A Rant About Limits
So, I've seen some shit on this site that absolutely should not stand, and even worse is I don't see people fighting against it. The GD community is, technically, part of the BDSM community and as such should be upholding the standards that come with this title. The biggest issue I've seen is how limits are being handled, and it's absolutely appalling. You can't just fucking decide that because you don't like someone's limits you can make them break the limits, they're there for a reason! I get it, you have the choice to go through with the dares and you don't have to, but I feel like the punishment for refusing a dare because it breaks a limit is unjust. Hell, there should be no punishment for refusing something because of your limits. And yet. people will insult and berate others because of their limits.
Limits exist for a reason: emotional/mental/psychological protection. If someone has a limit there's almost definitely a very good reason behind it. Either to prevent themselves from having to face the law or because they know it could cause trauma to themselves. So when I see a dare that has the instruction that a slave has to drop some or all of their limits I naturally go fucking insane. It's just not cool! There's no reason why that should ever be a term for a dare. Dares are supposed to be fun, maybe a little experimental and blood pumping, but they aren't supposed to hurt someone. So where, then, do you get the right to tell someone that they can't keep their limits?
The BDSM community is about caring for each other and treating everyone with respect and equality, despite how opposite that may seem. Yes, we humiliate and insult people but it's all part of the fun and we all know that at the end of the day it's because we gave our consent. But limits... Well, they are the opposite of that. We consent to giving up control to someone but with the obvious terms that you stay as far away from limits as possible, unless otherwise stated. The entirety of BDSM is consensual non-consent. We give permission to be treated how we like, expecting that our partners or fellow community will respect our wishes. If we know we can't do something under any circumstances then we tell you that we will not do it. There's no reason why we should be punished for keeping ourselves safe and secure. Yet somehow, here on GetDare, that's not what's happening. It's like something about this community decides that all of the rules and guidelines that protects the members of the BDSM community are thrown out of the window.
It's not safe, it's not secure, and overall we get punished if we try to protect ourselves. I get it, it's the internet, there are assholes, etc... But this is supposed to be a welcoming community, this site is for people who don't want to be tied down by contracts or who don't necessarily want to do everything in private but instead want the input and feedback of their community, and we should respect each other. GetDare is a place for people to receive fun tasks or punishments, but not a place to be hurt by each other because we don't like the idea that someone has limits. We should respect each other and treat each other equally, not acting like we're better than someone else because we like different things or have different limits or, hell, even because you're a dominant/master/mistress and they are a submissive. That's how communities die and that's how you push people away from something. Especially newcomers to the communities! Do you really want people to come in, step their toes into the water, only to flinch back because someone decides that they should push the new people harder than necessary? They won't come back, they'll tell others about how toxic the community is, and we'll remain stagnant until everyone who's still in the community leaves.
I want to see GetDare survive and strive, I love this site and everything it stands for. But it can only do so when you start to respect other people and treat them the way the BDSM community is supposed to: with equality and consent.
Thank you for taking your time to read this rant. I imagine I missed out on a lot of things I wanted to say but there's simply too much to say about it.
Limits exist for a reason: emotional/mental/psychological protection. If someone has a limit there's almost definitely a very good reason behind it. Either to prevent themselves from having to face the law or because they know it could cause trauma to themselves. So when I see a dare that has the instruction that a slave has to drop some or all of their limits I naturally go fucking insane. It's just not cool! There's no reason why that should ever be a term for a dare. Dares are supposed to be fun, maybe a little experimental and blood pumping, but they aren't supposed to hurt someone. So where, then, do you get the right to tell someone that they can't keep their limits?
The BDSM community is about caring for each other and treating everyone with respect and equality, despite how opposite that may seem. Yes, we humiliate and insult people but it's all part of the fun and we all know that at the end of the day it's because we gave our consent. But limits... Well, they are the opposite of that. We consent to giving up control to someone but with the obvious terms that you stay as far away from limits as possible, unless otherwise stated. The entirety of BDSM is consensual non-consent. We give permission to be treated how we like, expecting that our partners or fellow community will respect our wishes. If we know we can't do something under any circumstances then we tell you that we will not do it. There's no reason why we should be punished for keeping ourselves safe and secure. Yet somehow, here on GetDare, that's not what's happening. It's like something about this community decides that all of the rules and guidelines that protects the members of the BDSM community are thrown out of the window.
It's not safe, it's not secure, and overall we get punished if we try to protect ourselves. I get it, it's the internet, there are assholes, etc... But this is supposed to be a welcoming community, this site is for people who don't want to be tied down by contracts or who don't necessarily want to do everything in private but instead want the input and feedback of their community, and we should respect each other. GetDare is a place for people to receive fun tasks or punishments, but not a place to be hurt by each other because we don't like the idea that someone has limits. We should respect each other and treat each other equally, not acting like we're better than someone else because we like different things or have different limits or, hell, even because you're a dominant/master/mistress and they are a submissive. That's how communities die and that's how you push people away from something. Especially newcomers to the communities! Do you really want people to come in, step their toes into the water, only to flinch back because someone decides that they should push the new people harder than necessary? They won't come back, they'll tell others about how toxic the community is, and we'll remain stagnant until everyone who's still in the community leaves.
I want to see GetDare survive and strive, I love this site and everything it stands for. But it can only do so when you start to respect other people and treat them the way the BDSM community is supposed to: with equality and consent.
Thank you for taking your time to read this rant. I imagine I missed out on a lot of things I wanted to say but there's simply too much to say about it.
Total Comments 11
Comments
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I completely agree with you. Limits are something that should be respected at all times. The person who has those limits is the only person who should get to decide when it is time and under what circumstances they decided to push or remove a limit completely.
I see threads where the whole point is to give tasks that break somebody's limits and I think it is stupid. If it can so easily be broken, it really isn't a limit ...
I think part of the problem is that half (probabably more) of the getDare community are actually living out a fantasy in a fantasy world. It is all a big role play for them, gathering fap material on a quest to achieve an orgasm. They have no intention of completing the tasks set for them, and/or don't feel as though the person they are giving the task to is actually going to complete it. So why bother with limits?
Others are simply misinformed. They believe that a slave should not be allowed to have limits. That they are there for the sole purpose of pleasing any person with a dominant bone in their body.
And of course there is also the case of people who LIKE punishments. They actively search for harsh tasks (whether they are going to complete them or not) because they like the idea of "I was naughty, I need to be punished", and that is fine, but there are a lot of people who take punishment seriously.
I agree with you that the community needs to be supportive and respectful of each other, but just like the real world, you have to stand up and advocate for yourself as well. Just because somebody gives you a task that breaks a limit or a punishment, it doesn't mean you have to do it. Stand up, tell them to fuck off, and move on. There are always going to be those people here, and in the real world. And it is our job to stand up to them so that they know their actions are NOT ok.Posted 07-12-2018 at 08:58 AM by Butterfly 
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I have also seen people who have some limits for strangers, with those limits being possible at least with people they build a relationship with over a longer period. It often comes down to reliability and trust. Just saying.
Posted 07-12-2018 at 09:57 AM by CSasha
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AMEN!!!! People have finally started talking about this. It makes me so angry. Also another thing that drives me insane is people calling themselves Masters when they are 19 years old and have never even had real life experience.... It really takes away the meaning of the word.Posted 07-12-2018 at 11:35 AM by lilith_
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Yes, I completely agree that having hard and soft limits is acceptable. I actually have all of my limits listed as hard limits to start. However, with Mr. Devious, I have almost NO limits and will do pretty much anything he asks me to try. And other play partners may fall somewhere in between and I may be willing to lift a limit with them as things progress.Quote:Originally Posted by Cassandra
I have also seen people who have some limits for strangers, with those limits being possible at least with people they build a relationship with over a longer period. It often comes down to reliability and trust. Just saying.
But when you are a stranger who has barely said a few sentences to somebody and you expect them to break limits. This is NOT ok.Posted 07-12-2018 at 12:27 PM by Butterfly
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I love these discussions. They are informative, helpful, bring awareness to more people... and is caring to the community and making it better place. Thank you all.Posted 07-12-2018 at 01:39 PM by Joan Sky
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This is the entire basis of this rant. I kinda tiptoed around the point that slaves are still supposed to have rights, but all in all I think I did a decent job, given my communication issues.Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
I completely agree with you. Limits are something that should be respected at all times. The person who has those limits is the only person who should get to decide when it is time and under what circumstances they decided to push or remove a limit completely.
I see threads where the whole point is to give tasks that break somebody's limits and I think it is stupid. If it can so easily be broken, it really isn't a limit ...
I think part of the problem is that half (probabably more) of the getDare community are actually living out a fantasy in a fantasy world. It is all a big role play for them, gathering fap material on a quest to achieve an orgasm. They have no intention of completing the tasks set for them, and/or don't feel as though the person they are giving the task to is actually going to complete it. So why bother with limits?
Others are simply misinformed. They believe that a slave should not be allowed to have limits. That they are there for the sole purpose of pleasing any person with a dominant bone in their body.
And of course there is also the case of people who LIKE punishments. They actively search for harsh tasks (whether they are going to complete them or not) because they like the idea of "I was naughty, I need to be punished", and that is fine, but there are a lot of people who take punishment seriously.
I agree with you that the community needs to be supportive and respectful of each other, but just like the real world, you have to stand up and advocate for yourself as well. Just because somebody gives you a task that breaks a limit or a punishment, it doesn't mean you have to do it. Stand up, tell them to fuck off, and move on. There are always going to be those people here, and in the real world. And it is our job to stand up to them so that they know their actions are NOT ok.
Overall, I'm extremely excited about the support I've gotten with this! I was expecting quite a bit of backlash, but then, the backlash would come from the people who need to read this and who this is directed at. I just hope that enough people see and read this that it can make an impact on the community as a whole. This isn't a fantasy site, not for all of us, this is a place to sit back, relax, and be ourselves.Posted 07-12-2018 at 01:58 PM by BastyTheKitty
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I will admit, I am at fault for this as early as 16, honestly. However, I quickly grew out of it and found that I don't actually like being a dom at all, nor was I any good at it. It does take experience and knowledge to be a good master, I won't deny that. It comes down to essentially accepting the facts that I wrote in the rant: it's about respect and equality, the slave gets just as much say as the master does, outside of sessions. And even then, the slave has the right to end the session immediately if they don't feel comfortable. This is the point where a true master and a fake master starts to show the difference.Quote:Originally Posted by lilith_
AMEN!!!! People have finally started talking about this. It makes me so angry. Also another thing that drives me insane is people calling themselves Masters when they are 19 years old and have never even had real life experience.... It really takes away the meaning of the word.
A true master would stop, sit back, help the slave relax, and discuss everything up to that point, figure out where he went wrong, and fix it.
A fake master would probably lose his shit, push the slave further (or maybe he would stop) but he'd almost definitely lose the relationship, either by ending it because he's an arrogant, selfish ponce or by the slave leaving because he's an arrogant, selfish ponce.
Sorry, I kinda lost my temper there... I've had people push me past my comfort zone and I would immediately stop, tell them to sod off, and go complain about them and about how they hurt me. It's not a fun thing to go through.Posted 07-12-2018 at 02:02 PM by BastyTheKitty
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Getdare gave me a VERY bad idea of BDSM when I first started. I made so many mistakes that I am so ashamed of them now. I was one of those ignorant people who call themselves Master/Mistress and they hardly have any experience even online. But I did a lot of research and thankfully youtubers, articles and fetlife opened my eyes. I left getdare for about a year after that. Now that I am back, I am happy to see the mods trying to educate people! But not only the mods but also other members seem to have started talking about important topics like limits, consent, topping from the bottom etc. The stupidity is still strong around here but it seems like there are a bit more quality posts than 1-2 years ago.Quote:Originally Posted by BastyTheKitty
I will admit, I am at fault for this as early as 16, honestly. However, I quickly grew out of it and found that I don't actually like being a dom at all, nor was I any good at it. It does take experience and knowledge to be a good master, I won't deny that. It comes down to essentially accepting the facts that I wrote in the rant: it's about respect and equality, the slave gets just as much say as the master does, outside of sessions. And even then, the slave has the right to end the session immediately if they don't feel comfortable. This is the point where a true master and a fake master starts to show the difference.
A true master would stop, sit back, help the slave relax, and discuss everything up to that point, figure out where he went wrong, and fix it.
A fake master would probably lose his shit, push the slave further (or maybe he would stop) but he'd almost definitely lose the relationship, either by ending it because he's an arrogant, selfish ponce or by the slave leaving because he's an arrogant, selfish ponce.
Sorry, I kinda lost my temper there... I've had people push me past my comfort zone and I would immediately stop, tell them to sod off, and go complain about them and about how they hurt me. It's not a fun thing to go through.Posted 07-12-2018 at 02:23 PM by lilith_
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Some of us do still care about this community and want to see it continue to strive and succeed. Honestly, there's no replacing GD. I love the entire concept of it, but you get the people who either don't know or don't care and they can ruin it. As I mentioned and as you've now proven: this community can turn people off of BDSM as a whole with the behaviours exhibited.Quote:Originally Posted by lilith_
Getdare gave me a VERY bad idea of BDSM when I first started. I made so many mistakes that I am so ashamed of them now. I was one of those ignorant people who call themselves Master/Mistress and they hardly have any experience even online. But I did a lot of research and thankfully youtubers, articles and fetlife opened my eyes. I left getdare for about a year after that. Now that I am back, I am happy to see the mods trying to educate people! But not only the mods but also other members seem to have started talking about important topics like limits, consent, topping from the bottom etc. The stupidity is still strong around here but it seems like there are a bit more quality posts than 1-2 years ago.
I want to have a place where I can go and feel like the people respect me and my wishes, not a place where I ask for something and get screwed over for it.Posted 07-12-2018 at 02:28 PM by BastyTheKitty
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I feel the same way as both of you. However, I think it is more important to educate people and let them know that there are always going to be stupid people to deal with. Even in your local community, there are consent issues, acceptance problems, you are always going to run into these things. So you need to be self aware and do your research.
I love getDare and it has completely changed my life. So has kink in general. I try to do my best to get information out there so that new people in the community don't have bad experiences, but there is only so much we can do. Hopefully they can learn from past mistakes like we all have, and if they are interested in pursuing kink and the community, hopefully they can more easily find the resources that they need to thrive here.Posted 07-12-2018 at 02:32 PM by Butterfly
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Agreed with all said. I have nothing more to add, as it's been said already. Just wanted you to know, however, that your words do resonate.Posted 07-12-2018 at 02:57 PM by Blue Fox
