The Word NO
One of my favorite words.
The problem is that I use it in a few different ways.
Sometimes my NO means "You're getting on my nerves. Now get out of my face."
Sometimes my NO means "I'm not comfortable doing that. So stop pushing me." A variation on the above, but still a bit different. I don't like being pushed out of my comfort zone before I'm ready. I need to be the person who makes the decision to step out of it. I do occasionally like help with this stepping out, but if it's not solicited or READILY accepted, it's unwanted.
Sometimes my NO means "I'm not comfortable doing that YET." And that I want to let the idea simmer for a bit. And that I'll likely research and/or ask plenty of questions before I'm ready. This is where I'm sitting right at the edge of my comfort zone, watching what happens outside, but not yet poking my fingers past the boundaries.
And sometimes my NO means "I just want to argue about it." I like to argue; I may or may not have an investment in the outcome of the argument. I'm just enjoying the activity.
That pretty much describes how I use NO with friends and even the general population. I do try not to get bent around the axle if people mistake my one NO for another. I'm afraid I'm not terribly good at indicating which type I'm using in any situation.
But, add D/s to my very confusing communications and all of those feelings attached to all the different NOs get amplified.
Then, my playful "I just wanna argue" NO becomes "I'm enjoying being the recalcitrant sub and I WANT to be put in my place, shown who's boss."
And if my serious "I'm not doing that shit" NO is ignored if I'm pushed at after I've said it, I start to feel hurt, a little bit betrayed. I immediately get defensive, extra-stubborn, and withdraw.
I guess I'm super lucky to have somehow found Almost, who seems to magically be able to read me and always knows what I mean when I say NO.
Edit 1/17/2015: Adding this to the Words category even though it's not precisely semantics. Now that I have a Words thing going.
The problem is that I use it in a few different ways.
Sometimes my NO means "You're getting on my nerves. Now get out of my face."
Sometimes my NO means "I'm not comfortable doing that. So stop pushing me." A variation on the above, but still a bit different. I don't like being pushed out of my comfort zone before I'm ready. I need to be the person who makes the decision to step out of it. I do occasionally like help with this stepping out, but if it's not solicited or READILY accepted, it's unwanted.
Sometimes my NO means "I'm not comfortable doing that YET." And that I want to let the idea simmer for a bit. And that I'll likely research and/or ask plenty of questions before I'm ready. This is where I'm sitting right at the edge of my comfort zone, watching what happens outside, but not yet poking my fingers past the boundaries.
And sometimes my NO means "I just want to argue about it." I like to argue; I may or may not have an investment in the outcome of the argument. I'm just enjoying the activity.
That pretty much describes how I use NO with friends and even the general population. I do try not to get bent around the axle if people mistake my one NO for another. I'm afraid I'm not terribly good at indicating which type I'm using in any situation.
But, add D/s to my very confusing communications and all of those feelings attached to all the different NOs get amplified.
Then, my playful "I just wanna argue" NO becomes "I'm enjoying being the recalcitrant sub and I WANT to be put in my place, shown who's boss."
And if my serious "I'm not doing that shit" NO is ignored if I'm pushed at after I've said it, I start to feel hurt, a little bit betrayed. I immediately get defensive, extra-stubborn, and withdraw.
I guess I'm super lucky to have somehow found Almost, who seems to magically be able to read me and always knows what I mean when I say NO.
Edit 1/17/2015: Adding this to the Words category even though it's not precisely semantics. Now that I have a Words thing going.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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Always useful to see a glyssary of terms
I think everyon has these - in some cases, the NOs are replaced with other words. In most cases, it's down to context and body language - if it's not in person, then emoticons might help define it.
But a post I think most people can relate to - although specifc to you are reacting to how people take them. Very glad Almost always knows which version it isPosted 06-23-2014 at 11:10 PM by DoingMyBest 
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I agree. I just don't feel the need to clarify myself usually. So, while most people will only use no in a serious situation OR never use it when they're serious, I don't. I don't have safewords or anything. He's just expected to interpret my messages and figure out which one I mean. Which he does pretty much perfectly because he's fucking awesome.
One of my biggest flaws is that I'm not a good communicator. I'm CAPABLE of communicating well. I just don't always feel obliged to. I'm perfectly happy to understand myself and let everyone else remain confused.Posted 07-03-2014 at 01:14 PM by kittenlyss
