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The 5 Love Languages

Posted 02-18-2019 at 09:33 PM by Butterfly

Through the process of trying to find a co-dom, as well as working through some things in counselling, I have been learning a lot about myself. Every time we learn something new about ourselves, I think it is beneficial and only allows us to implement actions that make us feel happier.

Knowledge is power!

I recently took the 5 Love Languages test. For those that have never heard of this before, the love languages help to describe the way we feel loved and appreciated by others. By knowing what our love languages are, we can communicate our needs better to our partners, and/or find a partner who is more compatible to our love language. If you would like to take the quiz and find our your love language, here is a link to a PDF version.

So what are the 5 Love Languages?


1. Words of Affirmation
If this is your love language, it means that you feel the most valued when your partner uses loving words that build you up. Compliments or hearing the words "I love you" or "I am proud of you" can go a really long way.

In a D/s relationship this can be accomplished by telling your partner that they turn you on, giving them compliments, or that they did a great job with their task or play session.

However, another to note is that, if this is your love language, negative words can cause more damage and might take longer to heal.

2. Acts of Service
If this is your love language, it means that you feel the most valued when your partner does things that they know you will like. Doing something like laundry, cooking dinner, or running an errand. Something that requires thought, time and effort. Usually an act of service is helpful and is something that might be done to relieve the duties or obligations placed on the individual.

It is important that this action is done with a positive attitude rather than out of obligation or with negativity. Also, laziness or making more work for your partner can be especially harmful.

In a D/s relationship this could present itself as changing a deadline for a task, being lenient and understanding about real life obligations, or even offering to help with something as simple as researching a new kink.

3. Receiving Gifts
If this is your love language, it means that receiving small, thoughtful gifts make you feel valued. This doesn't mean you are materialistic. The gifts can be as simple as picking up your favorite drink or candy after a long day, or a buying them a small token that reminds your partner of you. They don't have to be elaborate, but they do have to be thoughtful. Grand gestures are great, but even better are the small, everyday gestures that show you are being thought about.

For a person with this love language, forgetting a birthday, or special occasion can be very hurtful. Empty, meaningless gifts are almost worse than no gifts at all.

In a D/s relationship this love language can be satisfied by taking a photo you know your partner will enjoy, writing a blog about your partner, giving them a task that you know is focused on their loves or it could actually mean giving them a small gift.

4. Quality Time
If this is your love language, it means that undivided person attention means the most to you. This means putting away distractions: phone, tablet, TV, books, music or other people, and putting the focus on spending time together. Watching TV or a movie together doesn't count. For this to be satisfied, you must be giving each other undivided attention, whether this is through just talking to each other, or doing an activity together.

Constant interruptions or distractions when with your partner can be especially hurtful. As can canceling or postponing plans.

In a D/s relationship with a person with this love language, it is important to schedule times where you can chat live, distraction free. Make certain that when making plans, you set the time aside and keep canceling to a minimum.

5. Physical Touch
If this is your love language, physical connection is very important. Holding hands, a caress on the back, massages, kissing, hugs or sexual intimacy are all ways that you can show that your partner is loved, valued, safe, cared for, etc. All the words and gifts in the world can't replace the act of a touch.

Abuse or neglect can be unforgivable.

In a D/s relationship touch can be especially important. However, this can be difficult if your relationship is based online. A person with this love language may find it difficult for long distance relationships. Trying to emote a touch can be helpful (ie. "Touches your cheek"). In an in person relationship, physical affection, or even simple touches during a session can mean so much.

My Love Languages


My strongest love language is Words of Affirmation. This means that I thrive and feel most valued when I hear how loved and valued I am.

In my marriage with Mr. Devious, this means that being told that I look pretty, having him tell me that he is proud of me or thanking me for doing something for him all mean a lot to me. In order to feel loved, I have to be told that I am loved and the why is important too. Hearing I am loved is great, but what means more is the specific things that he loves about me.

I need affirmation that I am wanted, needed and loved. This can be done in writing through a text message or blog, a compliment on a photo or piece of writing that I have posted or it can be spoken out loud directly to me.

In a D/s partnership those things are even more important to me. I am especially vulnerable when submitting and need to hear that I am doing a good job, that I am turning my partner on, that I look good or smell good. I need to hear that I am sexy or cute, and I have to believe that they are true, and not just empty thoughts. Being told that I am a good girl, or that I have made my Dom proud are two of the most powerful things that I can hear.

My second strongest love language is Receiving Gifts. This one truly surprised me. I have a really hard time accepting gifts from people, but I think it makes sense. Having a physical act or token that proves that somebody thought of me makes me feel really good. Not a lot of people in my life have done this for me. Maybe that is why I fight it so much, because I don't want to expect it.

I remember being very hurt on special occasions because somebody has given me something that had literally no thought behind it. I would much rather receive a $1 or home made item that is heartfelt and meaning than something that costs $1000 that means nothing.

In my marriage with Mr. Devious, it means so much to me when he brings me flowers home for no reason. When he goes to the store and sees something new he thinks I would like to try, I feel thought about. When he plans a small surprise for me, it makes my heart jump. And for those special occasions? Choosing something that relates to our relationship, a private joke, or a personal interest of mine rather than something practical is the way to go.

In a D/s relationship, something as simple as a gif on my visitor wall or a recording of a bed time story is amazing. Or even sending a photo of something that makes you think of me. When trust is built, if gifts want to be purchased, small items are more meaningful than big empty gestures. And taking the extra step to find out how to make it more personal is amazing (ie. if you want to buy me a toy that I want, that is great but finding out that my favorite color is pink and choosing that color is even more lovely).

Knowing your love language can be very helpful for successful relationship or even just self care/love. If you want to read more, I have posted my sources below.


Sources:
https://cratedwithlove.com/blog/five...hat-they-mean/

https://findingmyinnersubmissive.wor...ervice-for-me/

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/mar...love-languages
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Just from reading what you wrote about them, I *think* mine are time together and physical touch. Which is crazy since my relationships seem to always lack these...

    Life is weird. And I don't think I would ever be a great match for someone who has the "little gifts" language. Namely because I tend to be too analytical on the gifts I give. Not very good at reading people and understanding them. LOL
    Posted 02-18-2019 at 10:04 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  2. Old Comment
    MastersVoice's Avatar
    Wow this is super interesting and not a theory I have come across before.

    My strongest language of love would be acts of service. I think someone going out of their way, giving up their time to do something for me, selflessly for me is something quite amazing. They only have so many minutes on earth and they allocated those minutes to do something for me, wow.

    Equally someone making more work for me or being 'lazy' would make me think that they just don't care.


    Fascinating post, thank for sharing.
    Posted 02-19-2019 at 03:03 AM by MastersVoice MastersVoice is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Heart's Avatar
    I love taking about the 5 love languages, I think they're great! However when people have opposite love language, I find a relationship can get quite complicated in my experience.
    Posted 02-19-2019 at 08:53 AM by Heart Heart is offline
  4. Old Comment
    LitDarkness's Avatar
    Thanks for this. This is something that probably is good to be talked about.

    I would say mine is acts of service. I hate cleaning but someone has to do it. If someone even just dusted a counter for me, I would be happy for days. (And appreciative!) That shows so much caring.

    And yeah, the more of a mess thing, that would just piss me off. Also very appreciative and feel cared for if someone appreciates that real life comes first in D/s. Also, if they help in any way and extending deadlines (when needed) is a good example above, I feel very appreciated and appreciate that in return.

    I don't get receiving gifts and physical touch. I don't understand these. I am probably mostly incompatible. I just don't think to do these for anybody and not doing this for me doesn't bother me.
    Posted 02-19-2019 at 10:42 AM by LitDarkness LitDarkness is offline
    Updated 02-19-2019 at 10:48 AM by LitDarkness
  5. Old Comment
    Faithfullyyours's Avatar
    This is something I've been deeply into since 2000 when Gary Chapman's books was assigned to me in Psychology of Relationships. I find while being aware of your own love language is useful, it is far more necessary in a relationship to be able to recognize the expression of your partner's love language toward you. We tend to show love how we need fo receive love. If we recognize the way our partner is expressing love then we do two things simultaneously:
    #1 we identify how they prefer to be loved.
    #2 we already hit *affirmation* in the process.

    Upon second thought, this may be one more way that my mind leans slave hearted submissive (thank you Graham for the term. Love it! Has now replaced my asterisk)... that it's more important to me that my partner see/hear my love than that they speak love to me. If they see/hear my love, then I know I'm loved *appropriate*
    Posted 02-19-2019 at 10:43 AM by Faithfullyyours Faithfullyyours is offline
    Updated 02-19-2019 at 10:46 AM by Faithfullyyours
  6. Old Comment
    Point0fView's Avatar
    Super insightful post. As someone who lives and breathes communication Id have to pick quality time with a touch of affirmation. Canceling plans is like the biggest pet peeve possible cause well making plans is a 2 way street you both cancel all your plans and book that time to hang out with them except they didn’t at all and ended up doing something else and now you’re stuck doing nothing lol. That being said when it does pan out it’s the best you can talk laugh make love. It’s like when you were a kid and you talked to your dog whenever you were sad except a million times better. Going along with that affirmation means more than any gift in the world. There’s a lot of nuances in the English language and praise is something that’s really earned so when you get that it’s a big achievement that lightens up my day. It’s nice to be appreciated. It’s also one of the key things I try and do. If you make your bed and you don’t normally I’ll congratulate you. Good job doing a good thing keep it up. If you cook something and try some new spices and it tastes amazing. Boom amazing job this tastes great!
    Posted 02-19-2019 at 02:42 PM by Point0fView Point0fView is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Faithfullyyours's Avatar
    Butterfly,
    Have you ever researched the TYPES of love? There are 7. It may be a positive thing for you to do.

    ~ Faith
    Posted 02-19-2019 at 03:38 PM by Faithfullyyours Faithfullyyours is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    This is a very insightful blog Miss, thank you for writing it. February is certainly the perfect month for it!

    I love reading your blogs and I love that you write so many good ones lately!
    Posted 02-20-2019 at 09:07 AM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    @Bluefox - Knowing that those are your love languages can help you meet those needs in future relationships. Maybe it is part of the reason why past relationships didn't work? It is also good to be aware of your partners love language so that you can make an effort to meet their needs. But sometimes you are right, it just isn't the right match

    @MastersVoice - I am glad you enjoyed and that it was something new for you to think about.

    @Heart - I actually started to look into this topic because of you!

    @LitDarkness - It's really hard for us to think about things that don't mean a lot to us, so it makes sense that if those things don't hold any significance, that it is a struggle to do those things for other people. We are all so different.

    @Pointofview - I agree that praise and words can mean so much! As a person who didn't receive a lot of that growing up, and somebody who is VERY intent on good communication, those words can mean the world to me!
    Posted 03-06-2019 at 10:28 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
 

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