My 2 cents on consent

Decades ago, when my girlfriend turned seventeen, I was going to be sixteen for a couple of days still. Here in Germany, that's the line between consensual sex, except for some special rules that involve parental agreement or marriage. I made a funny comment about it that she would be abusing me for that time if we would physically engage. Well, it was just a kinky fantasy, and I wished so she would. Because we were engaged consensually.

Laws are strange, sometimes. They draw fixed lines where reality can be quite fluid. If I wasn't already married to my husband, I couldn't marry him now. Until 1994 there was a German law that forbade homosexual acts, though it was only enforced until 1969. Some countries have laws against anal sex. On the other hand, they express and support the protection of individual rights, and help that way in a great matter. That's why we use them in the end. For the actual cases, we have judges or juries to decide, if and how the law suits it, and what the consequences are. So in the case of my girlfriend and me, probably nobody would have sentenced her, and I hope vice versa.

So when the logic of the law is so unreliable, how do I handle consent?

I love games. Thanks to the digital age I can play them lots of games alone, against an artificial intelligence or at least the simulation of a more or less interesting opponent. So when I play with one or more Human beings, it is for their character, that they bring into the game. If I just wanted to bash them easily and brag my victories into their faces, I could use dolls or jerk off on my own, and should probably do that. Any conscious Human in that situation should instead tell me what a dick I am.

Once my older brother proposed a game of chess when he was drunk, I pointed it out. He said he was alright. Well, I thought he knew better than me. We played, and then we stopped. It wasn't enjoyable, and he noticed he was too drunk for it. So we just kept on talking, and it was a superb evening. There are many cases when it's not so obvious if your partners can consent or not. It can even change within hours or minutes like a psychodelic episode. Everyone is different, not only regarding responsibility, reliability, or judgment. How the heck shall I know your alcohol level of being still okay? I know people who have a significant problem to say 'No' at all. And then there's even the difference of circumstances. Is your play partner dependent from you? Does she or he hesitate to reject any of your wishes because she or he likes you? Does she or he fear any consequences?

There are a couple of laws that I like to follow principally. Never fuck the company, which by one of my interpretations means 'Don't fuck a colleague.' If we desperately wanted to, one of us should leave the company. Same for any client relations. I understand that because a sexual relationship even for only one night might compromise the basics of every other relationship in there.

Other cases are quite clear. While twenty-six-year-old Tim might be still irresponsible and easily seduced, fourteen-year-old Katy might have proven very reasonable and confident, which doesn't mean you have to jump on her for that immediately. But a six-year-old, I think we totally agree on that case that there can be no consent.

And then there are cases we can argue old night long without coming to a conclusion. Do mentally disabled persons have a right to have sex? Are we allowed to restrict them to have sex only with themselves? What's the exact age of every single person to decide herself when, with whom, and how she or he has sex? And still, there are laws and trials on those questions.

So how do I behave? I prefer to be consent with my partners and myself and to be confident that we all are able to comply right now and during our activities, and care for each other in the absent of it and don't compromise that care by enforcing our self-interests or desires at that moment. There's only so much I can and am willed to do. It doesn't include blood tests, sanity-certificates or a passed exam on sex and autonomy education.

The worst issue for me, that it becomes even more complicated with other people involved with each other. But it's not helpful to always just stand or pass by to such situations. For me, it also not only resolves around sex, assault, or rape but also around insults, discrimination, and violence. Quite a complicated matter, and still worth struggling with it.