Opening another piece of me

So here I am writing another piece of me. To me it already is some heavy stuff to tell you. And I already feel my eyes welling up when I just think about telling it to anyone. And just in advance, I’m sorry for using you as a therapy session.

As you might have read in my thread where I’m opening up is that making and keeping contact is a difficult thing for me. When there is regular contact, it appears to be less difficult for me. The least difficult thing might be just talking in person or in chat. Just normal face to face or over voice and text chat on the internet. But since I’m not going out to places, I’m talking less face to face. But it’s a thing I would like to do more.

Then comes the communicating over the phone and e-mail. The biggest difficulty here is that I’m then mailing people I don’t know or when it is making contact after some time. Then comes calling, especially when you have to dial a company and get choice options. I just rather have someone directly on the phone who can direct me.

But why is making contact so difficult for me. I am not really sure, but after having no contact or didn't set up a date when we talk again, a barrier raises which gets thicker each day. Thus setting up a time really helps me. This is something I noticed with the dnd games I play in. And to break through that barrier will take a lot of energy. But when contact is sought towards me, there is less resistance.

But what is this energy? It actually is my social/emotional energy. Every action I take, trying to make contact will drain some. The barrier does take a lot of my energy to break. Other actions like talking will also take different amount of energy. When not in the center of attention or when I’m enjoying myself like playing DND, it doesn’t take much. But the more I talk or get focused on. The more I’m drained. Another example is sending an email can fully drain me and takes a lot of time to do so, it can take at least minutes to just press the send button.

Then there is another tank, but that one just gets filled when I get frustrated and/or don’t understand something. It also gets filled when there is too much contact. This will drain over time when I’m just happy. But not all will be drained.

But what happens when one is drained or filled up. When my emotional tank is drained, I just want to be alone. I might even set up temporary barriers and will need to recharge. When I’m recharging, I am most vulnerable and my protective shell can be easily broken. That can be a moment where all my emotions can just be released. But I also want to push people away.

But when my other tank flows over, my frustration, my feelings which have been pent up can be released. And then I don’t know what to do and normal social limits can be easily broken. Normally I am just a friendly guy, but when it overflows, I need a lot of personal space. Any contact has a high probability of not being positive. After this my emotional tank is also drained and will be vulnerable. And I will be most likely in tears and regret of what I just did.

But what is this shell of me I also talk about. This is what might keep my emotions fully in me. Or at least sadness and other things alike. But like now when I talk about it, I even feel it coming out. Not much, but enough to make my eyes well up.

And this might be just because of one thing. I have been with a therapist or someone like it and have been diagnosed with an Autism related disorder called: PDD-NOS. This was already a decade ago. And as I’m looking at the symptoms I can really relate myself to them. But I just don’t want it something o be I can blame. It is just me. I don’t want a tag on me. I just want to be treated like normal, but sometimes I just need it.

At least I can laugh at this meme. Somewhere I just love it


Another part of it is detecting emotions from others, but knowing what I feel myself is something I’m not really sure of. Some basic emotions I know and I’m beginning to feel them more, but there’s a lot of neutral too. It are just moments when I don’t know what I feel or supposed to feel.

So this was another piece of me opening up. A little bit about how my mind is working and helping / hindering me. If you want to ask me something about this subject I wil try to answer them.