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Ennui: A Free Write

Posted 04-19-2019 at 06:26 PM by Komodo Jones

I haven't posted in my blog in a while and after reading over some of my previous entries I just feel compelled to write with no direction or topic just let my fingers type and see where it goes. Ennui is a French word which is a synonym for boredom; something I tend to experience a lot, especially as of late. I talk to people on kik, mainly confined to three people, what was once four people, but I that fourth person i realize now why clinginess can be utterly annoying sometimes. However, I do cling to these friends myself as I need all the friends I can get right now. The week of February 12-15th was the worst week of my entire life and I still deal with the ramifications of it. To make things short my mom was diagnosed with a malignant mole that was cancerous, I hate Valentine's Day with a passion and breaking friendships you've had since elementary school is emotionally taxing.

This break had been on my mind for a while. With a person who was once my friend, had become undermining, abusive, inconsiderate, isolating and a whole lot of other terms. When we worked together he was always blaming me for the problems when we was being hypocritical doing the same thing. And why was it always my fault? I rarely did anything. It's like after he got back from the Navy he had changed. The tipping point may seem a little over the top but I have clinical depression and my mind doesn't always work the way a normal person's does. Basically he had been hanging out with a mutual friend without letting me know. Fine i'm ok with this. Friends need time to be alone especially when two thirds of the trio of friend can talk about anime and the third person has no interest and cannot contribute to the conversation. The problem occurs when this happens multiple times, and he never took the time to hang out with me individually. It made me feel useless, damaging my already self worth. That Friday I blocked his number, unfriended him on Facebook and decided to break ties with him and figured it would be better for me emotionally in the long run.

I'm not so sure anymore as my feeling of loneliness are more aggressive than ever. And I'm sure some of that stems from the fact that since February I haven't hung out with anybody just to kick back and relax. Sure Internet friends are great, but it can't really help fill the void with face-to-face interaction. And if you're wondering about the other friend I mentioned, I see him at work but that's about it. But these feeling of loneliness while they ebb in and out they do get really bad sometimes.

Last Thursday, not yesterday but the one before I had a complete mental breakdown at work, not emotional but mental. I was at work but I was just going through actions and I had a headache that lasted all day. Friday, I pronounced myself dead, I was just a shell going through the actions again I had no life in me. I ran scenario after scenario through my head and had convinced myself that my existence was an unforgivable sin. I would never act on these thoughts. I have been to the darkness that those feelings can lead to and I never want to go back there again.

So with what I just said, I ask myself why am I looking for a Domme? I just said that online friends cannot fill the void of actual human interaction. I honestly don't know. Do I still want one...well yeah. But I don't know whatever. My entries are usually laced with depression and I guess this one is no different. But writing is kind of a catharsis for me so just trying to get through things. I hope to become a little more active on this site now. However, you'll never see me in the chats for reasons that are my own, but I may answer a truth or two and may blog about something more "brightening" next time. If you took the time to read this, thanks.
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  1. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    I am sorry to hear about your mom. I am also sorry to hear about the toxic friendship but you are so brave for being able to break up with a person like that.

    I hope that things start to look up for you.
    Posted 04-21-2019 at 05:03 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
 

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