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It's All In Your Mind

Posted 12-19-2017 at 06:31 PM by PrincessJessica

It's All In Your Mind, and My Peculiar Relationship with Kinks

As part of a new, and temporary rule, I've effectively got to blog about something I'm uncomfortable talking about for the next 6 days (thanks Cassandra for the unexpected extension)...today it's something I think everyone's uncomfortable talking about; mental health (with a little kink focus of course)

(Background post: "It's All About Me")

I think it's fair to say, aged 27, that life has exactly gone to plan thus far. I've always been called a "sensitive boy" growing up (which I now know it adult code for takes offence & might cry easily). Up until my adult-hood life had been going relatively swimmingly, I'd always done well academically and was a hard worker which seemed enough to set me up for at least a decent job and a happy life.

However, since then, it's felt like one setback after another. I picked badly at University (who knew Maths could be so boring!? ), dropped out but then eventually recovered to finish with a degree from a different university & course. However, the stress from that has led to a semi-disabling illness. Disability is probably over-playing it; I get nauseous and tired with even minor exercising or travelling with symptoms occasionally flaring up to unbearable levels on their own. If I'm largely inactive (PC work, watching TV) I largely get away without feeling too bad so that's what I end up doing lots of embarrassingly.

I'm depressed. I struggled when dropping out of university (I probably needed help then but didn't know how to ask for it) and have struggled these last 3 years in particular (and have needed help). In both cases, it was deep enough to lead me to consider suicide (and I've never admitted that to anyone). I know I'm not as seriously ill as some people (typical guy making it into a competition ) but knowing I'm relatively fortunate compared to most Worldwide only seems to deepen my feelings. "You should be able to pull yourself out of it", "Your not that bad, man up!"; the internal struggle of my own mind eating away at me as my body seemingly joins in is occossionally reached crippling levels.

So what has this got to do with kinks you might reasonably be asking...

Kinks vs self-condfience

I've never been the most self-confident person; it took me until my later teens to take off my jumper in front of others (unless it was simply unbearable heat), I was bullied at school and struggled to make friends.

This makes my main kinks all the more confuddling; the sense of exhibitionism which previously led me to crawl into my skin is now embraced, the pain of bullying self-inflicted (if anything worse than before) and I seek out the same humiliation that once made me unhappy. I'm a walking, and rather confused, contradiction and (even with plenty of "self-analysis") I don't really know how to feel about that;
  • Logically, I think it surely can't be healthy. Opening myself up to the same things that caused me such pain (not quite depression, but certainly very unhappy at times) seems non-sensical.
  • Emotionally though they make me happy now. For better or worse my earlier life experiences have formed my character (e.g. bullying really did strengthen me up) and I should just embrace what makes me happy.
Clearly, as I'm here, the emotional argument is winning out for now. Accepting, and embracing who you are feels healthy; even if the motivations for doing so may be derived from unhealthy experiences.

The Guilt of being Kinky

I've always suffered from "kink guilt"; likely as my fetishes are in such conflict with some of my personality. That nagging voice at the back of my mind (damn, I wish he would shut up ) questioning why I'm doing certain things (see above) or simply making me feel guilty for the dares/tasks I do as it's socially taboo. It's led to an odd relationship with my aforementioned depression, which can largely be put in 3 stages
  1. When relatively new to exploring my kinks I explored it with my first Mistress, naively opening myself up a bad first relationship which soured my opinion of doms generally for a while. Due to the way it ended, and concerns about exposure, it did defintley make me more depressed. (More info: My First Mistrust )
  2. Dropping out of University was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I found I simply stopped enjoying being kinky myself for the next few years, due to the relative closeness to my first bad experience but also general stress. When I did attempt to do kinky things I found the "kink guilt" unbearable making my depression around this time even worse. Looking back I do feel better aftercare (call me slut sure but after play check I'm in a OK place) and distancing myself from certain kinks could have been better rather than going cold-turkey.
  3. Now I have very much a different kink relationship. I can largely put the guilt to one-side and simply enjoy what I enjoy (even if I occasionally overthink that, like in the course of writing this blog lol). The activity I can do as subbing distracting me from my problems and learning about domming engaging my brain has undoubtedly helped me over the last months. I'm in as healthy a place I've been for a while, abliet with the odd wobble here and there.

So, where does all of that leave me?

Well, I'm still depressed but I am receiving treatment for it (and I'd urge anyone who feels they may be depressed to talk to someone trusted about it and seek treatment; having gone through 2 bouts of it I can honestly say with the right treatment is easier). This last few months have generally gone well though as I re-explore my kink side; giving me a perfect distraction to do something I enjoy that doesn't make me feel any iller while doing it (part of a small-subset there). Even with the internal conflict and guilt I occasionally feel I should embrace my kink side purely because it makes me happy.

I'm a chronic over-thinker but I suppose my take away from writing all this is;
  • Kinks aren't anything to be embarrassed about, social taboos are confusing at best and nonsensical at worse. If it hurts no-one (although that's something I often debate) and brings joy to consenting adults it's all good.
  • Do as much of what you enjoy as you can, don't worry about motivations. If you stop enjoying it, stop doing (some of) it!
  • My minds fragile, frequently confused but important. Talking about this kind of thing and seeking help when needed is immensely difficult but always the right thing to do.

Phew, that was even harder to write than my 1st blog in this "series"; there's nothing more sacred than your own thoughts and letting someone rummage around in them freely is pretty darn scary. Thanks to the kind comments on my blogs thus far giving me the confidence to over-share some more, and if there's anything you want to hear about please give me some ideas in the comments/ via PM. 5 more blogs to write and I'm quickly running out of interesting things to say about myself
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  1. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Many thanks for the share. It is very insightful and intimate.

    Depression is a very wide-spread disease. It needs treatment. i have it myself. You are very brave writing about it, and inspire me to do the same.

    Many thanks.
    Posted 12-20-2017 at 06:25 AM by CSasha CSasha is offline
 

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