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Minors in BDSM

Posted 03-20-2018 at 08:07 AM by lilith_
Updated 10-04-2018 at 02:01 AM by lilith_

A topic that brings a lot of controversy in BDSM is the participation of minors in BDSM.

To begin with myself, I got into BDSM when I was 20. Before that the only contact I had with BDSM was porn and to be honest, it had created a very distorted image of what BDSM is. Before that I had a lot of sexual experiences, beginning from a very young age. I've been sexually active since the age of 14, something that nowadays I regret . For a long period I thought that sex was only supposed to be enjoyable for the man. Boy, was I wrong!

The first thing I would like to mention is the most obvious argument people usually use. The maturity argument. Many 15-year-olds and 16-year-olds claim that they are mature enough and mentally prepared to get involved in BDSM. I am not going to say that every teenager is immature and good job to those who are indeed mature for their age! But BDSM isn't exactly ONLY about maturity. Most importantly you need to have good communication skills something that is built over time as we grow older and learn from experience.

Also, BDSM is not a safe thing. No matter what your age is, there are very high chances that something might go wrong. If you are a teenager and a play session goes wrong, your first instict will scream at you to shut up and not get help because you will get in trouble. If something goes wrong, most chances are that teenagers won't go to the hospital to, for example, remove a toy that's stuck in their ass. The risk of getting harmed is always present.

If you are not 18, you are not able to have access in any resources. You cannot buy toys or go to events, you are not able to join BDSM clubs and you can definitely not go to conferences or workshops and classes. You will not find the very much needed souces that allow you to learn and gain experience in order to have a safe, sane and consensual BDSM relationship. In real life if you are not 18, you CANNOT participate.

People on BDSM sites are looking for consenting adults. Lying about your age shows nothing more than lack of maturity and it violates the basis on BDSM, the open, honest communication.

It's VERY dangerous to get involved sexually with an adult. Even if you don't lie about your age, you put them in an extremely unsafe situation. If your parents or caregivers or even a teacher find out, that person could be in serious legal trouble.

The age of consent in any state and country varies. However if the age of sexual consent is 16 in a state or country that only refers to vanilla sexual acts. If you think that BDSM is only sex, you are not ready for BDSM.

Furthermore, anyone who is a minor is under the protection of their parents. The parents are the ones who are responsible for their kids, so it is impossible for you to give that responsibility to someone else, legally speaking. Until the age of 18, you do not have that right because it is your parents' right. You simply cannot consent to BDSM.

Pedophiles exist. There will always going to be evil people on the internet ready to manipulate and abuse minors. Be sure that a middle aged man/woman has had a lot of time in their life to master their manipulation skills and that they are ready to use them on whoever crosses their way. By participating in BDSM and joining BDSM chats and forums, you are one step closer to these people. Advertising that you are into BDSM when you are 15, draws predators, draws people who do not want the best for you emotionally, mentally, physically and it is overall a very risky place for a kid.

If you still insist to participate, even if it is extremely unsafe and everyone tells you not to, make sure you at least do it with people your age, especially people you know in real life. Advertising yourself online in order to find a Daddy, a Dom or a Master, puts you in incredibly high danger.

All that being said, I want to point out one last thing. If you are so interested in BDSM and you are as young as 15 years old, there is only one thing you can do. Educate yourself. Stay away from participation but do your best to educate yourself online. There are many resources you can find, many articles and many youtubers who can help you. However, stay away from any +18 forums where you would put yourself in potentional severe danger.
Posted in BDSM Education
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    This was a great read.

    I think one thing that makes me super angry is the fact that even if the minor feels like they are mature enough to handle things, and that they take the precautions they need, they don't realize that they are putting their partner in jeopardy.

    I had a scare a few years ago, where I was a participant in a group chat of about 15 people. Most of the time we would talk about normal stuff, but we would also share stories of our playtimes, pictures of our marks or toys or boobs, etc. One day, one of our members disappeared. She was a long term member, at least a year she spent with us, talking about her life at college, playing with a Dom who was also a member, sending recordings and photos and talking about all of the events and shenanigans that her and her friends got into.

    It turns out her parents found out about the group chat, and they took away her phone. Sounds a bit harsh for a college student right? It does! But not overly harsh for a 14 year old. That's right, it turns out she was still in elementary school!!!

    It gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. Not only because this little girl was being so sexual, but because it meant that all of us in this group took part in her lie.

    As a mod, I have come across people who are banned for being underage. Some are only a few months away from their 18 birthday. But I take it seriously! You aren't just putting yourself in harms way, you are exposing your partner to a huge risk as well. And if you care for the people you play with (which you should), then you wouldn't do that.

    So thank you again for writing this.
    Posted 03-20-2018 at 09:23 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is online now
  2. Old Comment
    lilith_'s Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Butterfly View Comment
    This was a great read.

    I think one thing that makes me super angry is the fact that even if the minor feels like they are mature enough to handle things, and that they take the precautions they need, they don't realize that they are putting their partner in jeopardy.

    I had a scare a few years ago, where I was a participant in a group chat of about 15 people. Most of the time we would talk about normal stuff, but we would also share stories of our playtimes, pictures of our marks or toys or boobs, etc. One day, one of our members disappeared. She was a long term member, at least a year she spent with us, talking about her life at college, playing with a Dom who was also a member, sending recordings and photos and talking about all of the events and shenanigans that her and her friends got into.

    It turns out her parents found out about the group chat, and they took away her phone. Sounds a bit harsh for a college student right? It does! But not overly harsh for a 14 year old. That's right, it turns out she was still in elementary school!!!

    It gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. Not only because this little girl was being so sexual, but because it meant that all of us in this group took part in her lie.

    As a mod, I have come across people who are banned for being underage. Some are only a few months away from their 18 birthday. But I take it seriously! You aren't just putting yourself in harms way, you are exposing your partner to a huge risk as well. And if you care for the people you play with (which you should), then you wouldn't do that.

    So thank you again for writing this.
    Thank you so much for sharing your point of view!
    Posted 03-20-2018 at 11:07 AM by lilith_ lilith_ is offline
  3. Old Comment
    The problem I have is that it's always from a U.S. perspective and treating the internet like it belongs to the U.S. But there's actually a huge world out there with different cultural norms and legal systems. It's not only in the states that different ages apply. In my country 16 is the legal age of consent. Not just for normal sex but any form of sexual activity. BDSM isn't defined but would fall under the provision of what a sexual act is unless it was BDSM of a non sexual nature. 12-15 is legal as long as the people involved are within 2 years of each other.

    I think people should rather start taking responsibility for themselves and keep within the legal requirements that pertains to them.

    I do agree with your other points. Someone should be mature enough before partaking, and that includes regular sex as well and not just BDSM acts, to also handle the consequences. But it's a tough call. I've seen 16 y.olds that are mature and 20 y.olds that are immature so I won't place age qualifications to it.
    Posted 03-26-2018 at 05:31 PM by Meister Andrew Meister Andrew is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    The problem is that getDare is considered an American site so anything that happens on getDare needs to comply with the age of consent in the US which is 18.

    Even if I lived in another country, I would most likely not want to play with somebody who has not reached 18 or 19 or even low twenties just for the sake of maturity. But for me the biggest concern is legality.
    Posted 03-26-2018 at 05:38 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is online now
  5. Old Comment
    getDare is a participation site so the rules are different from viewing sites which can't reasonably be expected to ensure compliance. But I was actually referring to activities in general and not websites.

    The information that's always being given out though is that cultural norms are something universal when they aren't. Cultural norms are also just that, norms, and not moral rights or wrongs. I understand your legal concern but yours is based on the cultural and legal norm of 18 while mine is 16.

    I also think the world's legal systems have some catching up to do. Used to be that the only sexual contact you could have was in person but the internet changed that while laws haven't changed.
    Posted 03-26-2018 at 07:27 PM by Meister Andrew Meister Andrew is offline
  6. Old Comment
    lilith_'s Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Meister Andrew View Comment
    getDare is a participation site so the rules are different from viewing sites which can't reasonably be expected to ensure compliance. But I was actually referring to activities in general and not websites.

    The information that's always being given out though is that cultural norms are something universal when they aren't. Cultural norms are also just that, norms, and not moral rights or wrongs. I understand your legal concern but yours is based on the cultural and legal norm of 18 while mine is 16.

    I also think the world's legal systems have some catching up to do. Used to be that the only sexual contact you could have was in person but the internet changed that while laws haven't changed.
    Personally I am not an American and the age of consent here is not 18, but 16 (their parnter has to be younger than 18, otherwise it is illegal). However someone as young as 16, hasn't developped their communication skills and it's impossible to be in a serious BDSM relationship without good communication. However, even here where the age of consent is 16, it's unspeakable of them to enter a BDSM event, it's an instant ban from the community and all the events. The majority of people in BDSM events are 20+ years old so it would be illegal of a 16-year-old to have any sexual contact with them. The nature of these events is by essence sexual. It might be different in your country and 16-year-olds might be able to participate in events and play parties but I think everyone can agree on the fact that they are not emotionally ready to be in such a relationship.
    Posted 03-27-2018 at 04:47 AM by lilith_ lilith_ is offline
 

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