A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Why can't we just communicate?
Posted 05-07-2019 at 07:09 PM by Butterfly
If I am asked what my top 3 skills are, I would say a) creativity, b) organization and c) communication. I really love to communicate. I am good at it. Most of my friends and coworkers come to me in order to get advice on how or what to say in different situations. When something needs to be said, people ask me to draft the way it should be done. I have a knack for saying things in a tactful, clear and concise manor.
I know others don't all share my skill level when it comes to communication, however, I feel like some people really don't put any effort into it at all. As somebody who thrives on communication, I just don't understand why people avoid it!
Why do people just ghost? Why do people lie? Why do people hide their feelings? What is their to gain from any of those things? I can understand the hesitation. The fear. The trepidation. But I guess I just don't understand how it makes thing better not to communicate.
Conflicts happen! Nobody is perfect, so its bound to happen. Whether it is about hurt feelings, miscommunication or harsh words, it sucks, but it happens!
I am of the belief that if you don't ever experience conflict, it means that your relationship (partners, lovers, D/s, friends, coworkers, etc.) will not last. Even if it is over something silly like whose hockey team is better or which route is faster to get to the store, or it is something more serious like arguing over money or family, IT HAPPENS!!! and ... it is healthy!
Recently I lost a friend because she wasn't willing to communicate. I was nominated to bring up the subject of feeling hurt and under appreciated after throwing her a baby shower. She decided that me talking about my feelings was not acceptable, and instead of talking about it with me, she decided that we are no longer friends. She doesn't need my "drama" in her life.
My mind is blown. I should be able to share my feelings with my friends. Not just a casual friend ... our group of 4 got matching tattoos! Now that is commitment! But at the first sign of conflict, she ran away.
It hurts. 3 years of friendship is gone, because somebody was too .... scared? ... stubborn? ... mad? .... to communicate.
I really don't get it.
Not everybody is great at communication, but trying is half the battle. It doesn't need to be perfect, it doesn't need to be eloquent. It can be messy and emotional and direct, but just do it! For fucks sake, do it!!!!
Why can't we just communicate?
I know others don't all share my skill level when it comes to communication, however, I feel like some people really don't put any effort into it at all. As somebody who thrives on communication, I just don't understand why people avoid it!
Why do people just ghost? Why do people lie? Why do people hide their feelings? What is their to gain from any of those things? I can understand the hesitation. The fear. The trepidation. But I guess I just don't understand how it makes thing better not to communicate.
Conflicts happen! Nobody is perfect, so its bound to happen. Whether it is about hurt feelings, miscommunication or harsh words, it sucks, but it happens!
I am of the belief that if you don't ever experience conflict, it means that your relationship (partners, lovers, D/s, friends, coworkers, etc.) will not last. Even if it is over something silly like whose hockey team is better or which route is faster to get to the store, or it is something more serious like arguing over money or family, IT HAPPENS!!! and ... it is healthy!
Recently I lost a friend because she wasn't willing to communicate. I was nominated to bring up the subject of feeling hurt and under appreciated after throwing her a baby shower. She decided that me talking about my feelings was not acceptable, and instead of talking about it with me, she decided that we are no longer friends. She doesn't need my "drama" in her life.
My mind is blown. I should be able to share my feelings with my friends. Not just a casual friend ... our group of 4 got matching tattoos! Now that is commitment! But at the first sign of conflict, she ran away.
It hurts. 3 years of friendship is gone, because somebody was too .... scared? ... stubborn? ... mad? .... to communicate.
I really don't get it.
Not everybody is great at communication, but trying is half the battle. It doesn't need to be perfect, it doesn't need to be eloquent. It can be messy and emotional and direct, but just do it! For fucks sake, do it!!!!
Why can't we just communicate?
Total Comments 6
Comments
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That sucks. It sucks female donkeys. For what it's worth, you have my sympathies. Maybe it won't last, being a parent or prospective parent brings huge hormonal changes, so, you know, it could be that. But, if not, that straight up sucks.
All the best,
ConniePosted 05-08-2019 at 01:49 AM by Consensus 
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i recently know something similar
but its strange, people and changes.
over the time i have been struggling to stay myself (the emotional and open me)
or become someone else. (closed off me)
i have sortof won the fight of staying my emotional and open side
but i see so many people lose that battle and become someone that we dont even know anymore.
they become someone who is faceless and someone who doesnt show feelings
i dont say thats bad but its something that i see every day in my life recently
and its what is most comfortable with him/her but out of my expirence staying the same open person, is to my opinion so hard.
butterfly just stay strong girl, sadly these things happen and i wish i could give you a hug right now to ease the pain a little.Posted 05-08-2019 at 02:46 AM by SecretGhost
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I have to admit to being one of these non-communicators. It's not so much that I don't want to communicate it's that I often just don't want to deal with confrontation. It's awkward, icky and I get unreasonably upset quickly in arguments so fail to resolve them well. It's something I'm getting better at as I get older, as talking about issues is always the best option, but when my confidence is low I do retreat into bad habits.
However, I'd struggle to imagine a situation where cutting a good friend off permanently was the better option. I only retreat if I know the relationship will last regardless of pressing certain things. Sorry your friend doesn't feel similar, and, of course, sorry for answering the rhetorical question
Posted 05-08-2019 at 09:17 AM by PrincessJessica
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I know I'm going to come off as a bit mean, but you say that "At the first sign of conflict, she ran away" about a close friend of 3 years. If you never had ANY conflict at all with a friend for 3 years that either means you weren't interacting much or that you're not a very good listener so you didn't notice.
Listening properly is a big part of communicating and saying things like :"I know others don't all share my skill level when it comes to communication" makes me assume you focus a lot more on your part of the conversation instead of your friend's. Friends disagree and argue all the time and if you get too pushy and try to one up them whenever they are talking about themselves they might just get sick of it and turn to quiet resentment which sometimes blows up in everyone's face.
Or maybe I'm totally misreading the situation and it's just a normal thing and it'll blow over and you'll be laughing together about it over drinks next week, English isn't my first language so it's not unlikely I'm misunderstanding the situation.
Either way, good luck !Posted 05-08-2019 at 12:34 PM by SlutTrainer
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Thank you for your insight. I am not perfect and I won't ever (seriously, I have joked about it in the past) claim to be. I feel that communication is one of my best skills, however, even I have room for improvement, have bad days and I struggle as well.Quote:Originally Posted by SlutTrainer
I know I'm going to come off as a bit mean, but you say that "At the first sign of conflict, she ran away" about a close friend of 3 years. If you never had ANY conflict at all with a friend for 3 years that either means you weren't interacting much or that you're not a very good listener so you didn't notice.
Listening properly is a big part of communicating and saying things like :"I know others don't all share my skill level when it comes to communication" makes me assume you focus a lot more on your part of the conversation instead of your friend's. Friends disagree and argue all the time and if you get too pushy and try to one up them whenever they are talking about themselves they might just get sick of it and turn to quiet resentment which sometimes blows up in everyone's face.
Or maybe I'm totally misreading the situation and it's just a normal thing and it'll blow over and you'll be laughing together about it over drinks next week, English isn't my first language so it's not unlikely I'm misunderstanding the situation.
Either way, good luck !
However, I pride myself on being a good communicater. That includes listening to people when they talk, asking questions, approaching them if something feels off (just today I asked one of my friends if everything was ok because she hadn't reached out much over the last two days - turns out she has been super busy), and saying things in a way that does not come off as an attack.
I have written a blog solely about how 50% of communicating is about listening.
Now, I did say that at the first sign of conflict, however, I didn't intend to mean that we have never experienced any conflict within our group. We have had miscommunications, and what not, but this was the first time that somebodys feelings were hurt by this particular group member, and it was being expressed. I will also mention that in our group of 4, we were the least close with her because her priorities were more about spending time with her family etc. which was fine. I wouldn't call us best friends, but we were a solid group of 4.
I am not saying I am totally blameless in this situation, because I am sure I could have done something better, but ditching friends because they shared their feelings is still so ludicrous to me. How much did we mean to her if she could just walk away? Didn't our friendship mean enough to talk it out?
Now, you say that maybe we will be laughing about it down the road, but I honestly don't know if that will happen. She has been able to so easily push us out of her life, and ask us not to be in her wedding over something so relatively minor, and I think that speaks volumes about the type of friend she is. And honestly, I don't know if I want to expend time and effort on somebody who isn't willing to at least try to talk about something of this nature.Posted 05-08-2019 at 02:31 PM by Butterfly
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Communication is the central point of any species who is able to build groups of any kind, for me the central point of life.
It has so many aspects, social, even philosophical and political, when it comes to humans. Communication is necessary to survive, we all do at least the communication we need to survive, with tragic exceptions, I know.
People are all humans with the same ancestors, and should therefore have a common method of communication all over the world. Humans are ruling the world, so communication functioned in some way the last 10000 years. The point is, when it comes to a single human being, things get so incredible complicated, and I don't know why.
When I was young, I lived in my own head, knowing what I liked and needed, but mostly did not interact with other people. The reason for this? My parents were similar. I was shy and insecure and wondered about all the other people around me with elaborated opinions. I stayed a long time like this, avoiding conflicts to prevent pain and anger, and I got used to it.
This is the state of non-communication you mentioned.
Now I am in need of communication very badly, because things are changing in my life and I have to learn it the hard way. It seems like a sign for me reading your blog entry, because it fits exactly to my situation these days. This site helped a lot to find words for my needs and thoughts, and I wish to thank you for both, running this site and writing your blog.Posted 05-09-2019 at 06:10 AM by darkblue
