Of course: The story of my life

First off, if you don't want to read some boring story that has probably no purpose or anything to it, don't read. Read Bella's blog or Rachie's stories or something if you want something with a purpose

My life is good. I have great friends. I am at a great school. I have a great job. I can drink, and I can handle my booze and know my limits. I have ligament issues, but whatever. But what I don't have is the gift of gab and I am not the greatest looking person in the world. Whatever.

Some of the long time users might remember some of my issues about a year ago. I am not going to explain it but here is a blog post that has some info on it . I later learned I was being used and was pissed off to the greatest degree possible. Only last weekend did I have that person and I even had a conversation, and it was a brief one in that. I don't know if I can really forgive that person, it ruined a rekindled friendship, even if we were just going to wind up becoming friends, and left me confused, angry and depressed for about 3 months (it was not the sole contributor to this state of mind, but it is what started an eventual chain reaction).

December, things had slowly started to look up for me. I had overcome a brutal semester that left me drained. Many might recall me posting a blog in which I stated I was drained. Regardless, I made a mistake this time. I did the one unspoken no-no that is at my college: I tried to become romantically interested with someone of the same major. In classes where I am one of the few males, I have plenty of female friends. While I might have struggled when I got to college, I know now how to interact with girls. But something about this girl seemed different. She wasn't the most attractive girl in the world, and some of her speech patterns sometimes annoyed me, but I found her the coolest person in the world. We had a lot of common interests, and for whatever reason I just hit it off great with her. I decided to say screw the rule, I am going to make this work. I know why know why I shouldn't have done this: if things don't work out, then you are in screwed city.

Things didn't necessarily start off bad. We became closer, we talked, had a good conversation, and went on a "date" together (I don't like the term date because it can be used so loosely. What really is a date? I prefer it be more a one on one social gathering). Anyways, we did this, and things were going well. Recently though, things have been getting to the point where she has just become more, how do I say, colder. It was not really sure if it was something I did or if she was not the person I thought she was. I became angry at myself because I thought it was something I did. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was. Was it because I hadn't asked her on another date? No, because she hasn't been free. Was it something I said? I don't know what that could it have been.

This weighted on me for a while. I remember last weekend vividly. I spend a night really thinking about this. Between this and the thought that I missed home, I spent a good hour crying. I am not sure what it was about. Was it because I missed out on a chance I thought I had? Was it because I hadn't seen my family at all and I was homesick? Was it simply because I was overwhelmed in all aspects of life? I still don't know why I did this.

Fast-forward to this weekend. I decide I needed a break and get away from my school. I didn't want to worry about this at all. Especially after seeing another guy try to impress her (at least I thought, I don't know). Anyways, last night I was up and had a few drinks in me and I found something interesting. On a social media site, she left a conversation with a friend on a timeline. In my slightly inebriated state, I decided to check out. She was having a chat with a friend about boys. Remember this is up for the whole world to see. I continue reading the conversation and see a message that really hit hard. She was clearly interested in a boy, but that person was not me. She is complaining about how poorly this guy treated you and basically stopped communicating with her. She was talking about having a broken heart.

This just set me off. I thought, "Kind of like what you did to me?!!!" I wanted to reply and say how I was feeling. Like how when I was in a foreign country, she was one of the few people I had conversations with. How I worried just about every single night that I was missing an opportunity to talk while some other guy got closer and closer. How I was the one who really liked her. After a few minutes, I settled down. I honestly don't know what prevented me from not sleeping. Nights like those are usually long and drawn out. It leads me to think of angry and sad thoughts. But I just dozed off quickly and woke up and moved on.

I don't know how things are going to move forward. Will we at sometime talk? Maybe. I know now that this isn't as high of a priority for me as it once was. Will the person who hurt her come back? Maybe. Will the guy who couldn't help but be close to her swoop in? Maybe, and this is what I am most afraid of. Because I know who this person is, and he is a raging penis. If she is looking for guys who care about her and will treat her well, I know this guy is probably not on that last. Maybe it is just my disdain for him that makes me say this, but I know he is acting fake. But if that is the route she chooses to pick, I can't do anything about it. And to be perfectly honest, I won't really feel sorry for her either.

As for me moving forward? That will be tougher. A penis (using this to describe a person fyi) got in the way last time, and it looks like a penis will get in the way this time. I will rebound quicker than I did last time. I have a better support group, even if they don't know what they are supporting me for. I have moved on from worse things to happen to me, whether it be with life, or things like this. It is not the end of the world. A girl might pop up only for the same thing to happen again. It will take a few weeks, but I am sure I will put this episode behind me.


Talking in my Philosophy course the other day, my professor shared this quote. Never before did I need to hear a quote this badly than I did then. It goes at follows.

I honestly don't care if you didn't read this at all, all the way through, or whatever. I don't care what you think of me. If you think I too am a penis and a raging assbag, good for you. The only thing that really matters to me is that I was finally able to put this into words. But if you did stick around, thanks.