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This Denial's Ruining Me

Posted 05-10-2018 at 07:53 AM by maleforyou
Updated 05-10-2018 at 08:31 AM by maleforyou

Ah, a frustrating little subby day today as I once again made an appearance on Chaturbate. A slow show was just picking up when I just lost concentration and accidentally ruined yet again. After 6 months with just 1 orgasm and a near clockwork monthly ruin, you'd think I'd be used to that horribly unsatisfying drip of accidental cum but the mental drain of forcing myself to ruin had a much larger effect than I imagined. They're fully allowed in my denial (thankfully as it's going to last over a year ) but, even without self-imposed guilt this time, all I wanted to do is cry, curl up in a corner and ignore the world. It was truly horrible mental torture! However it is mental torture I can find long-term pleasure in, not least from (hopefully) pleasing sexyred.

Before the show started today I was at a bit of a low ebb. I've had a week or two of feeling exhausted and a little depressed which makes finding the motivation to do things as well as concentrating on them (like edging without ruining as it turns out ) far trickier than normal. However I've found unleashing my kink side, even when I don't feel like it, does level my mood back out. Feeling stuck between not playing, yet feeling unhappy, or playing, but risking a ruin, I opted for a long play session to try to forget about my troubles and promised myself that if I did ruin (and a week or so of feeling "down" had come before all my other ruins so I knew there was a real chance) I wouldn't feel guilty...especially as sexyred told me to stop being so silly

So the show started with yet another striptease. However, things just didn't really click as the audience drifted in and out remaining almost silent throughout. A few spanks and edges as I completed tasks for my various adding threads kept me occupied and happy enough though (but not quite as into it as normal). Finally, the show picked up with some more audience participation that my needy exhibitionist brain craves. I started to get into it more with more intense spanking and edging until one edge too many resulted in going past the point of no return. It seems as my brain wrestles with its inner demons it's got less capacity left to control my dicklet ugh. Removing my hands to see my wonderous cum be put to such poor use took all of my willpower.

The next part took me by surprise. At long last, I didn't feel guilty! Previous ruins have had such a huge effect on me to a point that after the last one I spent the following day either crying or on the edge of tears. I didn't really understand why either, the guilt was bad but surely not enough to upset me that much. I was so embarrassed by that I didn't really tell sexyred just how profoundly it affected me (partly as I didn't really believe it was just a ruin that affected me so much).

So was a guilt-free ruin any better? No. I felt truly terrible again desperate to cry but with no real reason to. I didn't really feel super desperate to orgasm, I do (really!!!) miss them obviously but am still loving my denial. That horny frustration and the feeling of giving up that joyous ecstasy to please my Mistress is intoxicating. It's hard to articulate why giving up something can cause pleasure but there's something about that humiliation of being forced to forgo something super enjoyable that tickles my inner masochist like nothing else. I had hoped that giving myself permission to ruin freely would entirely rid myself of the huge down but I was (really!!!) wrong. Even my inner masochist doesn't like this mental torture!

With each play session that goes wrong I feel I learn something important; this time I think I've learnt that "free ruins", even when guilt-free and allowed, come at a price. A huge crashing wave of depression. Not necessarily because I'm consciously upset about things but the mental drain to give up something joyful is exactly that - a drain.

However, I'm (broadly speaking) OK with that. A day later I'm happy to report, although feeling a little more emotionally sensitive than usual, I haven't cried once lol. I'm trying to kink my way through the little mental pain I do feel (albeit without getting my dicklet too involved lol). The first half of this year I've really been far happier than in a few years, largely due to having my submissive muscles tickled and teased. I feel generally more content and complete somehow. It's not a depression cure, I still have my off days, but it does help make me feel happier over a long period. If the price of that, for me anyway, is an occasional off day when I have an accidental ruin that's a price I'm very willing to pay!

Written while cross-dressed and painting my nails. Also eek that was a hard write, sorry if it's a little waffly.
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Total Comments 3

Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Matt:'s Avatar
    Nice report I know what you mean about being down after ruins, I always get down if I ruin while denied, and can take me a while to get over it. Fortunately, I don't have a ruin when denied very often, but then I worry if I'm really edging properly, or if I'm stopping too early, before I am fully on "edge". Obviously the more "on edge" you are, the more likely you are to go over the edge.... It's a difficult line to judge.
    Posted 05-11-2018 at 06:36 AM by Matt: Matt: is offline
    Updated 05-11-2018 at 10:29 AM by Matt:
  2. Old Comment
    Pariahterror's Avatar
    Puppy only ruined once during his denial and wouldn't want it to happen again. You probably noticed how I was after the ruin.

    It also has changed me a bit. The whole experience made me feel even more submissive. Puppy does love the feeling of being denied too, but would like to feel released as well.
    Posted 05-11-2018 at 10:17 AM by Pariahterror Pariahterror is online now
  3. Old Comment
    maleforyou's Avatar
    Thanks, both for letting me know my struggles and feelings after ruins aren't just me being silly and other people share them. As I've not done long-term denial very much getting used to how that line changes on certain days or with more pre-play is something I'm really struggling to learn.

    Ruins are genuinely the thing I hate most of my denial (far far more than the denial itself and any frustration that comes with it). I'll get better hopefully...
    Posted 05-14-2018 at 02:41 PM by maleforyou maleforyou is offline
 

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