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The Softer Side of Domming

Posted 10-13-2022 at 01:33 PM by IceMaiden

What image comes to your mind when you think of a dominant? Perhaps it is someone barking orders, or spanking their submissive, or demanding service and use 24/7. Perhaps it is teasing (or terrorizing) their submissive all day, every day. I bet the image you conjure in your mind isn't one that includes the dominant giving a bedtime or tucking their submissive in bed. I don't think it's one that shows the dominant asking if their submissive has eaten or exercised, either.

You might even get a few people who scoff and are adamant that this isn't dominance and a dominant should always be severe and strict. Yet, is this any less dominant? Is it not dominant when your Dom tells you to eat? Or when he sends you to bed? How about when he checks you're taking your medication, exercising to keep healthy and keeping on top of basic self care?

Perhaps, some people think this falls under a daddy-type dom? But does it really? Do you have to enjoy the ddlg type of play/relationship to make sure your submissive is practicing self care? Personally, I don't think it is mutually exclusive - although I do think daddy-type doms are usually stricter with this aspect of rules and stipulations. Of course, I have only ever personally interacted with one who identifies this way and the rest are from a bystander's viewpoint, so my perception could be wrong.

More than once, I have seen someone scoff at a dominant when they have enforced a bedtime, or picked out a meal or set a 30-minute exercise rule. How can that be bdsm? It isn't sexual. It isn't horny. it doesn't get me off! I try to educate these people that bdsm is about SO.MUCH.MORE. than that, but I am not always successful in changing their minds. And that's fine, I'm not in a relationship with them so as long as they are not hurting anyone, honestly; I don't care.

My own view is that this IS dominance. It IS (or at least can be) part of a BDSM relationship. Why? Well, if anyone other than AM told me when to go to bed, they'd be told to go and fuck themselves. (And thinking back, that was the first ever order he gave me. I should have seen a bedtime coming once we established our roles and relationship.) Anyone else tried to choose my food? Yeah, I'd probably starve myself just to be defiant about it and prove a point. That point being, I can choose my own food I am not a baby! But when AM does it? (Which I admit, given my past with eating disorders is extremely rare and very well thought out) It makes me feel cared for and I don't mind it as much. I may not feel like whatever he chooses, but will still eat it and isn't that submission?

Honestly, I don't know where this blog is going except to say that while some people think being 'soft' is lack of dominance, for me I find it is the complete opposite and when it is from my Dominant, I welcome it. (Well...99% of the time. )
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  1. Old Comment
    pluky's Avatar
    Personally I'm a bit wary of the self-care and life style aspects, because most things and relationships end one day, if you get used to someone else having control over the vital things of your life, it might be hard to do them after it's over, not only to find the motivation, but also things that you have to keep doing on your own might remind you of the Dom. (that's besides your point, just wanted to say it)

    Apart from this aspect, yes caring and monitoring things totally doesn't go against being dominating, I agree.

    I think some people are naturally dominating (like me, despite being mostly a sub) and others kind of have to learn how to do it. In the second case it can be tricky for those people to feel like they are on top of the situation while showing a soft side, because being on top doesn't come naturally to them, they have to act it out, they have an image in their mind (kinda what you described at the start) of what it's like instead of just having it in them. That's my guess. It requires some natural confidence and dominant personality to be able to inspire that kind of control while being soft.
    Posted 10-13-2022 at 11:28 PM by pluky pluky is offline
  2. Old Comment
    StrawDog's Avatar
    It takes security to be tender. What makes intense play so rewarding, or even bearable, in some cases, is the trust and connection to go to those places, and to stay grounded if/when things go wrong or get harder. Generally that forms in the quieter moments, or with daily, repeated things that seem unimportant until one realises they are not. As you say, I wouldn't dream of telling you to go to bed, no matter how much I care for your health and wellbeing. It's all in the dynamic, and in choosing to move toward growth. Great blog, as always.
    Posted 10-20-2022 at 11:54 AM by StrawDog StrawDog is offline
 

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