My winter break

[Tapout93]

First time posting would like comments on how to make it better or if I need to change a few thing just don't be to harsh plz but if I get good feedback I will continue and pm me with any ideas.


Chapter 1

Hello my name is shane I'm 16, 6'2", black hair, brown eyes, I have a some what athletic body with a nice tan from football and this is what happend over winter break last year.
It was a nice sunny afternoon but boring as fuck so I just sat on my bed and played modern warfare2 on xbox live. The game was tied and as I was about to get the final kill of the game my cell phone rang so when I turned to grab it I got shot in the head and lost. Well after I loged out and turned off the xbox I looked at my phone and read the message from my friends big sister Nina the text said "Truth or dare". Alice is 18 and my best friend Eric's older sister she is 5'4", long blond hair that comes down to her shoulders, nice clear blue eyes, and really nice rack 34C's. It took me awhile before I text her back asking if she was just playing around and I was really hoping she wasn't.
After an hour of waiting she messaged me back telling me to open the front door if I wanted to play so being me I ran down stairs to open the door and just as I hoped she was there waiting but wasn't alone she was standing with June, Bella, Kim, and Brian. I let them in and we all walked in to the living room where we sat and picked kim to start then alice, me, june, brian and then finally bella.
"Ok, alice truth or dare?" kim ask quickly

"Umm...truth I guess." Answered alice

"What is the naughtiest thing you have ever done? Where?" kim replied with a strange look on her face

"It was a few weeks before break at school I was dared by you kim to wear my tightest button up shirt and shortest skirt, with no bra, and at school you gave me wireless vibrating panties to where the whole day."kim said with a nasty glare diracted to kim
I just couldn't believe what I had just heard and was scared of what alice would ask me or dare me to do.

[Tapout93]

If any body can give me any ideas for the second chapter plz help.

[msjn]

you never should have started this thread. I don't know why writers need to take weeks to put something here. Just write the complete story then ask for comments.

[Chloebear,slut[:]

you never should have started this thread. I don't know why writers need to take weeks to put something here. Just write the complete story then ask for comments.

I agree. In my opinion; horribly written.

[Nick]

wow, way to be harsh guys, at least be nice. Writers like ideas from readers so that readers feel like they've affected the story and they like it more because the story now consists of what they like, geez.

Anyways, good first start to a story. It seems like it's moving just a little bit fast and things are a bit random. One second Shane is getting a text and the next girls show up at his front door and they start playing tord.
So maybe slow down a little.
Also, let the descriptions come naturally in the story. You don't have to say things like "this is jake, he's 16, 5'4", 140 pounds, straight, athletic, etc etc." Let those things come naturally in the story. The audience doesn't need all the descriptions right away.
Keep going or try starting over the first part again in this thread if you think you can do better :)

[coolio5]

yeah personally im enjoying the story. My only advice is to slow it down and pay attention to spelling, grammar, etc.

I hope you continue this, and good luck!

[Hunterman36]

Yeah to all you bad mouthing junior members with 1 and 3 posts total FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! leave the author alone its a good story and if you don't like it don't read it jerks