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Babbling Butterfly

Posted 04-10-2019 at 08:16 PM by Butterfly

Usually I think of the title of my blog before I start to write. They usually come to me pretty easily, but this time ... well I don't know what I am even going to write ...

I guess I will just start writing and see where it leads ...

It has been a week since I was "released" from the care of Dr. Dom. Honestly, I have been feeling kind of lost. It has been an emotional roller coaster. One second I feel sad. Sad for him, sad for me ... I feel empty. But then I feel angry. I still can't believe that I waited so long, let myself be vulnerable and fall for somebody so quickly, and that he was so easily able to just drop me, when I have struggled through, heart aching because I miss him. And then of course comes the guilt. I feel bad knowing that he is struggling with his own things and I am making it about me.

LittleMissSass is amazing and has been super fantastic. I love her dearly and we are leaning on each other for support. She really is such a wonderful person. I am so glad I got to meet her.

So anyways ... I think I am starting to heal. Keeping busy makes it easier not to think about. I have jumped right back in, hoping to find the right Dom for me. So if you know of any great Doms, please send them my way!

I have also taken a few steps to try and get my feet wet in my local kink community again. However, I find I struggle because although I love being around "my" people, meeting new people is sooo hard. But I am willing to give it a try again.

I have also started the Butterfly Brat Academy and am looking forward to seeing how that goes.

Outside of online, needles are getting easier, although also increasing. I am poking myself about 14 times a day, but I am getting into a routine. I also went the entire month of March without any kind of chocolate, treats or dessert. I am very proud since I had a lot of temptation but I did it.

Also, Mr. Devious and I went to a fertility specialist last week. Once I get my blood sugar levels in control, we will be taking steps to help us conceive. I am really hoping that we can be successful, but I am feeling good at least knowing that we have a plan in place.

This week I am really struggling ... I am in charge of helping to plan a baby shower for one of my best friends. I am very happy for her and want to be supportive, but it is also hard when I am not able to get pregnant myself. This makes me feel selfish which makes me feel like an awful friend and its a downward spiral from there. It is making my anxiety higher than normal this week as well.

I also have been feeling ill because of the medication I am taking to help me get ready for fertility treatments. I am grouchy, and nauseous and tired.

I am so glad that the weather is finally starting to feel nice. I have worn sandals at least 5 times this year so far. I know that makes Jaro pretty happy.

Speaking of Jaro, we are less than 4 months until he touches down in Canada. I am really excited but also a bit nervous. I have so many devious ideas floating around in my head. One of which is showing up at the airport with a sign that read "Mr. Worm". I also rsvp'd to a play party for us to attend. It is going to be a lot of fun.

My collection of casual play partners seems to be growing these days. It seems I am a bossy butterfly, and I really enjoy it. I am so blessed to have these amazing play partners in my life. Although my heart really does yearn to be submissive for the right person.

Anyways ... I have babbled on long enough ... hmmm maybe that will be the title of this blog ...
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  1. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    I'm glad you are getting so much support from LittleMissSass.

    Of course I wish you the best of luck with getting pregnant. I want nothing more for you and wanting a baby for yourself isn't selfish, it's natural. You will make such a great mom I'm sure of it!

    Yay for flip flops! I can't wait to see them and the beautiful feet that occupy them!
    Posted 04-10-2019 at 10:02 PM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Stopclick's Avatar
    Awch butterfly, you have so much on your plate. It must be really tiring.

    It sounds like you are really feeling the loss of the relationship and dynamic though, and that's exactly what to do - let yourself feel it. It needs to be mourned. Afterall, the only way to get off the roller-coaster is to continue riding the ride. I wouldn't feel bad about making it about you. This is just part of the process, and feeling anger is totally natural and to be expected.

    With local kink, in my experience, my first few times I was quite concerned with people liking me, and netting myself a fancy lady *eyebrows eyebrows*. But I think I should have just totally focused on getting myself comfortable with the environment, the faces, the voices. I think some regularity with it would have helped (he says, having not attended his local munch in two months) . But yeah, at least at my local munch I think there's quite a few people who only come for one or two munches ever and then leave. I have no doubt that you will dazzle them with your charm once you get comfortable.

    But honestly, it sounds like you're doing all the right things (letting yourself feel the feels!), just gotta ride this suck out and focus on the things that you appreciate in the moment. You got this.
    Posted 04-11-2019 at 02:30 AM by Stopclick Stopclick is offline
    Updated 04-11-2019 at 02:34 AM by Stopclick
  3. Old Comment
    LitDarkness's Avatar
    I'm glad you do have support. And having feelings of your own isn't selfish.it is completely normal for something that can be a reminder to make you sad.

    I do hope you end up getting pregnant and like Jaro wish you luck with it.

    And for the other stuff, it takes time go heal and take all the time you need.
    Posted 04-11-2019 at 06:13 AM by LitDarkness LitDarkness is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Consensus's Avatar
    Sorry, I just wanted to say how lovely it was to read your blog. Thank you for sharing as you do and I hope that your anticipation for events in the future - pregnancy(?) and Jaro's visit - match, is lower than the reality provides.

    Posted 04-12-2019 at 03:05 PM by Consensus Consensus is offline

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