Welcome to getDare
Join the latest fashion of Promises.
Ever tried one of my fap roulettes?
Did you know about PM dares? A nice and gentle way to start playing here.
You can get a lot of PM dares by sending them in the PM dare bashing game.
Join the latest fashion of Promises.
Ever tried one of my fap roulettes?
Did you know about PM dares? A nice and gentle way to start playing here.
You can get a lot of PM dares by sending them in the PM dare bashing game.
BDSM, abuse and health
Tags abuse, bdsm, preferences, safe call, ssc
If you already haven't, go and read BDSM vs. Abuse and Dear Sub.lucy: BDSM and Abuse which have inspired me. They are very good, interesting to read and point out some important issues.
I'd like to start with my observation that sexual orientation and preferences might be related to the past experiences, especially while growing up. You can find several articles on its change. But I need to pin down the most important statements for me:
1. Sexual orientation and preferences are a spectrum rather than two or a couple of fixed types.
2. Everyone is different, reacts differently, and develops differently. Even if there was a correlation between let's say the preference of being humiliated and having been humiliated as a child, it does not mean that everyone who likes the first had experienced the latter or vice versa.
3. You are allowed to be your true self. I am allowed to be my true self. Everybody is allowed to be the true self. In other words:
Your kink may be different but your kink is alright (and mine, too)!
That said, I even think to develop a certain kink in relation to on first sight similar looking experiences might be one of life's, God's or a person's way to stay aware of an issue, look at it from a different angle, make different experiences with it and possibly finally get over learned harmful thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns, for example by abuse. That doesn't need to mean the sexual preference has to go away with it.
Over the past two decades of my life, I have started and developed a fantasy, first of being dominated. Then it changed over to a femdom world, turned into a strong three gender fantasy with a lot of inequality and physical abuse, which is now frequently dissolved. No matter if it's due to other processes and therapy or vice versa, but it reflects certain learnings and a rearrangement of my feelings towards a healthy balance. Now in my mind, I have been embraced, hugged and tenderly loved the way I needed as a child, and still am. Still, I remain as kinky as I want to.
But while some lovely users report about good experiences and healthy relationships, let's not forget about when people freshly discover sexual preferences in the BDSM spectrum. Safe, sane and consensual don't come naturally for everybody and, as pointed out in the inspirational blog entries, the public knowledge and education are on a different level. As with bareback, it's tempting to throw all precautions overboard in a peak of horniness, be it reckless dares, glorified ideals, and extreme expectations of others or to oneself, published pictures, blackmail, or blind play dates without a safe call. It's my impression that many new users not only need to learn about their limits and a healthy, practical approach first, especially with BDSM, but they are not even aware that such issues exist at all.
I'd like to start with my observation that sexual orientation and preferences might be related to the past experiences, especially while growing up. You can find several articles on its change. But I need to pin down the most important statements for me:
1. Sexual orientation and preferences are a spectrum rather than two or a couple of fixed types.
2. Everyone is different, reacts differently, and develops differently. Even if there was a correlation between let's say the preference of being humiliated and having been humiliated as a child, it does not mean that everyone who likes the first had experienced the latter or vice versa.
3. You are allowed to be your true self. I am allowed to be my true self. Everybody is allowed to be the true self. In other words:
Your kink may be different but your kink is alright (and mine, too)!
That said, I even think to develop a certain kink in relation to on first sight similar looking experiences might be one of life's, God's or a person's way to stay aware of an issue, look at it from a different angle, make different experiences with it and possibly finally get over learned harmful thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns, for example by abuse. That doesn't need to mean the sexual preference has to go away with it.
Over the past two decades of my life, I have started and developed a fantasy, first of being dominated. Then it changed over to a femdom world, turned into a strong three gender fantasy with a lot of inequality and physical abuse, which is now frequently dissolved. No matter if it's due to other processes and therapy or vice versa, but it reflects certain learnings and a rearrangement of my feelings towards a healthy balance. Now in my mind, I have been embraced, hugged and tenderly loved the way I needed as a child, and still am. Still, I remain as kinky as I want to.
But while some lovely users report about good experiences and healthy relationships, let's not forget about when people freshly discover sexual preferences in the BDSM spectrum. Safe, sane and consensual don't come naturally for everybody and, as pointed out in the inspirational blog entries, the public knowledge and education are on a different level. As with bareback, it's tempting to throw all precautions overboard in a peak of horniness, be it reckless dares, glorified ideals, and extreme expectations of others or to oneself, published pictures, blackmail, or blind play dates without a safe call. It's my impression that many new users not only need to learn about their limits and a healthy, practical approach first, especially with BDSM, but they are not even aware that such issues exist at all.
Total Comments 6
Comments
-
We've managed to author quite the trifecta of BDSM/abuse exploratory writing exercises. :P I'm happy to talk about the potential for underlying trauma (or lack thereof) within BDSM with you guys; its a topic that can be swept under the rug at times due to the similarities between abusive acts and BDSM, and a perhaps overly-cautious desire to draw a clear line between the two. But that's not how people work, and I think discussing it as explicitly and honestly as you have here can only help us to better sort out the truth!
Posted 01-16-2017 at 04:29 PM by iSpuds 
-
Thank you. I also see great potential in this exchange.Posted 01-16-2017 at 05:13 PM by CSasha
-
I think a clear line does need to be drawn. But I'd be happy to discuss things ;-)Posted 01-16-2017 at 05:18 PM by little pet
Updated 01-16-2017 at 05:23 PM by little pet -
I 100% agree! A clear line needs to be drawn!Quote:Originally Posted by Sub.lucy
I think a clear line does need to be drawn. But I'd be happy to discuss things ;-)
I also feel that especially when liking harder scenes both have to be very careful not to cross the line. As a dom i not only like to handout hard tasks, i also like to be in a headspace of really liking to do that. At the same time that also requires me to always always always realize that it is a play and that i need to be sensitive to the smallest signs of unhealthy discomfort.
In fact that is what harsh play makes very hot. Living on the edge of these 2 opposite emotions.
My pet at the same time also has to stay alert. She likes harsh play. At the same time she should prevent herself from falling all the way into it. Complete submission during a scene is ok, but after a scene she should really want to become human again. We actually have a 24/7 relation. This means that also outside scenes she always refers to me as sir. Still outside scenes we treat each other as equals. Even though she refers to me as sir and i call her "pet" outside play, i treat her as equal and respect her a lot. She needs to "feel" she is treated as human, she is respected.
Yes..... If we forget these things this could run into abuse. Both of us really want to avoid that. And actually for that reason i think we are both very strong opinionated that the line is sharp and clear.
Finally, we just talk a lot outside play. Communication is the key to keep things ok. Tune-in to each other to make sure your feeling ok.Posted 01-17-2017 at 12:03 AM by sir sam
Updated 01-17-2017 at 12:17 AM by sir sam -
Oh, don't get me wrong. A clear line does need to be drawn, however I don't think that avoiding all conversation that puts "abuse" and "BDSM" in the same sentence is the way to do it.
Some people get into some form of what they feel is BDSM following a traumatic experience such as assault or domestic violence, but also following mental health disorders that interfere with a sense of self-worth and identity. That's just fact. Does it indicate a correlation between past trauma and BDSM? Sure. Does it mean people are kinky because they are sick, broken, traumatized creatures? Not likely, as plenty of people are kinky with an absence of traumatic backgrounds. It's not surprising, considering that everyone is more kinky than they like to let on (just check out this article). But ignoring that some people do get into BDSM following trauma is sweeping an important part of the picture under the rug, and yet the BDSM community seems completely okay with doing so.
People who migrate to BDSM following past trauma, or even as a direct result of that trauma, are the ones who need a clear line drawn between BDSM and abuse the most. For some, it can be a major step in processing a history of abuse. But pretending like these sort of correlations don't happen can lead such people to believe that they are a broken minority who aren't allowed in our community unless they come from loving backgrounds, or have already fully "recovered" from their trauma. BDSM is and can be affected by abuse, and a person can be drawn to BDSM due to a history of being abused. If our desire to separate the concepts of abuse and BDSM (for fear of BDSM being further misrepresented by mainstream media) goes so far as to ignore or even deny that fact, we are doing our fellow kinksters a disservice.Posted 01-17-2017 at 04:35 PM by iSpuds
-
Though I find consent a very important issue in several activities, like games and sports, for instance, I think I can agree it is especially important in BDSM since some meanings like "No" are exchanged and there are relations to and possible misunderstandings with unplayful humiliation, abuse, and other usually violent acts (it's no violence if it is consensual, right?). So we should talk about it more, even more so with people who suffered from such horrible acts in real life as in other peer groups and communities.
The most important issue is the education about the unplayful realities as well as the playful scenarios, with respectful manners, negotiation, SSC, limits, safecall, aftercare and so forth. I think we even need to educate ourselves about bad experiences from light harmful patterns we picked up from minor incidents up to scarred hearts and minds from severe traumata, how to get along with it if it happened to us but also how to support other victims of it.Posted 01-17-2017 at 06:08 PM by CSasha
