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Free(from a)dom

Posted 03-22-2019 at 04:41 PM by PrincessJessica
Updated 03-22-2019 at 04:49 PM by PrincessJessica
Tags free, slave

Free(from a)dom

Freedom sucks. We fight wars to get it yet the only thing I now long for is to have it taken away. I hate it. As I regain my right to orgasm I also lose my Mistress; Sexyred. It’s hit me quite hard as it’s the longest relationship I’ve had (no girlfriends or boyfriends) and it feels like losing a piece of myself. It hurts. So much.

18 months ago I excitedly replied to Sexyred’s advertisement. I was nervous as my first sub/dom relationship was a disaster and wasn’t even actively looking. Yet the ad offered something I was definitely needing, a more understanding form of domination where trust was built up rather than assumed. A friendship on top of domination but still with enough sadistic thinking to get my cock dripping (I’m back to having a cock rather than dicklet yay).

It really suited me as I dived deeper into feminisation (I’m no longer the “maleforyou” but a pretty little Princess) and even found the confidence to start a toy/girly clothing collection. The long denial was unexpected, a vague interest that soon festered into a major kink for me (although I’d still say I’m more accident prone than I want to be). I went further than I thought possible when originally replying as I found a new kink-confidence. Someone who was not just OK with my dark desires but encouraged them and occasionally twisted them for her amusement.

Sadly, circumstances beyond either of our control, have dictated that this is the end of the road. From excitement about further denial to my world being ripped out from under me. It hurt. I fully understand why it has to end but it makes it no easier and I’ve spent quite a lot of this week crying (and am fighting back the tears writing this). The upheaval itself was upsetting enough but also caused an avalanche of other dark feelings to flood down reaching far beyond my slavery (and far beyond this blog as it's hard enough to write already!). I’ll miss the teasing, the structure the rules provided (from sensible bedtimes to feminisation rules) but most of all I’ll miss my Mistress. I trusted her implicitly and, after 1 terrible dom/sub introduction that was a major thing for me; being able to share my face, voice and, well myself, foibles and all.

It does feel like losing part of my identity, from “owned slave” sure of what I needed to do to an unnerving amount of freedom that I’m not sure what to do with (as soon as I stop being upset that is). Being a slave has taken up a fair amount of my limited energy and this weeks bombshell has caused me to ask some hard questions about what I want in life. I loved being dominated, having new kinks explored and the relationship between sub and dom. After a short break it’s very likely I’ll try to get back and start the long search for a dominant (likely femdom) that I can trust although maybe in a less all-encompassing way (even if it's what I want). For now, I’ll take the time to mend (and take advantage of my new right to orgasm, although ironically it’s the last thing I really feel like right now)

There’s likely plenty more I should say. I was in two minds whether I should say anything at all though as the last thing I want to do is upset Sexyred. We ended on good terms and I hope to remain friends in the future. However, keeping it to myself has been driving me crazy. I’ve been upset all week and not been able to really talk to my family about why I’m so bad. I needed to let it out somewhere. I’m glad for the journey I’ve been on and the amazing Mistress that helped me along the way. It doesn't make me any less nervous about my kink future though. It’s something I want to keep in my life as it's a real distraction from my illness & something I really enjoy. I'll take some time to figure out what I want (I simultaneously want to be owned right now but also can't begin to imagine finding a different person to do that). For now though, I need cheering up before bed so time for Youtube trawling

(Sexyred - if/when you read this please don’t feel bad or guilty. Your amazing and we both know it’s the right decision. I’ve loved being your slave as I hope you’ve enjoyed being my Mistress. I think large parts of your domination will stick with me for a while yet; even I'm not your panty wearing silly denied little Princess)
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Total Comments 3

Comments

  1. Old Comment
    LitDarkness's Avatar
    I'm sorry you guys had to split. But, you did end on good terms which is good. Things get better with time. Right now, please take the time for yourself if you need it.

    Also, you don't have to orgasm if you don't want to.

    Enjoy YouTube and wish you the funniest videos.
    Posted 03-22-2019 at 05:13 PM by LitDarkness LitDarkness is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    I am so sorry that things had to end. I am glad you were able to do on friendly terms. Even though you know it is logically the right decision, it doesn't make it any easier at all!

    I am here if you need somebody to chat with. I also wrote a blog not long ago about helping with the end of relationships, though I don't know if you will find it helpful at all in this situation.

    Big hugs friend.
    Posted 03-22-2019 at 05:46 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  3. Old Comment
    PrincessJessica's Avatar
    Thanks for the kind words you two (plus others in private). I'm less raw & emotional about it this week so I think time will be the almighty healer. Although I'm already itching to write an ad & start my search I'm forcing myself to take the time to really think what I want (plus really get over it properly). Thanks for the blog Butterfly, I read it at the time but didn't really think I'd be making use of it so quickly.

    Quote:
    Also, you don't have to orgasm if you don't want to.
    Hehe but I do! However, events seem to be conspiring against me. I had a cold, then split from Sexyred and now feel like I've got another cold today (which was my planned orgasm day but I just feel too yucky). Sexyred may not be denying me but the universe is conspiring against me for a bit longer (after all this time I want at least the first to be special).
    Posted 03-27-2019 at 09:32 AM by PrincessJessica PrincessJessica is offline
 

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