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My search for a co-dom!

Posted 03-27-2018 at 02:21 PM by Butterfly
Updated 03-27-2018 at 05:09 PM by Butterfly

Well, the search continues ....

Over the past year and a half I have been continuously searching for a dom in some capacity. At first, Mr. Devious and I were searching for different play partners, independent of each other. We were just at a place in our relationship where, although we had a healthy sex life, we just weren't meeting each others needs when it came to D/s. We discussed things very thoroughly and decided that we would find other play partners. Mr. Devious was successful in his search, but while I had a few trials, nothing really seemed to stick.

Of course I had responses from people who couldn't speak English (and I am not talking about people who spoke a different a language, I am referencing the people who tlk lik dis), and those who thought they were the exception to my requirements (18 year olds, or male subs who wanted me to Domme them).

I also had many responses from the almighty domly doms who thought it would be best to come out of the gate being a complete ass hat and treating me like shit, as if that is what gets my panties wet (no offense to those who like that, some people are into it, but it is not something that should be done before negotiating).

I did have a few great responses too! People who really impressed me. However, it seemed that these people didn't work out for one reason or another. Most notably, it was time zones and communication issues that prevented us from getting to a trial stage.

Still a few went to the trial stages. A few were amicably decided that we weren't a good fit afterall, but there were also a few that left me feeling pretty hurt. More than one person poofed and disappeared on me. And then one longer trial that left me feeling as though as I wasn't worth the time and effort that I had asked for (he fell asleep while I was cumming for him over audio!).

I was ready to give up my search all together.

But .. about 6 months ago, Mr. Devious and I discussed trying to rekindle our D/s relationship. We were both a bit hesitant, but we missed it so much. And there is nobody who knowS me like Mr. Devious does. We know each other so well, that during a play session we don't even have to communicate with words any more, because things just happen based on instinct and small non verbal cues.

So, we decided to give it a try and our search changed from a full time dom role to a co-dom role.

Why are we looking for a co-dom?
1. Motivation: We want somebody to help keep us on track. So often life gets in the way and we get lazy and find ourselves choosing to watch netflix for hours on end (without the chill) rather than participating in D/s. When we do have set rules, sometimes they fall by the wayside and stop being enforced.
2. Inspiration: Being together for almost 4 years now, we have tried a lot of things, but we seem to get stuck doing the same play time routine, using the same toys (even though we have hundreds) or using the same rules. This can get boring!!! We want to keep things exciting. And new people brings new ideas.
3. Pushing limits: Mr. Devious loves me dearly and I love how much he loves me. However, it means that he hates to see me sad, or hurting. And this prevents him from pushing me as far as I would sometimes like. Sometimes we need to have somebody who is a bit removed and who isn't in love with me (although you won't help but love me, cause I am adorable!)

Again, I have had a few responses, more good than bad, but nothing seems to fit.

So many people have told me that my ad is excellent, yet I don't seem to be yielding many results.

A few people have provided some criticism, but I don't know how to address them, or if I should .... I have been told that:
* My ad comes off as topping from the bottom because it should be up to my Dom to decide what I want and need.
* I have unrealistic expectations to want somebody who is willing to talk to me multiple times every day.
* I am an intimidating person because I am a mod and also well known on getDare, and because of that some people don't find me approachable or they think that I am out of their league.
* Having photos as a limit really limits the people who are willing to play with me as a sub.
* True Doms don't want to share their sub.
* I am cheating on my husband by playing with others.
* I am too vague in how the dynamic will work.

I can understand where a few of these are coming from, but at the same time, others are ridiculous. And isn't it better if I communicate the things that I want and need before starting a relationship?

Over the past few months I have reworked my original ad to keep up to date with the most important parts of what I am looking for, but maybe I should simplify it? I don't know what I can do to make it less intimidating or encourage those that may feel like responding but don't.

What I am looking for is:
*A mature male Dom
*In a timezone or with a schedule that allows them to connect with me multiple times a day. I want to have a conversation with them!
*Friends first! Co-dom second.
*Experience or an interest in learning about the DD/lg dynamic.
*Not a domly dom who feels they must be super strict and a hard ass at all times. The whole purpose of kink and sex and D/s is to have fun and be turned on!

As for how the dynamic will work, I want to discuss that with the person who responds. I would love to have them work with Mr. Devious and set rules for me and help enforce them and check in with me each day to make sure I am following them. When I don't consequences should be given out. Tasks that can be provided to me to do alone or with Mr. Devious would be fun as well. As for play times, I would love it if our co-dom would sometimes help plan play sessions for Mr. Devious and I to execute, and with time, it would be fun to have our co-dom be involved either over chat or audio. But this is all available for discussion!

I really don't think I am asking for too much! I know the dynamic in itself is a limit for some people. I understand not wanting to share, or being hesitant to join a dynamic as a third person, and I respect that. But I do hope that there is somebody out there who might want to give us a shot.

Here is my current ad: HERE

If you have ANY constructive criticism or advice, please feel free to share it! I would love to improve where possible.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Keeping my fingers crossed for you. ^.^

    And I fully understand the wanting to talk multiple times a day. That's also something I prefer... LOL
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 04:58 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ze'Rehan View Comment
    Keeping my fingers crossed for you. ^.^

    And I fully understand the wanting to talk multiple times a day. That's also something I prefer... LOL
    It doesn't even have to be D/s related, I just want to know how their day went, and talk to them!
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 05:12 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Butterfly View Comment
    It doesn't even have to be D/s related, I just want to know how their day went, and talk to them!
    Fully agreed! One of the things I'm loving about the task that PerkyGirlie gave me. We're communicating about "normal" stuff as well. ^.^
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 05:33 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ze'Rehan View Comment
    Fully agreed! One of the things I'm loving about the task that PerkyGirlie gave me. We're communicating about "normal" stuff as well. ^.^
    That is awesome! I am a social butterfly. I love to be around people and to share bits and pieces of my everyday life. I just don't feel like there is anyway that trust or rapport could be built between me and a potential play partner with only a message or two here or there. I need to be able to tell them about my kitties, or how my day was at work, or the funny thing that happened in chat. I want to share photos of the brownies I baked or the picture I colored or a recording of me singing in the shower ... it just isn't worth it without those things.
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 05:38 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Butterfly View Comment
    That is awesome! I am a social butterfly. I love to be around people and to share bits and pieces of my everyday life. I just don't feel like there is anyway that trust or rapport could be built between me and a potential play partner with only a message or two here or there. I need to be able to tell them about my kitties, or how my day was at work, or the funny thing that happened in chat. I want to share photos of the brownies I baked or the picture I colored or a recording of me singing in the shower ... it just isn't worth it without those things.
    It is all those little things that make you feel wanted and loved, isn't it? To be appreciated and valued. I fully concur with you, Butterfly. :-)
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 05:41 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ze'Rehan View Comment
    It is all those little things that make you feel wanted and loved, isn't it? To be appreciated and valued. I fully concur with you, Butterfly. :-)
    It is!!!! I am so glad somebody gets it ... I think people see the words communicate and they think I want to have long drawn out discussions and debates all the time, but I just want to share a piece of me with them, and have them do the same in return.
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 05:42 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Butterfly View Comment
    It is!!!! I am so glad somebody gets it ... I think people see the words communicate and they think I want to have long drawn out discussions and debates all the time, but I just want to share a piece of me with them, and have them do the same in return.

    It's irksome when they go a week or two without messaging. And when they do, it's only a little blip.

    It makes everything worthwhile when you get that bit of intimate (for lack of better term) feeling by them showing an interest in your day and wanting to share theirs with you.
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 05:49 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ze'Rehan View Comment
    It's irksome when they go a week or two without messaging. And when they do, it's only a little blip.

    It makes everything worthwhile when you get that bit of intimate (for lack of better term) feeling by them showing an interest in your day and wanting to share theirs with you.
    Yeah, if my partner were to disappear for more than a day without prior warning or a legitimate excuse, it would be over. I would feel neglected. I need more attention than that.
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 05:51 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Butterfly View Comment
    Yeah, if my partner were to disappear for more than a day without prior warning or a legitimate excuse, it would be over. I would feel neglected. I need more attention than that.
    I feel you. I understand everyone needs a day here or there. But after a day, if they need more "me" time (could be really down, there are medical reasons for such depression), they should relay that. I could accept that.

    *offers you my stuffie to huggle*
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 05:53 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  10. Old Comment
    perkygirlie's Avatar
    I wish you all the best in your search. As Ze' pointed out, I enjoy just chatting about normal things, and blending kink into the course of everyday life. You deserve to have someone like that; a friend who enjoys giving you tasks/instructions.


    Posted 03-28-2018 at 05:39 AM by perkygirlie perkygirlie is offline
 

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