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A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Rating: 5 votes, 4.20 average.

I am okay-ish

Posted 10-24-2018 at 11:02 AM by Butterfly

October was supposed to be my subby month. I was hoping to complete some subby tasks, have extra subby play time and really indulge my subby and little sides. However, that plan went to shit when a scary incident at work triggered some things in my past and left me a complete anxiety filled mess.

I walked away from getDare a few weeks ago and went into hiding. This place, one of my favorite escapes, was no longer feeling like a safe haven. Instead, it has become its own source of anxiety.

I have had many people reach out to me and ask how I am doing. While the support is great, I haven't really known how to respond. I think people expect to hear "I am ok" or "I am good", but I didn't feel ok, or good, or fine ... I have been a mess.

There have been days where the thought of leaving my bed made me want to throw up. Days where I would sit in the parking lot outside of work and have to give myself a pep talk to walk into the building. Days where I literally had to use every ounce of courage I could muster just to walk out my front door. There has been tears, fear, and panic attacks.

Other days I feel numb. I feel like I am going through the motions of the day wearing a mask. I smile, but I don't really mean it. I laugh, but I don't really feel it. I spend times with the people I care about, I ask the questions, listen, give advice, but I don't feel connected. All there is, is fog.

I have not felt ok. I have not felt like myself. And so, I have been hiding.

As much as I appreciate all of the messages I get on kik, skype, hangouts, messenger, text message, PM (here and fetlife), or any other means of communication, I don't know how to respond. People don't know what to do when you say you aren't ok.

Mr. Devious has been my biggest supporter of course, he always is. But even he feels helpless. He wants to help but doesn't know how. And I feel helpless myself. If I knew what would help, I would do it.

I have been making some progress. My doctor prescribed some medication to help, and we have adjusted that a few times. I have started seeing a wonderful psychologist who is kink friendly. For the first time in my life i feel like I am actually getting some help with my past traumas, rather than just focusing on one specific crisis and then being discharged.

Today I am feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. I feel okay-ish. The fog has lifted a bit. I am feeling safe. I am feeling normal. The anxiety is relatively low considering I am sitting here in my office at work alone currently. And for the first time in weeks, I am feeling horny.

I think taking a break from getDare and being Dommey was exactly what I needed, even if I didn't get to be as subby as I wanted this month. Taking the time to just be home instead of being as social as I usually am has been good for me as well.

I have been hiding less around here lately. You may have seen me lurking in chat or commenting on a blog or thread here or there. Or maybe even sending or responding to a PM. I am taking baby steps. I still don't feel super safe here right now, but I am getting there. If you see me around, feel free to reach out and say Hi, but please don't be offended if I don't respond, I might just not be up for it at the time. I am working on it.

I still don't feel 100%, but today is a good day. I know I will be okay. But for now, I am perfectly happy with okay-ish.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    CagedHiruzen's Avatar
    I'm glad to hear your doing better I hope you start to feel a lot better.
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 11:10 AM by CagedHiruzen CagedHiruzen is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Happy Me's Avatar
    I’m happy to hear you found a good therapist, that can make a world of difference! Also, as a fellow anxiety sufferer I’m always cool when people don’t reply to me. I’m always sending you good thoughts!
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 11:11 AM by Happy Me Happy Me is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    I am glad that you are feeling a little better and peeking in here again every once in a while. I miss you here.

    I know that it's a loaded question when I ask you how you are in hangouts but yeah... I still have to ask because I care about you. I do understand why it is when you don't respond.

    I am sorry that you didn't get to be subby more, but I'm glad that the break has still helped you. And if you feel you need to extend the break I would support that.
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 11:43 AM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  4. Old Comment
    StrawDog's Avatar
    Very happy to hear you're taking steps and on the mend, even though I'm sure it's much slower than you'd like. Sometimes it can feel liberating to be honest and just say 'I'm not okay right now' and see what happens. You're doing the right stuff, and now it will just take as long as it takes. Sending you both love.
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 11:49 AM by StrawDog StrawDog is offline
  5. Old Comment
    SlutPuppy's Avatar
    Even waking up is a super brave and courageous thing to do! You are one of the most awesome, bravest people I know and I love you so much! I'm happy that you have found people who are actually listening to you and helping you, that can be hard to come across. I know from personal experience it can be hard to feel like yourself again, but you will get there, and you should take all the time you need to do it!
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 11:50 AM by SlutPuppy SlutPuppy is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Cstelle's Avatar
    Good blog update. Would read again. Five stars.
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 12:44 PM by Cstelle Cstelle is offline
  7. Old Comment
    KittenLicks's Avatar
    Echoing all the positive comments about the psychologist! It sounds like things are a bit more on the rails, and I sincerely hope this positive streak stays with you!

    Seeing you back around has lifted a worry off of my shoulders. You're a really wonderful person, and getDare just isn't the same without you.
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 01:15 PM by KittenLicks KittenLicks is offline
  8. Old Comment
    amethyst353's Avatar
    I am all about giving fully honest responses to "how are you?" It combats the idea that we should constantly be putting on a brave face and also clues you in to who actually wants to know how you are vs those who are just saying it as a nicety.

    I really look forward to the day you are fully back on gd. However, your presence would be meaningless unless you are here as your full self so I hope you continue to do what you need to do to get there without rushing back.

    <3<3<3
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 03:40 PM by amethyst353 amethyst353 is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Happy Me's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by marissa353 View Comment
    I am all about giving fully honest responses to "how are you?" It combats the idea that we should constantly be putting on a brave face and also clues you in to who actually wants to know how you are vs those who are just saying it as a nicety.
    Marissa is wise! And this is the truth!

    Just for the record, when I ask people how they are doing I am always looking for an honest answer because one of the greatest joys in my life is helping people through hard things!
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 03:55 PM by Happy Me Happy Me is offline
  10. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Looks like you have quite the following of friends whom are all fully supportive of you taking as much time as you need.

    Glad to hear that things are on the mend and that you've gotten a therapist who is actually helping. I will continue to send you good thoughts and wish you all the best. Take as long as you need, comrade.
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 05:36 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  11. Old Comment
    Runesmith's Avatar
    It's hard to battle your own demons, because it's hard to even understand yourself, let alone explain to someone, what they are. It's good that you found a psychologist you can talk to freely. It's important to be able to talk things out with someone who is detached an non-judgemental.

    I wish you strength, courage and the energy in your battle. You are a wonderful person, and you bring a great deal of energy in to this community. Get well soon.
    Posted 10-24-2018 at 09:00 PM by Runesmith Runesmith is offline
  12. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Thank you all for the wonderful comments and support. It really does help to know that I have people in my corner rooting for me to succeed.
    Posted 10-25-2018 at 08:07 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  13. Old Comment
    Sometimes we all need to step back from things, even those things we love and enjoy, to clear our heads and gain a sense of perspective.
    It is fair to say from my side, I definitely noticed you stepping back from things and I am sorry to hear all that you have been going through

    This site is definitely a group for support, people look out for you here and want to help where they can, I hope you always feel you can talk to us all, even if you don't know what to say, everyone should have the love and comfort that I know I myself have felt on this site.
    We are more than friends here, we are a community and communities stick together during the tough times.

    I hope you continue to feel better and have more and more fun as time moves on
    Posted 10-25-2018 at 07:57 PM by Bloxo Bloxo is offline
  14. Old Comment
    Wedgiebondagebabe's Avatar
    I may only be on here when I feel down and I need to talk, at least that is what it seems like lately, but I am still here. I have learned recently that saying you are not okay is actually more freeing than hiding. At least that is what I have learned from my relationship with Nate. He doen't know what to do with me either, so I hope Mr. Devious can take some support in that aspect. Also I hope this doesn't sound demanding and mean, but if I ever ask you how you are, I don't want a lie or a cover story. I want to know because I think of you as a best friend on here and I care about you and seeing how you are doing. We all care about you very much and on very different levels of our relations, but I want you to know how amazing I think you are because I know that is probably the last thing you are thinking. I am also very proud of you because you are doing something I do not have the courage to do and that is to ask for help. I love you and hope to see your cheery energy soon, but only when you are ready. I will also try to get my kik reactivated as well.
    Posted 10-29-2018 at 04:53 AM by Wedgiebondagebabe Wedgiebondagebabe is offline
 

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