for the repair. Knowledge is power! I know that I will be ok.
In happier news, Mr. Devious and I are celebrating 4 years of marriage on May 6. We will be doing our annual photo shoot and exchanging gifts and hopefully having a small mountain getaway if I am mobile enough. The traditional wedding gift this year is flowers and fruit so we are both thinking of something creative that incorporates that. I can't wait for him to see what I am having made for him. It will be delicious.
Jaro will be ending one year of denial on May 11. I can't believe it has been a whole year. I hope his orgasm will be amazing and well worth the wait. I have something very special planned for him and it will be a very special birthday orgasm for the denied little worm. I know that our D/s relationship has really taken a step back recently but Jaro has been an amazing support for me through everything I have been through. We also have been discussing the possibility of him finding somebody to experiment with in person when covid restrictions settle down and allow that to be possible.
As for my Gerbil, we have been experimenting off and on with different levels of exposure and humiliation. I have shown him off on getDare Reddit, kinktalk, discord and to my best friends. He loves to know that he is just a lowly little gerbil servant with a tiny cocklet (definetly smaller than Jaro's). We also made the decision recently that he no longer has limits with me. I own him without bounds. He is mine, wholly.
Well, that is the update for now I think. I hope you are all well. I don't know how many of you will read this and even know or care who I am but for those who did/do, thank you. Stay safe and well.
Butterfly xx
Since I was 10 years old I have struggled with chronic migraines and they only increaded when I moved to the migraine capital of Canada to live with Mr. Devious 6 years ago. I can usually manage ok, but in 2021 I really struggled and started to work with my doctor to manage them with medication.
In January a new headache happened that started to wake me up from a dead sleep, causing me to scream every 15 min or so. It felt like electric shocks to the brain. After a hospital stay and a nerve block, that pain stopped. However, a neurologist followed me as an outpatient and suspected that something more was happened as my headaches continued. At times I couldn't leave bed for days at a time because any time I sat up, the pain and pressure was unbearable. As soon as I laid down, it went away almost immediately. An MRI showed signs of a spinal cord leak.
Currently I am in the hospital waiting on a special scan to help us pinpoint where the leak is coming from since the first attempt to fix it didn't work. I've been here a week now and will most likely be here another 5 to 7 days and then recovery will be another 4 to 6 weeks at home with varying degrees of limitations. This is so hard for me because I like to be the one to take care of others and now I'm helpless and have to let others help me. It's tough. But I'm trying.
I have a fantastic support system and I'm so thankful. But it's still hard not to feel lonely when you have to spend a lot of your day alone. Covid restrictions limits visitors and of course being on bed rest and stuck in the hospital doesn't help either. It makes it hard to connect and for a social butterfly like me, that is hard.
I know I'm tough, but the unknown is scary. It's hard for me to be vulnerable and admit that I need support. I feel small and needy and scared and I don't want to be a burden.
Tomorrow I have a special scan where they inject dye into my spine to see where the leak is and then we can determine what the best plan is for the repair. Knowledge is power! I know that I will be ok.
In happier news, Mr. Devious and I are celebrating 4 years of marriage on May 6. We will be doing our annual photo shoot and exchanging gifts and hopefully having a small mountain getaway if I am mobile enough. The traditional wedding gift this year is flowers and fruit so we are both thinking of something creative that incorporates that. I can't wait for him to see what I am having made for him. It will be delicious.
Jaro will be ending one year of denial on May 11. I can't believe it has been a whole year. I hope his orgasm will be amazing and well worth the wait. I have something very special planned for him and it will be a very special birthday orgasm for the denied little worm. I know that our D/s relationship has really taken a step back recently but Jaro has been an amazing support for me through everything I have been through. We also have been discussing the possibility of him finding somebody to experiment with in person when covid restrictions settle down and allow that to be possible.
As for my Gerbil, we have been experimenting off and on with different levels of exposure and humiliation. I have shown him off on getDare Reddit, kinktalk, discord and to my best friends. He loves to know that he is just a lowly little gerbil servant with a tiny cocklet (definetly smaller than Jaro's). We also made the decision recently that he no longer has limits with me. I own him without bounds. He is mine, wholly.
Well, that is the update for now I think. I hope you are all well. I don't know how many of you will read this and even know or care who I am but for those who did/do, thank you. Stay safe and well.
Butterfly xx
Total Comments 19
Comments
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Oh miss!😖😰. My heart goes out to you, I truly hope you will be ok. I feel so sad now with worry. Please be safe, Miss.Posted 04-18-2021 at 10:26 PM by CLGurl 
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I will be ok. I am in the best place for me with an amazing team. The wait sucks but I know I am in good hands. I just have to trust in the process.Quote:Originally Posted by CLGurl
Oh miss!😖😰. My heart goes out to you, I truly hope you will be ok. I feel so sad now with worry. Please be safe, Miss.Posted 04-18-2021 at 10:31 PM by Butterfly
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I hope so Miss. I’m all teary, I’m sorry Miss
Posted 04-18-2021 at 10:32 PM by CLGurl
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I'm sorry to hear of the level of pain you've been in; I know first-hand how it can cause horrible warping. However, that you're getting tests and moving forward is good news, even with the enforced rest. Knowledge is power, true, and being laid out doesn't mean there won't be plenty of opportunities to learn and grow from the experience. Take heart in your innate qualities that have helped you adapt so many times before, and the love and support you're surrounded by.
Congratulations to the both of you on your upcoming anniversary, here's to many more years of love and happiness together.
Take care.Posted 04-18-2021 at 10:44 PM by StrawDog
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Oh I'm so sorry for your troubles - and right when things are slowly beginning to brighten up (both plaguewise and seasonwise)! Will it help make you feel better if I tell you that I think of you as "Buttyfly"? Buttyfly is just such a friendly-sounding word. Or would be, if it were a proper word. (Something for you to do while you lounge sexily in your bed: come up with a good meaning for the word "buttyfly"!)
Friendly thoughts and good wishes from the mythical North (where the wild, naked cstelles graze anemones like ballet dancers).Posted 04-18-2021 at 10:49 PM by Cstelle
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I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you've been experiencing, Butterfly.
I hope that this test proves fruitful and that they are able to repair the leak. Please keep us informed. My thoughts go out to you.
I would check in throughout the day, but I can't access this site at work and can't take my cell into my office. I can check my personal e-mail, if you want to communicate. Might make you feel less lonely, maybe?
Very happy that your support crew have been there for you throughout this whole ordeal. Mr. Devious, Jaro, and your Gerbil are all amazing. You got this!Posted 04-19-2021 at 04:03 AM by Blue Fox
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You know I'm here every day to support you in any way I can Miss. But never lose hope for better times. As you said: knowledge is power. I am pretty sure things will work out better this time! Hang in there! Lots of hugs coming your way!
Posted 04-19-2021 at 06:51 AM by Jaro
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Good luck with everything from the east coast of Canada!Posted 04-19-2021 at 07:37 AM by FrostbittenSoul 
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My thoughts are with you, get well soon!Posted 04-19-2021 at 01:44 PM by Bdsub
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Best of all to you!Posted 04-19-2021 at 02:46 PM by zephyrnem
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Get well soon! Sounds like learning to let others take care of you instead of the other way around might be a big learning. Still, headaches suck, especially migraines. I hope you can figure it out and improve that head condition.
Posted 04-20-2021 at 04:30 AM by CSasha
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I had a spinal cord leak a few years ago. Luckily they caught it after only a few months and I had a blood patch done in my back that fixed it. But all that to just say, I know how painful the headaches are from a leak, and it sounds like you have that pain on top of your original problem and for that I am terribly sorry! I hope they find the leak and fix it for you quickly!Posted 04-20-2021 at 05:07 AM by KinkyKoala
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Heyyyy. I am praying for your recovery and hoping everything goes well. Rest up, ready easy. It's super awesome that you have a great support system, you have already won half the battle right there. Warm hugs and wishing you well.Posted 04-21-2021 at 02:49 PM by SilvertongueLyra
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So sorry to hear of your pain, but thankful you're getting tests done so they can fix thr problem. Also glad that you have a good personal support system as that can make all the difference. And as part of this community support system, many good thoughts for a quick recovery. I wish you all the best.Posted 04-22-2021 at 02:32 AM by spankme554
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Oh babe! I hope that everything goes well and you on the mend quickly ❤ x
Posted 04-23-2021 at 02:46 PM by LittleMissSass
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Thank you all for the wonderful and supportive messages. I am now at home, resting. The procedure to repair the leak went as well as possible and now all I can do is take it easy at home for the next few months and hope that my body does what it needs to do in order for it to work.
Posted 04-23-2021 at 05:54 PM by Butterfly
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Keeping fingers and toes crossed for you, Butterfly! Sending you many, MANY warm wishes and hoping for as speedy a recovery as possible!Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
Thank you all for the wonderful and supportive messages. I am now at home, resting. The procedure to repair the leak went as well as possible and now all I can do is take it easy at home for the next few months and hope that my body does what it needs to do in order for it to work.
*sends e-hugs*Posted 04-23-2021 at 06:38 PM by Blue Fox
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I'm sorry for the late arrival, but i wish you a good recovery and may the headaches be gone for ever! I was unaware of your migraine problems and the level of severity...
(For me pills still work but make me feel weird)
So, good wishes and big hugs for the sweetest butterfly of all times! Also: all universes.Posted 04-26-2021 at 10:36 AM by Wolf007
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I hope everything is ok Miss. I was really scared for you.
Posted 04-27-2021 at 05:45 PM by CLGurl
