For the slaves and subs out there

[Fiendish]

Here's a thread I hope will become companion to Merlin's Being a Dom thread.

It's a slightly less-angry post than my last couple of rants, so it should be a nicer read.

This is for the slaves/subs.("slave" shall be used herein to refer to both slaves and subs)

Let's start at the most basic level. You've realized you're a slave. Good for you! Slaves tend to be in high demand, while Masters tend to be overabundant.("Master" shall be used herein to refer to both Masters and Doms)

Whether you're a fully committed slave(looking for that one Master to own you forever and ever) or a "thrill slave" as I call them(frequently changing Masters to see what's out there, to have different things thrown your way all the time), you should understand a few basic things about finding a Master you're compatible with.

The Search:

You've decided it's time to go looking, and decided an online relationship might be good to start. So you start looking on the Net, and you have lots of choices, but only a few offer a real chance for a good online relationship. This site is one that holds that potential, but only if you put the right effort into it.

You're putting up your ad, wanting to let everyone know you're a slave and available. But you don't know how to best get a good Master that you can be compatible with.

Avoid the common mistakes.

Mistake 1: Lack of overall information. Many slaves provide only age, sex, and maybe one or two other things about themselves(i.e., "live with family", "live in big city with lots to do", "have small woods near", etc.), then ask for Masters to contact them. Add details! What you like, what you don't like, what your limits(hard and soft) are, things that you're not sure if they are limits or not... the more information of this type, the better.

Mistake 2: Spelling and grammar. Most of the people spelling horribly are the ones supposedly born in an English speaking country, raised speaking English, and gone through a school taught in English. Most non-native speakers, as I have found, write better than many natives to the English language. I'd smack those people, but I can't afford gas or tickets to do so. Don't throw proper writing out the window just because you're in a hurry.

Mistake 3: The last common mistake I tend to hear about(as opposed to seeing with my own eyes) is going with the very first Master that contacts you. Sometimes that works, mostly it doesn't.

The Contact:

Let's be clear here... you're not yet owned in any way, shape, or form. Just because someone claiming to be a Master sent you a message like, "im ur mazter now, bich!", doesn't mean that person is your Master yet, and don't feel like you have to give that kind of person a chance because they claim to be a Master.

So, you've set up a time to meet on MSN("MSN" shall herein be used to refer to any sort of IM service), and the potential Master you've set up to meet just logged on and sent you the "Hello" message(whatever they use to greet you as they see you're on). If the first thing they say is "nakid one cam n0w!", that's a good indication that they should be immediately blocked.

Assuming the first thing they say is a bit more intelligent("How are you today?", "so you're XXXXXX from getDare, right?", "what exactly are you looking for in this kind of relationship?", etc.), your response(still not owned at this point, remember) should be freely told, but still respectful at the same time(adding "sir", "ma'am", whatever is appropriate for the situation is a good way to do this), showing you know your place in relation to them, even though they don't own you(yet).

This is where you should see if this potential Master has any questions for you, and where you should ask any questions you have about the way this Master does things, anything you find yourself curious about.

Assuming all that goes well, I recommend setting a "trial period", where you and your new potential Master see if things will work- treat this period as if the Master owns you, but realize you are not yet fully owned. The trial period can end abruptly, without hurt feelings, in many ways, including, but not limited to:

-Uneasy feelings between the two of you;
-Incompetence on the part of either party;
-Loss of interest by either party;
-"cheating" on the part of the slave(having more than one Master at a time during this trial period); AND
-Other

Let us assume all this has gone well, and you and your Master have decided to make it "official", in as official a sense as can be, that is. Great!

Being a Slave:

CONGRATULATIONS! You're now the proud property of your Master! It's like the first time you beat the original Mario, but better. You've established hard limits, soft limits, what you like, dislike, things you're unsure of, what rules you're to follow, etc. etc..

You trust your Master not to make you do anything that would harm you, your reputation, job, or anyone else. So you may feel like you can't or shouldn't speak up if something your Master wants you to do makes you uncomfortable. The most important thing is to COMMUNICATE. Let your Master know! Do it respectfully, of course, but let your Master know, talk it out- why does it make you uncomfortable? Can something be changed to make it more doable, and work up to what your Master wants? Try to discuss these things.

As you build trust, naturally, you'll be more willing to do things for your Master, and you may see some of your soft limits disappearing, and some of your hard limits at the beginning of the relationship may become soft limits. But above all, you'll be more content with the relationship, knowing you'll do anything your Master asks, because you know your Master won't make you do anything outside your limits.

You're probably asking, "where is it appropriate for my Master to ask for pics?" That answer is somewhere within the trial period to ownership period. The first thing they ask for shouldn't be pics, but if you offer, don't expect them to say no, and you set in their mind that you like sending them pics, so they'll ask more than normal, most likely.

If everything works out for awhile, and you want to move to the next step, feel free to do so... but offline relationships are a whole 'nother ball game, and not contained within the scope of this article.

As always, if you don't like what I wrote, tough. If you have a real problem with it, PM me so this thread doesn't get clogged, in the unlikely event this thread bears useful discussions.

©2008 Fiendish

[slave456]

fell asleep after fist few paragraphs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TheLittleStrawberry]

fell asleep after fist few paragraphs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shut up. This is helpful information that would do people like you good. Learn.

[Sum]

fell asleep after fist few paragraphs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's a fist few? You need to read mistake number 2.


Super article. I can just add in some ways a sub/slave should see their dominant as a friend, i feel a dominants role should be someone that the slave can tell anything to, things close to their heart that they probably wouldn't tell anyone else.

When you reach this level of COMMUNICATION in a D/s relationship you know you have a good level of TRUST between each other.

(oh btw Fiendish, harsh punishment on your slave in her blog there, I've only ever threatened to do that with mine and that fear was enough to bring her into line. Think even the treat of it was a turning point in our relationship in both of us realising how much power i had. In conversation after she said that it had scared her really badly. Didn't mean it to be a fear thing, was prepared to go though with it. Damn I've gone right off topic. Getting into a thing on doms there that you don't actually need to punish all the time...etc)

[Fiendish]

What's a fist few? You need to read mistake number 2.


Super article. I can just add in some ways a sub/slave should see their dominant as a friend, i feel a dominants role should be someone that the slave can tell anything to, things close to their heart that they probably wouldn't tell anyone else.

When you reach this level of COMMUNICATION in a D/s relationship you know you have a good level of TRUST between each other.

(oh btw Fiendish, harsh punishment on your slave in her blog there, I've only ever threatened to do that with mine and that fear was enough to bring her into line. Think even the treat of it was a turning point in our relationship in both of us realising how much power i had. In conversation after she said that it had scared her really badly. Didn't mean it to be a fear thing, was prepared to go though with it. Damn I've gone right off topic. Getting into a thing on doms there that you don't actually need to punish all the time...etc)

Feel free to add anything you feel I missed :)

And yeah, it was pretty bad, but I had to ease her mind- she felt she deserved it, I figured less would have been sufficient.

But anyway, as I said, I hope this thread becomes a companion thread to Merlin's thread, so let the useful discussions begin!

[urlilslave080]

Thats a very good post, I enjoyed reading it alot and it also taught me a few things. It has a good humerous side to it aswell, I like it.

[Fiendish]

I try, ya know? I feel everything needs a little humor thrown in, makes it a bit easier to read IMO.

Thanks for the input

[SubMissChievous]

First of all, thank you Fiendish for putting up this thread. I’m hopeful that this one will come in handy for anyone searching a Master here.

And I think that, as a slave myself, can add some tips (note that most of the tips below could also apply to a Master seeking slave)

First thing if you find yourself looking for a Master: Don’t rush it! Like it’s been mentioned above you don’t have to hook up with the 1st person contacting you. Just because one is dominant & the other submissive does not equal a match. You’ll need to find someone compatible with you.

Why not make a little list of things you’d like to find in a potential Master or in a future relationship… Things like: fetishes/likes/interests, frequency of meetings, casual or strict type of relationship, etc.

Now if you decide to search a Master for yourself in the s/m section instead of posting:

Look at the high-rated ads (3+ stars) first. Those are the ones containing sufficient information for you to make a choice. Not that the users who have less can’t be good Masters but the highest rated one not only show that the person is serious but knows exactly what they look for as well in general. The most descriptive ads will help you find someone who share common interests too.

Once you find an ad that’s sound appealing to you… why not look at some past postings from that person? This also helps a lot in knowing their interests & even a bit on their personality sometimes. (It might even be useful information in a future relationship too…)

You’ve found someone who has “Intrigued You?” Great!!! Now it’s time to send a PM! Introduce yourself, give some information about your limits, likes, dislikes,past experience (not necessarily an extended list, of course…), what attracted you in their ad & posts…

Oh and finally one last thing… I’ve mentioned above to read your potential future Master’s posts… Hint: Many Masters do the same while seeking slave(s) so if you’re a regular poster yourself avoid posting crap like this:




fell asleep after fist few paragraphs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Serious Masters like intelligent slaves who are polite & can follow some rules... Posting such junk only proves you can't even follow the simplest forums & messages boards rules! Not very good!!!

[Fiendish]

Thanks for adding that useful information, chloe! I thought I'd missed something or another, I forgot about the slave searching instead of putting out an ad.

Keep the information flowing, if information needs to flow...

[urlilslave080]

well said naughty_chloe, you and fiendish are both very smart people, thank tou both for the tips, i also think this could help masters aswell.
once again thanks

[Fiendish]

well said naughty_chloe, you and fiendish are both very smart people, thank tou both for the tips, i also think this could help masters aswell.
once again thanks

I try, and it's what Depp pays chloe to do.

So basically, no need to thank us... it's her job and my personal mini-crusade in an attempt to smarten up the forums a bit :)

[SubMissChievous]

Those little tips above are things I've used when I searched for myself... Hopefully they can help someone else too. :)

I try, and it's what Depp pays chloe to do.


:eek: What??!! I'm supposed to be paid?! Haven't received my check yet! :D

[Fiendish]

Take that up with Depp, not me :)

[urlilslave080]

Haha so chloe how long have you been waiting for it.
Yea I agree alot of people on this site dont consider the decency of the site
everyone needs to chip in and just take the time its worth when posting and replying and read the post through to make sure its all sensible.
I declare i will help you on your crusade, if thats ok with you.
Have a good day/night

[Fiendish]

The more, the merrier, I always say... unless those more are really annoying.

Anyway, I think both me and chloe are happy we could be a good resource for you, and hopefully we will be for other people too.

[Kitty]

nice thread i had read it and think it will be best if i follow that

[Fiendish]

It feels good knowing we've helped at least two people with this thread :)

[Isabell]

Traveler & I usually ask to called by just our names until we have have progressed to knowing if it will work or not. This way there are no strange feelings about meeting again. This also helps to put the other person a little more at ease until everyone knows more.

We always tell those who decide this is not for them that they can contact us to stay in touch or ask questions. Sometimes it helps to have someone else you can ask questions to about a subject or what some one has said/wrote to you. You may not end up with a Master/Mistress but a friend who will listen to you and not judge you for being in the lifestyle.

[Fiendish]

Traveler & I usually ask to called by just our names until we have have progressed to knowing if it will work or not. This way there are no strange feelings about meeting again. This also helps to put the other person a little more at ease until everyone knows more.

We always tell those who decide this is not for them that they can contact us to stay in touch or ask questions. Sometimes it helps to have someone else you can ask questions to about a subject or what some one has said/wrote to you. You may not end up with a Master/Mistress but a friend who will listen to you and not judge you for being in the lifestyle.

Both are very good points :)

[ted]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz huh wats happening oh zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz

[Looking4somename]

It's an excellent guide to new slaves that feel submissive but don't really know what to do with it.
I hope people will read it, since I've ran across too many slave-wannabe-s that had many of the above mentioned problems.

[Merlin]

Have to agree with Looking4somename. Very useful thread.
And Ted even if you think that it is so boring for you because you already know everything that is standing here, how about ignoring it then and let the people read it that are interested and may get some useful information from it.

-rep from me

[justuseme2008]

Top class post!!

[doggey girl]

that is great advice

[kinkyslave]

Thanks for posting this thread! It was interesting and informative. Plus, you have a great sense of humor.

sam

[Fiendish]

Thanks for posting this thread! It was interesting and informative. Plus, you have a great sense of humor.

sam

I try, ya know? It's not easy, but I do what I can.

And thanks to everyone else who's made constructive posts here.

[music17]

That was really good advice, thank you. As well I liked how you mentioned about when we should share pictures... right now Im trying to kind of figure that out, I put up a post looking for a master and I keep on getting replys asking for pictures and I just really dont feel comfortable with doing that. But your post was kind of a relief to know that its okay to not send pictures right away.

[SubMissChievous]

That was really good advice, thank you. As well I liked how you mentioned about when we should share pictures... right now Im trying to kind of figure that out, I put up a post looking for a master and I keep on getting replys asking for pictures and I just really dont feel comfortable with doing that. But your post was kind of a relief to know that its okay to not send pictures right away.Not only it's okay but it's my personal opinion that if that's the 1st thing a "master" is asking of you then maybe he's not all that serious... When I 1st came in to this site I was literally "showered" which such messages (like most females here) It's alright to take your time for pics as well as in your search to find the right person. :)

[Fiendish]

That was really good advice, thank you. As well I liked how you mentioned about when we should share pictures... right now Im trying to kind of figure that out, I put up a post looking for a master and I keep on getting replys asking for pictures and I just really dont feel comfortable with doing that. But your post was kind of a relief to know that its okay to not send pictures right away.

yeah, I know what you mean. Don't let a few idiots ruin it for you.

[golden lily]

Something else as well - try talking to any previous or current slaves of the Master... Ask the potential Master for contact info from previous/current slaves (if they are members of the site - not personal contact). If the Master refuses to give the names of slaves, it may be a good warning signal that perhaps He/She has something to hide. And above all, make an informed decision.

[Fiendish]

Something else as well - try talking to any previous or current slaves of the Master... Ask the potential Master for contact info from previous/current slaves (if they are members of the site - not personal contact). If the Master refuses to give the names of slaves, it may be a good warning signal that perhaps He/She has something to hide. And above all, make an informed decision.

:) Nice addition, I can't believe I forgot about that bit!

[Sorrow Becomes Her]

One last bit of info (mostly for slaves) :

Remember you are not His doormat. You are not beneath him, despite having submitted to him. (As you can read in my signature line). There are a lot of guys who like to pretend they're "dom" but are really little more than pushy a--holes with a temper issue. Be sure you're selecting someone who will be in tune with your desires and what you -truly- enjoy. Not just someone who out of the blue, just simply says "on ur knees, suck my..." ...yeah, uhm... I'd rather not, thanks though... stranger.

I apologize I can't remember who said it first here, but that part about the potential master/slave becoming your friend is ABSOLUTELY essential. You can't trust, or be really intimate with someone who you can't be friends with. Think about the situation. If you were dealing with this person for any reason other than D/s sexy stuffs, would you have a nice convesation? Would you really be able to stand listening to this person? This relationship is not just about sex. Or it shouldn't be, anyway.

I'm so very particular on who I submit myself to. If you can't form a half decent, mildly humorous conversation with me, then the chances of me continuing to speak with you (let alone allow you to tell me what to do) are slim at best.

I'm adament about the way I view my Master. I had one who engrained this into my mind so deeply, and my relationship with him was such that, under any other circumstances, we'd be together still. And his fingers would be lacing themselves in my hair now as he gently, but firmly pulls me down to my knees, and won't be happy until I've begged him until I've become so wet with need, my body's juices are dripping down my thighs. *smiles*

That is how I knew I was His.

[Fiendish]

I apologize I can't remember who said it first here, but that part about the potential master/slave becoming your friend is ABSOLUTELY essential. You can't trust, or be really intimate with someone who you can't be friends with. Think about the situation. If you were dealing with this person for any reason other than D/s sexy stuffs, would you have a nice convesation? Would you really be able to stand listening to this person? This relationship is not just about sex. Or it shouldn't be, anyway.

[/COLOR][COLOR=black]I'm so very particular on who I submit myself to. If you can't form a half decent, mildly humorous conversation with me, then the chances of me continuing to speak with you (let alone allow you to tell me what to do) are slim at best.


This is some good stuff right here. Thanks for adding :)

[Merlin]

This is some good stuff right here. Thanks for adding :)Agreed and same goes for golden lily... (+rep for both from me)

[socal_dan]

From a discussion I had with a group of subs, that I really wish more subs understood... BDSM relationships are built on top of regular relationships. That means you get all of the problems and dynamics of a vanilla relationship, along with all of the added complexity of your personal kinks mixing it up. It's important that you realize, and whoever your Dom is realize, that you're still a person, and you need to work as people for the relationship part of it all to work, and not come out of it really hurt as a person.

Kink has the advantage of knowing at the very beginning that at least you have sexual chemistry, if you can talk openly about it and agree that you're both into the same things. That's a hell of a place to start, especially since sex drives most adult relationships... arguably most late adolescent relationships and later at that. But it's easy to forget that there are two people involved in the power exchange, and that it doesn't diminish the person on the sub side of it.

The bit about talking to each other as regular acquaintances the first few times, and having a normal conversation to get to know each other is really really important. The greater the power exchange the more important it is to get familiar with each other, your bounds, and the functional part of the relationship before adding in anything kinky. That's especially true for the subs looking for TPE (I don't know if we have any here), or anything close to it -- once you've entered the bounds of that kind of relationship it's really really hard to stop and go "Look, this isn't right for me" because the relationship is based on you giving up the ability to break the power exchange that way.

Online relationships can be just as demanding as physical relationships, they're just a little less scary because you're not physically at risk. That means you can let yourself get trapped into something emotionally damaging, and end up getting hurt worse by a poor Dom, or even a good one who doesn't realize things are screwed up.

Not to mention, nothing's a bigger turn off as a top than someone who refuses to be themselves and just wants to act a part to get a quick fix and finger bang themselves. I'm not looking for a cyber-session to jerk it to my little power trip fantasies, there's a lot more there driving the fetish than wanting to get off quick. I think that's true for most Doms, and I think it's true that it annoys (or maybe scares) the hell out of us when you instantly act like little lapdogs to try and fulfill something you think we want... which probably isn't what we want. Don't be afraid to just be yourself until you know how things are going.

Submission is about trust, the more you're submitting the more you need to trust the person you're submitting to. Build that trust before you add kink, and save yourself a lot of pain.

[TensionRoom101]

Much to commend in this thread. Bravo.

A couple of minor grumbles- to me 'submissive' and 'slave' are NOT interchangeable, and those of us here with the experience of D/s relationships should hammer that home. Too many submissives on here claim they are seeking to be slaves, and in my vast experience, that is one of the biggest causes of submissives putting themselves in danger.

On the whole though, an excellent post, and equally adept follow ups from fellow pervs.


Mike

[AlwaysAbbi]

This is a brilliant thread I have been looking through a few, after Pingu's advice on my blog. This has been a real help as I'm not particularly sure which path I'm planning on taking and what will happen if I do.

[Night-1991]

Great thread, alot of so called 'subs' or 'slaves' would want to read this, because the advice it gives will be precious. Of course though, there will be a few who will disagree with you, i don't, but i'm just saying.

Some of the S/M threads i've seen around here have been retarded, and of course, they get replies but the ones who make an effort, don't, I really don't get it to be frank.

[Fiendish]

This is a brilliant thread I have been looking through a few, after Pingu's advice on my blog. This has been a real help as I'm not particularly sure which path I'm planning on taking and what will happen if I do.

Happy to help, feel free to talk to me anytime.

Great thread, alot of so called 'subs' or 'slaves' would want to read this, because the advice it gives will be precious. Of course though, there will be a few who will disagree with you, i don't, but i'm just saying.

Some of the S/M threads i've seen around here have been retarded, and of course, they get replies but the ones who make an effort, don't, I really don't get it to be frank.

neither do I, but I keep writing anyway. :D It's out there, and it gets read. That's what's important.

[sherri24]

I'm looking for an older domonant man to serve as a master/daddy. I need someone that is willing to go slowly because i'm a novice when it comes to all of this-- but i am willing to push my limits. I am also willing to be a slave/sub to the right person. This person must also, like me, be extremely safe in everything that he does . I also need all encounters to be completely discrete. Someone

[Kinsey]

As a novice to this I thought this thread was a very good place to start. It has already addressed a few issues I have had. Thanks to all the people who took time to write down their thoughts.

[vulcan]

I definitely agree with most of the comments in this thread. All the information is very valuable both to Masters and to slaves in their search for eachother and for a worthwhile relationship.

All credit to Fiendish for creating the thread and a special thanks to TensionRoom101 for getting in his caveat that slaves and subs are NOT the same. This is my feeling as well and I would have mentioned it myself but TensionRoom101 got there first.

Amazing that even such a good and helpful thread as this still finds a few idiots to comment as well, still never mind just keep up the good work.

Thanks.

[Kinsey]

I completely agree with the slave sub comment as I really did not know which I was. I think it is the latter and not the former. I would hate for someone else to get it wrong and mete out the inappropriate action as happened in my experience. Very scary indeed.