Defences

Now, we all have defences, that's pretty standard. Plenty of people on here have a few extra, not wanting to mingle real life with deviant activities for the general public. I understand that more than most, whereby my face is my career and even the vocal recordings are a huge risk for my work and life: added to which, other careers aren't really an option due to how ill they make me. But I'm already being tangenital.

There are many kinds of defence that we all have. There're the kinds stemming from trauma, where we throw up walls to protect ourselves from ever feeling that pain again: this is the kind of thing where we never allow ourselves to be vulnerable (not letting people in) or where we have an intense... dislike for a certain type of people - these are some of the most commonly found, particularly on gD and manifest as what most people call 'trust issues'.

There're the kind that happen as a reflex action - for example deflection when trying to avoid answering something painful/that would upset some (and dodging is used for the same purpose here, just a different technique) or humour to distract and deceive from our problems and, again vulnerabilities.

Sometimes a defence isn't enough and we look for reparation, which is where we look to friends (or even strangers) for help or even the oft-misconstrued attention-seeking behaviours (which can be seen in chat. I myself have been guilty of it, I'm ashamed to say, making a bigger deal of dodging a "how are you?" in the main chat than necessary - but, most often, it is just attention-seeking for the sake of it). Even the genuine attention-seeking behaviours are usually from a place of pain, looking to distract their own mind with a plaster instead of suturing it up with direct attention to the problem.

I could list more, but honestly, I'm on the verge of confusing myself and am hungry and thirsty right now (which stems from another set of defence mechanisms in itself - lethargy, apathy, self-destructive tendencies and some others).

What this blog is kind of about right now is a defence mechanism I seem to resort to in my most dire times. As well as one I've only just become aware of. Whilst I ordinarily wouldn't refer to anything I do as a defence mechainsm, these technically are - the closest to me admitting being for defence in usual circumstances being the first I'll mention.

Removing oneself. I'm not meaning that permanent solution that can be a tempting mistress, even if one can't figure out the finese it requires to be least problematic - I mean isolation and solitude. Not that lovely kind that people think of as a cabin in the mist-wraethed mountainous woods where you can "just get away from it all". I mean turning a room into a cell of dank despisal. I will cut off all communications with everyone. Phone will remain unanswered, Facebook (which I am literally on all the time due to needing to keep up with 300+ work contacts for employment) will not be opened and e-mails not checked. This has caused friends to desperately ask each other for my address - only none of them know it (I often end up in a living situation where guests are an impossible dream). I won't exit the room for as long a stretch as possible - the number of people on here that do pee-holding dares or weightloss dares involving not eating/drinking and all I can think is "You're feeling desperate ater that long? I have without for X times longer and not even cared...": I mean total isolation. Of course, here was a recent blogpost where it was suggested a certain subset of people should be isolated away from the general public - in parts it triggered this reaction in me because I am one of the people mentioned. I had to ask kittenlyss if I was allowed to participate in what everyone else deemed normal life and it took some major efforts from her to convince me that I am allowed to. I still don't feel I fit, but that's not what I'm discussing. Removing oneself from all that causes grief and suffering - from the torrent of emotions that are so difficult to comprehend, let alone deal with. That's what I'm discussing. It leads to a stench-ridden stew in a room, alone with one's thoughts (which is not a good thing for me if I'm spiralling: when you have as many trains of thought moving as fast as me, it's over a dozenfold worse than an average person's spiralling) waiting for that detestment to be over... If you can gain some clarity, you can regather and remove the obstacles and think clearly to overcome problems and re-order everything, ready to reveal yourself to the outside once more. That is the intention of the solitude. To rebuild your strength and recuperate. I'm aware this is less of a "how to defend yourself" or "how to overcome the problems with a defence" and more a "here is how I react and I'm trying not to reveal all (another defence ) or come across as a whiney little bitch or attention-seeker or even a pessimist", but really, this was a place to say some things that I imagine many can relate to and maybe to have people understand some of the things that I do...

(Before I continue, just thought of two more - the option of eternal sleep and the decision of consistent consciousness. Basically, as a rule, I don't sleep: you don't have to process a lot of crap, your memory turns to shite and you don't have to deal with things and you can get a lot more done with your time. Not to mention, I then don't have to dal with my oneirophobia. Eternal sleep - to me, sleep is essentially unidirectional time travel. If I sleep, I wake up in the future and nothing has happened to me in between. When things are too much, you can sleep away all that is causing problms and just keep sleeping until a point you can try and get back into it all. Just keep sleeping until things are gone... Outsleep the world... Say bye to it all and wake up with a fresh start. If you want to wake up )

Now I move onto the part that the whole blog has been about really. A realisation that asexuality is an unconscious and forced defence mechanism of mine. It can often stem from Sirius, but when everything is too much and when it all needs to stop - I just suddenly have no interest. Not even just in sex, but seeing a nice pair of mammary glands, a beautiful glutius maximus, the wondrous soft-section between ribs and hips, a pretty face or whatever doesn't make me do anything. Not in a "nothing happens down there way", but rather the only way I appreciate it is in the same vein as a piece of art in a style that's not to my taste - it becomes a purely "Well that's been made well because.." kind of way. Disinterest and even indifference occur. It's the ultimate in anti-prejudgement, I guess. But more than that, I just become accutely unaware of the "joygiving" area altogether. We're on a website where, let's face it, plenty of people flirt, bandy themselves about, play and throw themselves at each other for gratificational pleasure (I enjoy making new words, you may have noticed - sue me.) and I've had some propositions (always get them from guys, but let's not go there) - ordinarily these are for me to be a Dom and it's no small secret that that choice is beoming more and more of a strain on me. But I've also been propositioned with several things that rarely, if ever come up (one such example being that last night, a lovely lass was seeming to want to cam for me and she is attractive as well [that being knowledge from previous as opposed to current thinking - I am in such a state right now, hence the blogpost]), but I had no inclination. Who doesn't like to see someone enjoying themselves and enjoying it more knowing you can see? But I declined. My head said "this opportunity won't come by again, take it even if you don't get to use it" - but it was only part of it. If I'd have said yes, I'd have been bored and disinterested and they'd have felt they had done something wrong and all kinds of other things. I am now garbled on what I'm trying to say and what my point just now was... Suffice to say, I am usually an overly-sexed person. This was seen as a good thing by previous partners.

(cont. in comments)