The babysitter

[Undead]

alright this story is about timmy. timmy is getting a new babysitter named Jessica for a month while his parents are away then jessica realizes their both 17 what will they do together???

Chapter 1

Bye honey the babysitter will be here in 2 hours. Ok mom bye love you. Timmy heres the door shut and starts to look up porn. He find a site called givemefreeporn so he clicks on the site. Timmy masterbated for an hour before he discovered he was dried up. Timmy goes and makes a sandwich when he hears the door bell.

Timmy answers the door to see a hot girl with big boobs and a giant ass asking are you Timmy? Timmy stared in her eyes unable to talk. He finally says yes and lets her in. They start talking about eachother then realized their both 17. Jessica finishes the conversation by asking if he was hungry but he said no. Timmy thought Jesica was the most beautiful girl in the world. Timmy started to imagine her naked then he was brought back to reality by her phone ringing. Jessica picked up the phone and walked outside for some privacy. Timmy decided to go play some black ops until he was called by Jessica asking where she is going to sleep. Timmy said in his mind [I]sleep with me sexy[I] but said in his parents room.

Later that night at around 3AM Timmy heared Jessica cry. Timmy walks to his parents room to see what was wrong. Timmy found Jessica crying and eating Icecream on the bed. Timmy asked what was wrong and jessica said nothing. Timmy wouldnt take no for an answer and asked again. Jessica started telling him about the phone call and that her boyfriend broke up with her and called her a slut. Timmy felt sorry for her so he put his arm around her shoulder and told her it would be alright. Jessica asked if he could snuggle with her until she fell asleep and he couldnt say no. Jessica was still crying so Timmy got closer holding her saying it would be alright. about an hour later the crying stopped and Timmy went to his bed.....

[kmacroxs]

this is an awesome story, please continue

[dmoney]

You need to adjust the ages... the babysitter is always older than the child. I've never heard of a scenario where parents would call a babysitter for a 17 year old boy before, especially a 17 year old girl. Seems a bit far-fetched and ludicrous. The parents might as well be getting him a call girl at this point.

[wme]

Wait. What?

Your story is so hard to understand in so many ways.

1. You capitalized only the beginning of sentences and not things like Black Ops.
2. You call this a fictional story? I could not understand where parents could possibly let someone with an ass or boobs be a babysitter.
3. You didn't describe at all where the parents were going. What kind of parents would leave their seventeen year old son (a minor) alone.
4. What kind of parents would their seventeen year old son alone with a girl that hot at that age.
5. For some reason, every time you spelled Timmy's name, you spelled it uncapitalized and you spelled Jessica capitalized every time.
6. Why would a girl be crying at 3AM?
7. What boyfriend would break up with a hot girl like that at 3AM?
8. Why would she be eating ice cream in a bedroom?
9. The prologue really makes the story worse. A prologue is supposed to be an introduction to the characters and to answer any early questions like, "Why were the parents going away?" or, "Why did the guy break up with Jessica?"
10. When most writers imitate thoughts, they use italics. I see you tried to but just please do us all a favor and use the italics button.
11. Why would a 17 year old need a babysitter?


I wouldn't consider revisions or even bother continuing the story at all.

Not Yours Truly:mad:
WME

[wme]

this is an awesome story, please continue

A story isn't just awesome because it's interesting. A story is a good story for many reasons.

1. The author finishes it.
2. The author uses an easy to read font.
3. The author uses correct spelling, capitalization, and grammar.
4. The author posts frequently.
5. It has many views.
6. The author is realistic and doesn't go off into his fantasy unless labeled fantasy.
7. The author doesn't abruptly end the story.
8. The author knows the difference between a fantasy and a fiction (for the record a fantasy is unrealistic with any kind of characters in a made up place. A fiction is realistic in a real place).
9. Critics like me don't find anything wrong with the story.
10. The author describes anything and everything in the story.
11. The author uses the correct vocabulary level, so that people don't have to use a dictionary.
12. The author doesn't ask the audience how to end or continue the story.


These were off the top of my head. I'm sure there is much much more.

Yours Truly:rolleyes:
WME

[kmacroxs]

9. Critics like me don't find anything wrong with the story.

Critics like you always find something wrong with people's stories, so that's not a valid reason.

[kmacroxs]

4. The author posts frequently.
5. It has many views.
7. The author doesn't abruptly end the story.


don't apply here

[kmacroxs]

2. The author uses an easy to read font.
11. The author uses the correct vocabulary level, so that people don't have to use a dictionary.


these are reasons why I think it's awesome, along with the fact that it's interesting

[DareRussian]

I think the author is about 11 years old

[MattInPanties]

1. The author finishes it.
I would label some unfinished stories on here my favorites of all time
2. The author uses an easy to read font.
Irrelevant unless it causes an inability to read it.
3. The author uses correct spelling, capitalization, and grammar.
I agree
4. The author posts frequently.
Irrelevant again, has nothing to do with a stories strength
5. It has many views.
This makes it popular, but Irrelevant to how good it is
6. The author is realistic and doesn't go off into his fantasy unless labeled fantasy.
Fantasy usually uses talking animals or similar devices. Fiction can be unrealistic. What you were thinking of was Realistic Fiction, which is completly different.
7. The author doesn't abruptly end the story.
Irrelevant, those can be great endings, can cause extreme drama. But if used wrong, can ruin a story
8. The author knows the difference between a fantasy and a fiction (for the record a fantasy is unrealistic with any kind of characters in a made up place. A fiction is realistic in a real place).
Its funny because you have no clue what the hell your saying!
City of Ember (A fiction Novel) happens in a very unrealistic world, and is in a made up place. Yeah, its ficton.
Fantasy: Narnia, has talkimg animals and magic.
Theres a difference between Realistic fiction and normal fiction
9. Critics like me don't find anything wrong with the story.
Ha! If one person thinks somethings wrong then its official?
So dumb...
10. The author describes anything and everything in the story.
Nope, false. If I knew everything happening in a mystery novel, itd be pretty boring. Do you know anything about english?
11. The author uses the correct vocabulary level, so that people don't have to use a dictionary.
Yep, no story should be allowed to use big words. Reading should require no thinking!
Thats sarastic btw
12. The author doesn't ask the audience how to end or continue the story.
Shynessincarnate wrote a damn good story doing this

Im not going to let you bash a writer trying to write a story this intensly. You were really cruel to a better writer then yourself. Please dont act like you know what your talking about


Sorry If I used any words to big for you WME

[kmacroxs]

1. The author finishes it.
I would label some unfinished stories on here my favorites of all time
2. The author uses an easy to read font.
Irrelevant unless it causes an inability to read it.
3. The author uses correct spelling, capitalization, and grammar.
I agree
4. The author posts frequently.
Irrelevant again, has nothing to do with a stories strength
5. It has many views.
This makes it popular, but Irrelevant to how good it is
6. The author is realistic and doesn't go off into his fantasy unless labeled fantasy.
Fantasy usually uses talking animals or similar devices. Fiction can be unrealistic. What you were thinking of was Realistic Fiction, which is completly different.
7. The author doesn't abruptly end the story.
Irrelevant, those can be great endings, can cause extreme drama. But if used wrong, can ruin a story
8. The author knows the difference between a fantasy and a fiction (for the record a fantasy is unrealistic with any kind of characters in a made up place. A fiction is realistic in a real place).
Its funny because you have no clue what the hell your saying!
City of Ember (A fiction Novel) happens in a very unrealistic world, and is in a made up place. Yeah, its ficton.
Fantasy: Narnia, has talkimg animals and magic.
Theres a difference between Realistic fiction and normal fiction
9. Critics like me don't find anything wrong with the story.
Ha! If one person thinks somethings wrong then its official?
So dumb...
10. The author describes anything and everything in the story.
Nope, false. If I knew everything happening in a mystery novel, itd be pretty boring. Do you know anything about english?
11. The author uses the correct vocabulary level, so that people don't have to use a dictionary.
Yep, no story should be allowed to use big words. Reading should require no thinking!
Thats sarastic btw
12. The author doesn't ask the audience how to end or continue the story.
Shynessincarnate wrote a damn good story doing this

Im not going to let you bash a writer trying to write a story this intensly. You were really cruel to a better writer then yourself. Please dont act like you know what your talking about


Sorry If I used any words to big for you WME

I completely agree with Matt here

[wme]

Well as a critic myself, respectfully, I disagree. When I read a short story on this website, I don't want to have to look up a word. I want to read and find out what happens next. And several stories such as the sister's sleepover, I can't find anything to critic on.

When I say abruptly end, remember the mountain chart. Exposition, Rising Action, Climax, Falling Action, and Resolution. Not Exposition, Rising Action, Climax, end story. No more. In the story I am referring to, a guy just got submissive to his girlfriend and then he walked across a street and died. Not even a climax. I hate to find out that my favorite story that I had been reading for over a month was abruptly ended in something stupid like that. Yes great stories can be abandoned or ended but they can still be better if they have a slow, logical ending.

When I post my story, I post it frequently with one at a time so people don't have to wait a week to find out what happens. Not all things revolve around posting one big block of text and then waiting 2 weeks to post another one. People lose a lot of viewers by doing that.

Most times, when I am looking for a story to critic, I look at the views. The one with the most views or the least views gets my vote.

I actually am mistaken about the fiction/fantasy issue. Sorry.

When you ask the readers what you want in a story, yes it can make a good story but it shows a weakness that you don't know how to write your own stories. And when you go asking, the people you ask know what's going to happen or what's likely to happen and again, you get less viewers.


Yeah I was kind of cruel to Undead and I'm sorry about that, but Cynthia Tucker, a great writer was also cruel. Yes he is a better writer than me, but I'm talking about this story. The thing is I am a way way way better critic than a writer. Just cause I wrote a bunch of bad stories doesn't mean I can't be a really good critic.

[wme]

Actually some fonts are difficult to read

[shadowofchaos]

Actually some fonts are difficult to read


hate to wade in but this has to be said you are being very childish with this one WME.
plus this debate is detracting from the story itself and may put the author off (which I sincerly hope doesn't happen as I like this story)

as for you complaints about grammer and spelling i'm sorry but not everyone is capable of being to the same standard as the professionals and some may even have problems like dyslexia which cause even more problems.
so get off your high horse and let the guy get on with it aslong as it is readable it doesn't matter.

[Lizard]

Well as a critic myself, respectfully, I disagree. When I read a short story on this website, I don't want to have to look up a word. I want to read and find out what happens next. And several stories such as the sister's sleepover, I can't find anything to critic on.

As a writer, when I use a word there is usually a good bit of thought put into its choice. So, if my chosen word, opulient, let's say, is not in your vocabulary, then look it up, learn something, and try to understand why that was the word I used. And when being critical, maybe you should ensure that your grammar is pretty close to perfect (word in bold). Further, given your signature implies that you are only 13, I would venture to guess that your vocabulary isn't all that large and you should expect to look up words regardless of where you are reading.


When I say abruptly end, remember the mountain chart. Exposition, Rising Action, Climax, Falling Action, and Resolution. Not Exposition, Rising Action, Climax, end story. No more. In the story I am referring to, a guy just got submissive to his girlfriend and then he walked across a street and died. Not even a climax. I hate to find out that my favorite story that I had been reading for over a month was abruptly ended in something stupid like that. Yes great stories can be abandoned or ended but they can still be better if they have a slow, logical ending.

It is an author's prerogative to finish their story as they choose. Yes, I've closed the final page on a book and been disappointed, but it's no reason to complain; unless someone has hired you on as a book critic or an editor.


When I post my story, I post it frequently with one at a time so people don't have to wait a week to find out what happens. Not all things revolve around posting one big block of text and then waiting 2 weeks to post another one. People lose a lot of viewers by doing that.

It's no secret that I prefer an author to write and post their story as a complete work. However, if an author decides that a serial approach is best, then they may only have the time to make their installments on a weekly, or even a monthly, basis. If that doesn't fit your schedule, then tough. Either check back later, or abandon the story.


Most times, when I am looking for a story to critic, I look at the views. The one with the most views or the least views gets my vote.

Maybe you need to check the dictionary before using words yourself. Just because spell check doesn't complain doesn't mean that it's correct.


When you ask the readers what you want in a story, yes it can make a good story but it shows a weakness that you don't know how to write your own stories. And when you go asking, the people you ask know what's going to happen or what's likely to happen and again, you get less viewers.

I'm not a fan of people making requests for ideas once they've started a story, however there are writers who are just starting, or need to build confidence, and getting a bit of help isn't such a bad thing. As for a story having less readers because they asked for direction, do you have evidence to support this statement? I would think that the contrary is true; if a reader offers suggestions and/or ideas, they are more likely to return and view later installments as they would have some ownership.


The thing is I am a way way way better critic than a writer. Just cause I wrote a bunch of bad stories doesn't mean I can't be a really good critic.
Sorry, I must disagree. A good critic would have offered their point of view without putting off so many people. It is clear by the number of responses, not to mention a response from me, that you've not offered suggestions and critical analyses in such a way that is helpful, and that is not a mark of a good critic.

Actually some fonts are difficult to read


No problem reading this font either; sorry.

[Rock]

Not 21+ or a female, but great profile photo :)