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Why I need two Doms

Posted 02-17-2019 at 08:00 AM by Butterfly

I feel like recently I have been judged a little bit about my decision to search for a co-dom.

First of all, I want to say that yes, I have a husband. A wonderful, amazing husband who I love dearly. We met on getDare almost 5 years ago. We met when he responded to my ad looking for a Dom.

He absolutely blew me away. For the first time ever, I didn't get burnt out in my submission. Not only did he open a whole new world of kink for me, but he also captured my heart.

After a year of visiting each other back and forth across the country, I took the plunge and moved here to be with him.

Being 40 hours away from my family, friends and entire life was hard. Looking for a new job, being isolate, trying to find a place to fit here, as well as learning to live with somebody who I had only spend 4 weeks max in person with was a huge adjustment. Our D/s relationship changed drastically.

We put things on hold while we adjusted to living together. We still had very fun kinky fun times in the bedroom, but we had minimal or no rules most of the time.

Life got even busier when Mr. Devious proposed. Planning a wedding was stressful, renovations to our house was draining, working full time while doing all this was exhausting. Although we still dedicated time to playing on the weekend, during the week Netflix (without the chill) was much more appealing.

But you see ... when I am stressed, or life is busy, I crave submissions. I need to give over the control to somebody to keep me sane. I need to be pushed. I need to try new things. Sub space, or little space are part of my self care. Being "broken" in a limit pushing play session is a coping mechanism for me.

Reason 1: To keep Mr. Devious and I motivated and on track.

Having another play partner is a great way to keep us motivated. It is easy for us to put off play time and instead just watch a movie and curl up on the couch. But having somebody else to ask about rules, to report to about tasks, having somebody to be accountable to, is very helpful.

Reason 2: Inspiration

There is a stereotype that once you are married, your sex life goes downhill. I am not saying this is true, but you do get into routines and those can sometimes be less than stellar. I have almost 100 different toys, yet when we play, we seem to focus on the same handful of toys. This isn't a bad thing, I love the toys we use, but I also love trying new things. Having a third person enter our dynamic gives us new ideas, inspiration to try things in a new way.

Reason 3: Strictness & Pushing Limits

Mr. Devious loves me soooo much that he can sometimes have a hard time pushing me to do things that may cause me pain, or potentially make me unhappy. He doesn't want to see me hurt. He doesn't want to see my upset. Also, my cuteness has a major effect on him. If I bat my eyes, and use my adorable voice, he can't deny me. I really am his princess. This works out great for me, but when it comes to being strict about rules and tasks, it can post a problem. And if I know I can get my way, then it is very easy to just not follow a rule, or let a task fall through the cracks.

Am I being selfish looking for a second Dom?

I have been told I am, but I don't think I am.

Yes, I have an amazing husband, he is an amazing play partner, an amazing Top/Dom/Daddy to me. However, my subby needs are not being fully met. Just like Mr. Devious has another sub to fulfill his Dommy needs, I decided to search for another play partner. I don't think that is selfish, I think it is smart. I have identified my needs, talked it out with my partner and found a solution.

It hasn't been an easy road. I have struggled to find somebody to fulfill those needs. Mr. Devious has been wonderfully supportive and we have managed to maintain our kinky/D/s relationship as best we can on our own, but I have still been holding out hope that one day we could find somebody who would fit.

Am I cheating on Mr. Devious by looking for a second Dom?

No! Mr. Devious and I have talked a lot about this decision. We are very open about our limits and expectations when playing with others. It isn't just a one time conversation, but something that we continue to discuss as we go. If either of us ever gets uncomfortable with something, we work it out together and find a solution.

So .... I hope this helps to answer a question. I know it won't stop all the whispers and judging, but I hope it at least sheds some light on the subject.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    No worries, comrade. I never judged you. Seeing the explanations, they make a lot of sense.
    My only concern is that you find the right co-Dom. But, you seem to be pretty good at reading people and avoiding the bad ones, so this concern is probably not needed.
    Posted 02-17-2019 at 08:27 AM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  2. Old Comment
    LitDarkness's Avatar
    I honestly don't see the problem. You and Mr.Devious both know you are doing this. You aren't cheating on him, he knows about you searching for a co-dom and from what I seen is involved in helping you search. (People who are being cheated on don't help you cheat.)

    There will always be people who judge. If those people weren't judging this, they would judge you on something else.

    No one has to be polyamorous but monogamy is not the end all-be all option. No one is forcing them to be your Dom so I don't see the problem.
    Posted 02-17-2019 at 10:29 AM by LitDarkness LitDarkness is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by LitDarkness View Comment
    I honestly don't see the problem. You and Mr.Devious both know you are doing this. You aren't cheating on him, he knows about you searching for a co-dom and from what I seen is involved in helping you search. (People who are being cheated on don't help you cheat.)

    There will always be people who judge. If those people weren't judging this, they would judge you on something else.

    No one has to be polyamorous but monogamy is not the end all-be all option. No one is forcing them to be your Dom so I don't see the problem.
    Thank you for your kind words. I don't see the problem either, but it seems to happen either way. You are right though, I think it would happen no matter what.
    Posted 02-17-2019 at 10:44 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  4. Old Comment
    MastersVoice's Avatar
    I don't really understand who would have any problems with what someone else does in their own life that isn't hurting anyone else.

    The fact you have a marriage where you can speak openly about your needs and conclude an outcome that you are both satisfied with sounds like a very adult and sane way to deal with matters.

    It's those who can't communicate and repress any thoughts or feelings that they have in order to live the 'perfect life' who are the miserable ones and not content with their relationships.

    You're happy and Mr. D is happy, that will be all.
    Posted 02-17-2019 at 01:39 PM by MastersVoice MastersVoice is online now
  5. Old Comment
    useme871's Avatar
    Nothing wrong with having choices and nothing wrong with bring in an accountability partner for the dom or the sub or both. Someone to help make sure those punishments are fully delivered/received. There are times a D/s relationship evolves- like yours, and you want to keep the D/s but outside intervention is needed. Good job for knowing what you need and researching the best solution!
    Posted 02-17-2019 at 01:54 PM by useme871 useme871 is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Thank you all for the wonderful comments and support.
    Posted 02-17-2019 at 02:55 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  7. Old Comment
    IceMaiden's Avatar
    A lot of people will always judge others if they don't agree with the way you are running your life. As long as you and Mr.D are happy, communicating and on the same path then that is all that matters and some people should really try and focus on their own lives instead of meddling in other lives that are no concern of theirs!
    Posted 02-18-2019 at 12:04 PM by IceMaiden IceMaiden is offline
 

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