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admireu4ever
11-25-2007, 06:30 PM
Part One:The Fall


Mike was only fifteen, he was an average looking young man. He had his fair share of fantasies, but what normal minded fifteen yearold didn't? It was a normal school day, he had been walking down the street on his way to his first morning class. As he arrived on the scene of school he had tripped, as he fell he had hit his head, blood went gushing out. He felt faint and then saw man walk up to him. Mike closed his eyes as then he woke up.
As he opened his eyes, he felt his bed and looked around to see his room. "Oh, it was only a dream he said. As he stepped out of bed." the clock had been buzzing for a few minutes now. He turned it off then walked to the shower. He took his clothes off, without looking at himself he just did it with thinking everything was as it normally was. As he walked past the mirror he was greeted by a strange reflection, he saw nothing.
"Holy Crap!" he said as he attempted to look at his body, but he found nothing. Mike took a deep breath and put his clothes back on, it would appear that only he was invisble and if he was wearing clothes then he would be seen. He was home alone for the week, his parents had gone on trips to various parts of the nation. Mike tried thinking..."Well, it might just be like a one day thing. Maybe I could have some fun." he also thought "Well, maybe I should tell my parents, but they will never belive me until they see me..or...not see me..." His mind had been made, he'd spend the day as a invisible boy. Or maybe the week. Or maybe...his entire life.

admireu4ever
11-25-2007, 06:46 PM
Part Two:School

Mike had stripped down to nothing, and nobody could see him. He walked out into the cold winter night. He had walked to his school like he normally did. When he arrived outside of the school he had found a group of his friends.
"So, somebody told me Mike is gay. Isn't that crazy?" one of the guys Mike didn't like so much said. Mike had been offended by this comment and he had walked up to the boy and took his foot and kicked him in the balls. The boy fell to the ground crying in pain. Two of the others boys went to help him, the other three started laughing.
The boys walk into school and Mike follows, he arrives in his morning class and he takes his seat like normal. "Good Morning Class, today we are going to be learning about the magical world of math." the teacher said in his boring and dull voice. Mike stands up and walks towards the teacher. He undo's the teachers belt and pulls down his pants. He then pulls down the teachers underwear aswell. The entire class stares as the teachers penis is shown to the entire class. It is super hard at this point and the entire class is laughing. The teacher pulls his boxers back up and sends around ten children to detention.
The teacher finishes his class then the students walk out. Mike walks into the Girl's Lockeroom and watches as the 9th graders undress. He walks over to one female named Samantha who is one of the hottest girls in school. He reaches his hands to her shirt. He tears it right off and then undoes her bra. At this point she is scared. Mike grabs her mouth and begins to play with her breast he sucks them and fianlly lets her go. She gasps for air and everyone looks at her and her hard nipples.

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I hope you enjoy it so far...I got alot more ideas coming.

HSsportsstar 1
11-25-2007, 06:52 PM
keep writing i always wondered what it would be liek to be invisible. Is there any chance that u can add a little more detail to the parts and make them longer. it would make the story a 100 times better

DareByrd
11-25-2007, 06:53 PM
yea it would be better if just a little more detail was added sportsstar...but other than that its a pretty good story

JMOB
11-25-2007, 06:54 PM
ah, another one of my fantasies. GO FOR IT MAN

molten man
11-25-2007, 09:15 PM
Lovely story!! Excellent

admireu4ever
11-25-2007, 10:35 PM
I should have another part tonight...

Love,
Me

molten man
11-25-2007, 11:40 PM
Keep em coming!!

admireu4ever
11-29-2007, 10:35 PM
Part Three:The Lockeroom Revenge

Mike runs out of the Girl's Room and then walks into the Boys Lockeroom. He looks around and see's the school bully. He walks up to the bully and pulls down his pants, he then screams and all the boys look. They all see this small penis and everyone laughs. The girls come running out of there lockeroom to see what happend and everyone see's the bully nude.

Part Four:The Bathroom

Mike walks out knowing that as the camera phones flash the bullies life will be ruined. Mike seemed happy about this and wanted to make himself even happier. Mike had walked into the girl bathroom. He walked up to a girl named Madison who was one of the hottest girls at the school. He then crawls below her skirt and he starts to finger her. She reaches down when she feels the finger and then Mike rushes up and grabs her and locks her in a stall. He then takes off her clothes and begins to fuck her. As he slid his penis inside the girl could not help but enjoy this crazy event. For the next few minutes his penis went in and out. Finally he had cummed. He then grabbed all of Madison's clothes and threw them out the window. He grabbed Madison and threw her out into the hallway and the last class just had gotten out. Once again the photo cameras went click.

ManicD
11-30-2007, 08:49 AM
this has to be one of teh worst written stories i have read and considering i belong to another teenage forum for several years i have read some pretty shit stories

Sum
11-30-2007, 10:04 AM
this has to be one of teh worst written stories i have read and considering i belong to another teenage forum for several years i have read some pretty shit stories

http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=5879 <-- read this

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It's also not the worst story i've read on here, just a little lacking on detail. I think some bits on how the characters reacted more would be good, what they thought was going on etc.
Also ManicD you complain about my story because it's too detailed, you complain about this i assume because it's not detailed enough.
So you clearly thing you can write so i here by challenge you to post your own story, if you're this critical of others it's going to be perfect isn't it.

admireu4ever
11-30-2007, 10:07 PM
Alright,

If you think it isn't a good story that's cool. This story is officaly closed and I'm sorry you disliked this work of mine. I understand I lack detail in some area's but I have about 4 stories I'm working on and I felt as if I just wanted to put a chapter or two out so you guys could have a little somthing.

-Tessdog

molten man
11-30-2007, 10:23 PM
Come on. U cam continue and maybe improve!!

Smile Guy
12-01-2007, 04:17 AM
Alright,

If you think it isn't a good story that's cool. This story is officaly closed and I'm sorry you disliked this work of mine. I understand I lack detail in some area's but I have about 4 stories I'm working on and I felt as if I just wanted to put a chapter or two out so you guys could have a little somthing.

-Tessdog

Tess, don't get moody just because one person criticised it. Continue to the best of your ability... it is good.

Sum
12-01-2007, 07:51 AM
Alright,

If you think it isn't a good story that's cool. This story is officaly closed and I'm sorry you disliked this work of mine. I understand I lack detail in some area's but I have about 4 stories I'm working on and I felt as if I just wanted to put a chapter or two out so you guys could have a little somthing.

-Tessdog

Yeah, don't be discouraged because someone went off about it, that guy seems to have had a go about several stories. I don't see him posting his own though.

SubMissChievous
12-01-2007, 08:10 AM
@ManicD: If you don't like a story, could you please in the future explain why and/or even make suggestions on how writers could make it better? Just saying stuff like what you wrote above isn't constructive at all. Everyone who writes stories here make a lot of effort in their work & they deserve better.

@Tessdog: Don't be discouraged with one bad critic, please! Personally, I was enjoying this story so far. :) I hope you come back on your decision to close it...

grab_my_underware
12-01-2007, 09:35 AM
Priety good story...i like the way you write and all, but...you might wanna make the chapters a little longer,

admireu4ever
12-01-2007, 02:34 PM
Everyone,

Thanks for all of the support, I really don't know why I let that get to me. I have a great idea, how about I make a new story same plot and same idea. I'll just add more detail. Once again, thanks for the support. It's the people like you that make getDare such a great place.

-Tessdog

Pikachu
12-01-2007, 08:43 PM
Everyone,

Thanks for all of the support, I really don't know why I let that get to me. I have a great idea, how about I make a new story same plot and same idea. I'll just add more detail. Once again, thanks for the support. It's the people like you that make getDare such a great place.

-Tessdog

tessdog love seriously its a good story you are by far one of the beter writers on this site continue the story the way it is don't let your critics get to you!!!

in fact prove them wrong continue the story and keep it up personally i like this story....:D

admireu4ever
12-01-2007, 09:26 PM
Thanks, I'm enjoying your story aswell. It has become a quick favorite of mine. I'm going to remake this in a bit...

-Tessdog

molten man
12-03-2007, 01:21 AM
Come on. do not be disheartended and continue writitng!!

ManicD
12-03-2007, 01:15 PM
http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=5879 <-- read this

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edit
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It's also not the worst story i've read on here, just a little lacking on detail. I think some bits on how the characters reacted more would be good, what they thought was going on etc.
Also ManicD you complain about my story because it's too detailed, you complain about this i assume because it's not detailed enough.
So you clearly thing you can write so i here by challenge you to post your own story, if you're this critical of others it's going to be perfect isn't it.



how many book of film critics write their own books of make their own films??

just because i can give a frank and honest opinion on something does not mean i would want to write my own. I can actually write very well when i want to, but i actually tend to hate writing, it bores me.

Still without honest opinions how can people improve. Your story was not only too detailed but it got confusing, there was no continuing structure to it.

this story is simple, "oh i'm invisible, i visit girls locker room, get off, visit guys locker room, get off, visit grandmas shower, get off..." It lacked anything that makes a good story, the characters dont have personalities, the events dont seem real, I've read better emo poetry, Its shit

Sum
12-03-2007, 02:43 PM
Still without honest opinions how can people improve. Your story was not only too detailed but it got confusing, there was no continuing structure to it.

this story is simple, "oh i'm invisible, i visit girls locker room, get off, visit guys locker room, get off, visit grandmas shower, get off..." It lacked anything that makes a good story, the characters dont have personalities, the events dont seem real, I've read better emo poetry, Its shit

See the problem i had with the post you gave was it just basically said, in more words, dude this suxxx. I was going to leave just the link, but then gota bit narked at your attitude.
If you think you give frank and honest opinions please continue to do so, just make sure you give reasons in other words keep things constructive. As an honest opinion alone isn't enough to help someone improve, you need to point out where they're going wrong, otherwise it's just you're purely subjective view with no backing on the item in question.
The review you gave just above, i would to be honest agree with (apart from the last sentence which could almost be a personal attack on admireu4ever.) Would have been nice if you'd said that first off though.
I would argue on the structure on mine but that's your opinion (and the first post was by a different author) The level of detail was to try to create a psychological justification to the characters actions.

molten man
12-03-2007, 10:30 PM
See the problem i had with the post you gave was it just basically said, in more words, dude this suxxx. I was going to leave just the link, but then gota bit narked at your attitude.
If you think you give frank and honest opinions please continue to do so, just make sure you give reasons in other words keep things constructive. As an honest opinion alone isn't enough to help someone improve, you need to point out where they're going wrong, otherwise it's just you're purely subjective view with no backing on the item in question.
The review you gave just above, i would to be honest agree with (apart from the last sentence which could almost be a personal attack on admireu4ever.) Would have been nice if you'd said that first off though.
I would argue on the structure on mine but that's your opinion (and the first post was by a different author) The level of detail was to try to create a psychological justification to the characters actions.



I would second that!! Criticism should be constructive

Submissive_Master
12-03-2007, 11:12 PM
I have critiques for Admireu and ManicD...

ManicD, this is how you critique a story... Grab a pen and pencil, you might want to take notes... Admireu, I think you have a great idea here. Theres alot you can do with it, but i have to partially agree with Manic. Dont take his the wrong way, because I want you to continue writing your story. after all how else will you get better? As far as the invisibility idea goes, like i said before its a good one, but its been done before. As a writer its your job to give this idea a certain twist, spice it up a little! Maybe his new found powers fade every now and then, revealing himself to a select few, who could have taken pictures. Suddenly these new characters have leverage, causing the invisible boy to do thier bidding... My point is, that every good story as a twist, something to hook the reader. Feel free to explore new ideas and try writing things you normally wouldnt write about. Hehe I'll bet you'll find new things out about yourself. :p And as for your characters, I also agree with manic that they need more depth. When I'm first starting a new story, I like to take my characters for a walk in the park. Its just a fun little exercise to help figure out how character thinks and acts. What would he see on this walk? What would he do? Lets say he comes across a crying child, how would the invisible boy react to this situation? After you think about all this, you suddenly have something more to work with. It makes writing good scenes so much easier. Any ways I'll end my senseless rant with this... The art of story telling is not easy, and the fact that you had the guts to post one of your stories on a public forum, well only makes me... Admireu more. :p keep up the good work man, and good luck with future stories :D

molten man
12-06-2007, 09:29 PM
I have critiques for Admireu and ManicD...

ManicD, this is how you critique a story... Grab a pen and pencil, you might want to take notes... Admireu, I think you have a great idea here. Theres alot you can do with it, but i have to partially agree with Manic. Dont take his the wrong way, because I want you to continue writing your story. after all how else will you get better? As far as the invisibility idea goes, like i said before its a good one, but its been done before. As a writer its your job to give this idea a certain twist, spice it up a little! Maybe his new found powers fade every now and then, revealing himself to a select few, who could have taken pictures. Suddenly these new characters have leverage, causing the invisible boy to do thier bidding... My point is, that every good story as a twist, something to hook the reader. Feel free to explore new ideas and try writing things you normally wouldnt write about. Hehe I'll bet you'll find new things out about yourself. :p And as for your characters, I also agree with manic that they need more depth. When I'm first starting a new story, I like to take my characters for a walk in the park. Its just a fun little exercise to help figure out how character thinks and acts. What would he see on this walk? What would he do? Lets say he comes across a crying child, how would the invisible boy react to this situation? After you think about all this, you suddenly have something more to work with. It makes writing good scenes so much easier. Any ways I'll end my senseless rant with this... The art of story telling is not easy, and the fact that you had the guts to post one of your stories on a public forum, well only makes me... Admireu more. :p keep up the good work man, and good luck with future stories :D


I think what he says is right!! The story needs some spice!!

admireu4ever
12-06-2007, 09:48 PM
Well,

I'm going to be really busy the next few weeks...so if someone would like to take over the story...I'd be very happy.

-Tessdog

molten man
12-07-2007, 10:29 PM
Naa Tess. U are the best 1 for the job!!

abgroups
12-08-2007, 02:16 PM
what would i go if i was invisible?

it boggles the mind