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I am not ok

Posted 09-29-2018 at 06:48 PM by Butterfly
Updated 09-29-2018 at 06:57 PM by Butterfly

As I sit here and write this, my chest is still tight. It hurts to breathe. I have started this blog about 10 times now and wiped everything that I have written. The truth is, I really don't know how to describe the feelings that are happening inside me.

The thing is, I thought I was doing better. It has been awhile since I have had such a flare up in anxiety. It has been years and years since I have had more than one anxiety attack in a week.

I have no explanation for the attacks that I have endured over the past month or two. They just randomly happen, for no apparent reason. I have been told its normal. Anxiety doesn't need a reason.

But this time there was a reason.

On Monday an incident happened at work. A man came in to our building and was very aggresive. He didn't have a weapon, he wasn't even very large, but he was very physically and verbally aggressive. He came into my office and got into my face, leaning over my desk, yelling at me. He did similar things to other staff, and I thought he was going to hit somebody. He just continued to escalate.

I was somehow able to maintain my calm. We called the police but managed to get him out of the office before they arrived. I was able to calm down and finish the day of work, but the feeling of being unsafe followed me.

The next day I struggled to go into work, but I pushed through.

However, Wednesday we had a staff meeting and the incident was brought up. I learned that it wasn't just me that felt scared and unsafe. Instead of helping, this actually made it worse. It justified it in my mind. However, when we were discussing options on how to handle similar situations in the future, I felt like my concerns for my safety were invalidated.

I automatically went back to a place in my mind that I hadn't paid much attention to in five years: the day I was sexually assaulted.

I am not going to go into the details here, but I think I am going to write a seperate blog entry to talk about. I have never actually written about it before and I am hoping it might help. But I don't want to trigger anybody else.

My chest was so tight I felt like an elephant was sitting on me. I couldn't breathe. I could barely see. I couldn't think properly. I felt unsafe. I was shaking. I felt scared. I felt invalidated, insignificant, alone.

When I was able to be home, safe in my bed, some of the tightness in my chest released instantly. Having Mr. Devious with me made all the difference. But the feeling didn't just go away. The next day it was still there, and the next ...

It took every ounce of strength that I could muster to get me through the week. To go to the doctor and explain that I was having panic attacks. To go to my best friends even for a girls night, even though I knew it would be more therapeutic than anything else.

This morning it was mostly gone. I knew I didn't need to leave the safety of my house. I was home with the man that loves me.

And then a facebook message popped up. One of my coworkers was at work, alone, and the man had returned. He had walked into the building and was sitting in the front lobby just charging his phone. A feeling of terror washed over me, all of a sudden it was hard to breathe again. I told my coworker to call the police right away. Don't approach him, just call the police.

Thankfully the situation turned out. The police removed the man. If he returns again he will be charged. Everything is ok.

But I don't feel ok.

I am doing everything I can to not think about Monday. Having to walk back into that building ... I know I am probably over reacting, but it now feels like such an unsafe place. I associate it with those feelings from 5 years ago.

Thank you to all of the wonderful people in my life, you know who you are. The ones who take the time to talk to me at all hours of the day, those who understand when I have not been able to follow through on my commitments this week and to those who . Thank you to Mr. Devious for putting up with me even though I am so screwed up and broken that I don't think it's even possible to love me.

If I owe you a task or dare, if you are waiting for a report from me, for those that are waiting for me to do my live audio session, please continue to be patient with me. I am not able to get these things done right now, but I promise I will. Your patience is appreciated.

I am very fragile right now, so please be kind with your comments. If you don't have anything nice to say, I really would rather not hear it.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    amethyst353's Avatar
    I'm so sorry. It's awful that you need to be on edge in the place you probably spend the most time outside of your home. I hope your workplace is willing to pay extra to not let anyone work alone for a while. I hope you can get refuge soon and that you can find a way to be okay until you do.

    <3 <3 <3
    Posted 09-29-2018 at 07:41 PM by amethyst353 amethyst353 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    pet monkey's Avatar
    That is horrible! There's nothing worse than feeling like you aren't in a safe place (or have to return to a place you don't feel safe in). I'm sending all the hugs and good thoughts. Feel free to message if you need anything! I promise to be nice!
    Posted 09-29-2018 at 08:40 PM by pet monkey pet monkey is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Joan Sky's Avatar
    I hope you overcome this soon... I share everyones well wishes for you. I cannot read your next blog yet. I have a feeling it will upset me too much and I'm feeling a little too vulnerable to chance it. I will try to read it soon if I'm ready. I have been through disturbing things before also. My heart goes with you. I hope you heal soon. Mr Devious is there for you, and we all are too. Take care Butterfly.
    Posted 09-29-2018 at 09:21 PM by Joan Sky Joan Sky is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Happy Me's Avatar
    Butterfly, I have been in a similar place way in the past and it is extraordinarily difficult. You are not imagining how hard it is. I am so glad you have a safe place, and I will be sending you all my extra strength and good thoughts. I hope you can feel them a little! And I hope the calm moments are more often and the bad moments are less bad until one day this is all a distant memory.
    Posted 09-29-2018 at 10:25 PM by Happy Me Happy Me is offline
  5. Old Comment
    pranadevil's Avatar
    The fact that the guy caused you to feel that way is terrible, and you have every right to feel threatened, and worried by him. I do hope that with the police removing him, he won't be back, and you can get into a routine again.

    As for Mr Devious being with you and loving you, I'm sure I wrote a blog post recently thatvsomewhat covers that. You are awesome, and he loves you completely, the good and bad, the past and the future. And he's just as lucky to be with you as you are with him.

    And anyone who takes issue with you taking time to get tasks or anything done isn't deserving of having them done to begin with. The most important thing is making sure you are okay, if that means stepping away from the site a bit (entirely, or just the task side), then you do whatever you need to do, to make you feel okay.

    Hope you are able to feel safe and be back to your old self sooner than later, just remember though that no matter what happens your friends will all be thete for you, and no matter what tricks your brain may play on you (I say it only as I've been there) you're never a burden to your friends, and they all want to help however much they can.
    Posted 09-30-2018 at 01:09 AM by pranadevil pranadevil is online now
  6. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    *hands you my stuffed tiger to huggle*

    So sorry that this has happened to you. Warm wishes and best thoughts to you, Butterfly. May sunshine and rainbows brighten your day.
    Posted 09-30-2018 at 08:04 AM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  7. Old Comment
    nina@'s Avatar
    I am sorry to hear this happened.. It's understandable that you are not ok.. these incidents have a worse impact when they trigger past trauma.. hope you take your time and recover, a little distraction always helps.. take care..<3<3
    Posted 09-30-2018 at 10:15 AM by nina@ nina@ is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Thank you everybody for your kind words of support.

    I have been talking with my coworkers and boss and we are coming up with a plan to make me feel safe at work. I am still very anxious to return tomorrow, but this weekend at home has done me well.

    *Hugs to all*
    Posted 09-30-2018 at 03:48 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  9. Old Comment
    IceMaiden's Avatar
    It is okay to not be okay and it is okay to be nervous, scared or anxious. The important thing is you recognised the problem and instead of avoiding it, you are facing it. And anyone who can't wait for you or thinks their kink/getting off is more important than your health can quite frankly sod off.
    Posted 10-12-2018 at 09:34 AM by IceMaiden IceMaiden is offline
    Updated 10-12-2018 at 09:37 AM by Butterfly
 

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