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300th Blog: How getDare and BDSM have changed me as a person

Posted 05-31-2018 at 10:28 AM by Butterfly
Updated 06-22-2018 at 07:25 PM by Butterfly

As I was approaching this blog, my 300th!!!!, I decided to make a thread asking for topic suggestions.

Thanks to slutpuppy, hiruzen_takaski and edgeandenial, I have decided to write about how I have changed personally since joining getDare, and more specifically, how BDSM and getDare has helped me with my anxiety (I am going to focus on my mental health in general).

Thank you to everybody else who has posted topic ideas. I have recorded them all and will hopefully be able to write on those topics soon!

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How getDare has changed me personally

I have written a few blogs about my journey and how much I have changed over the last 4 years. I enjoy reflecting back on who I was when I first joined getDare. It is hard to believe how much I have changed.

When I first found getDare, I was very innocent. I was shy and hid a lot. I couldn't say most dirty words out loud. I didn't like to talk about sex with people, and I could barely admit to myself what my fantasy's were.

Although getDare and BDSM in general have helped me with personal growth, I do have to credit a lot of it to a certain Mr. Devious as well as a bunch of others on getDare.

Mr. Devious used to make me say things that would make me so blushy that my voice would shake. He would make me watch a porn clip and describe it to him. He would have me record myself talking dirty to him. He encouraged me to write blogs with reports and my feelings which really helped me open up (he may be regretting that now :P).

I also used to consider myself broken. I was not confident at all, I had poor self esteem, I talked down about myself a LOT and I was generally a pessimist most of the time. I had been hurt way too many times to count. I also had a lot of triggers from past trauma.

Of course, Mr. Devious and his love for me played a HUGE roll in "fixing" me, but so did getDare and BDSM in general.

When I first started on getDare, it made me sick to my stomach to post a blog. I love writing, but to share that with the world was HARD! However, I received so much encouragement, support and love from other people through comments and messages, that it really gave me a push to continue. The same sort of happened with photos. At first it was just sharing photos with Mr. Devious. Even something small like a cleavage shot, or a picture of my feet was tough, but over time, as his words of praise and appreciation started to sink in, I got brave enough to share those parts of me with other close friends. Sure, there were still some negative comments at times, but most people were so thrilled to see those parts of me.

Skip ahead to now, and I have over 100 photos of myself in my getDare album, and even some more revealing ones on kink talk. I still struggle with my body. I don't like to be naked, and nobody has ever seen a full naked photo of me, but it is SO much better.

I am so much better at receiving compliments. I don't run away when told I am beautiful, or sexy. I still may not always believe it to be true or genuine, but it is easier to process.

A lot of my triggers have lessened as well. When I hear the word c**t, I don't feel like crying. I have been able to receive spankings and give spankings without flashbacks to abuse. I can hear somebody be called "baby" and not feel the hands of my sexual assaulter on my neck.

BDSM has also helped provide me with structure and an outlet for when I am really stressed out, anxious and needing an outlet.


How BDSM and getDare have helped me with my mental health

I mentioned earlier that I felt as though I was broken. When I first joined getDare, I was in a (non consensual) controlling relationship. I was very unhappy and actually cried multiple times a day.

Meeting Mr. Devious gave me the strength to leave that relationship. His friendship and support was enough to convince me that I did deserve better than what I was receiving from my partner.

However, after I left, I was broken. It is not a secret that I used to self harm. I have been pretty open with that in the hopes to inspire and help others to seek help. It was something that I was really struggling with at the time that I started getting active on getDare, and really started to explore BDSM.

Mr. Devious was able to give me strict rules, and play sessions to help keep me grounded and replace the need for self harm. There were times I slipped up of course, but for the most part, being able to let go of some of the responsibility and control that I held onto, was a great relief, and it was enough to not need the release of self harm.

I still struggle with urges at times, but it has been a long time since I have hurt myself in an unhealthy way. Mr. Devious will instead "break me". This means he will use pain and sexual frustration to push me to my breaking point. Where I just can't hold back the emotions and I usually end up crying at the end of the session after having to safeword.

I also have anxiety. I get stressed out, worked up and I have panic attacks. It is something I still struggle with at times, but I have seen major improvements since I have been involved in BDSM.

When Mr. Devious and I first started exploring, the thought of a surprise, or the unknown, would make me panic. Even just not knowing what I was getting for Christmas, was enough to make it hard to breathe. The thought of somebody throwing me a surprise party made me want to throw up. However, through really baby steps, Mr. Devious and I have worked on this throughout the years.

I am at a place where the thought of a surprise makes me anxiously excited. I still get a bit tense at times, but not knowing can also be fun. It brings on anticipation and excitement rather than fear and panic.

I am sure there is more that I am missing, I commonly say that getDare has changed my world. I would not be where I am today, I would not be living here, or married to this wonderful man. I would not be this happy or healthy. Mr. Devious, getDare and BDSM have changed me. They have fixed me. They have healed me.
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Total Comments 7

Comments

  1. Old Comment
    LitDarkness's Avatar
    I'm glad it helped you. And, I don't think you were broken. After everything you been through, honestly you were tougher than most people.

    That stuff is no cake walk and effects a lot of people negatively. You know what tells me, you're tough? That you didn't let it overcome you.

    You got through it, Sure, like you said, you still have your moments but, they are a lot less.

    Most people wouldn't have got far as you did.
    Posted 05-31-2018 at 10:43 AM by LitDarkness LitDarkness is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    I agree with Skills, you are very strong and I respect you so much Miss. You have been through a lot an yet you managed to persevere and choose your own happiness!

    I'm very glad getDare and Mr Devious have helped you so much. I am very glad you are now happily bombarding us with your most excellent and insightful blogs. I am happy that we have creative and active people like you as mods and I can't wait to read your next 300 blogs!!
    Posted 05-31-2018 at 10:48 AM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Lightze's Avatar
    This is... beautifully insightful. Honest. Open.

    There are gonna be a million people who will say it better than I, but-
    Butterfly, Mr.D (I am now determined to never call him by his full username.), I salute you both. (In that sorta casual, over dramatic, two finger off the brow sorta way. Pa-chow!)

    That stuff... that stuff... I read a description that likened it to being behind enemy lines, with no back up, no ammo and no food. You push through unknown terrain despite the pain and anguish, with nothing but grit and some sort of primal drive, somewhere in you, to stay alive.
    Then someone, like Mr.D hands you a stick. And you take that stick and you beat nine shades of hell outta everything in your way until you're safe.

    That's all you needed. After all the dark days, the pain to make sure you still feel, the tears... all you needed was someone to hand you a stick.

    Anyways! Keep writing, it's excellent stuff and I hope to read more! =^-^=
    Posted 05-31-2018 at 11:42 AM by Lightze Lightze is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Cstelle's Avatar
    "They have fixed me. They have healed me."

    Yes. And now you are forwarding that same grace to others.

    What gratefulness you feel, be assured, that same gratefulness is felt by those who meet you. Only - you are only one, and we are hundreds, or thousands - so through you that grace is multiplied.

    'k?

    No pressure, though. Just be perfect.
    Posted 05-31-2018 at 11:46 AM by Cstelle Cstelle is offline
  5. Old Comment
    MarvHarvey's Avatar
    I was going to quote part of what Cstelle wrote, but I think it is all worth re-reading.
    Especially:
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Cstelle View Comment
    And now you are forwarding that same grace to others.
    In fact I don't think you were really broken, you were just so worn down that you thought so. And so with a bit of a pick-me-up to get across that line, you came roaring back to being yourself and to being such a powerful helpmate for so many people.

    All I would say is to remember to look after yourself first, for without that you cannot do so much for so many. / Marv
    Posted 05-31-2018 at 01:18 PM by MarvHarvey MarvHarvey is offline
  6. Old Comment
    ReluctantExhibition's Avatar
    Hi butterfly!

    I know we do not know each other very well (outside of the occasional interaction in the BDSM exchange chat), but I wanted to say that I noticed this blog post on the recent activity feed, and I'm really hapy to read this.

    I can't imagine what you have went through in the past, and I don't intend to pry where it isn't my place. However, mental health is an extremely important topic to me (as close friends, family, and myself have all had varying degrees of mental health suffering), and to hear that a community did so much for you and your progress in this never-ending battle brings a joyful tear to my eye.

    I'm also so happy you have such a wonderful support system through this community (and from what it sounds like, especially Mr. Devious), and I hope you continue to make progress in order to live the best life you possibly can! I guess to make a long story short: I'm glad to hear a success story from an nontraditional medium, and that some internet stranger is rooting for you! *waves little flags saying "go team butterfly!"*
    Posted 06-01-2018 at 07:45 AM by ReluctantExhibition ReluctantExhibition is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    @LitDarkness - Thank you. It is good to remind myself that I couldn't have made it through everything that I have if I wasn't strong. And it has all made me stronger still. I didn't let it "break" me, but I do acknowledge that I needed help to rebuild. Maybe that is a better way to put it.

    @Jaro - Thank you too! If I have learned anything in my life it truly is that we choose our own happiness. Nobody else can do it for us. I am happy to be here! Another 300? Haven't I posted enough? I was thinking I should probably retire now :P

    @Lightze - I am ever so grateful for Mr. D handing me that stick. I have no doubt I would be a different person in a different place if it weren't for him. Thank you for reading.

    @Cstelle - Haha ... no pressure :P But seriously I don't feel as though I return the favor to others nearly enough.

    @Marv - Thank you! You know, I give that advice to others all the time, yet it is so hard for me to take that advice and put it into action for myself. I really do appreciate you reminding me.

    @ReluctantExhibition - You are very sweet. Thank you very much for your comment. I am so grateful for all the internet strangers who have become friends, and the ones who have stayed on the sidelines and just cheered me on from afar. They have all made a huge difference to me.
    Posted 06-12-2018 at 07:52 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
 

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