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Maha12347
12-07-2009, 04:23 PM
THIS IS MY FIRST TRY AT WRITING A STORY. ANY COMMENTS AND TIPS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. THIS IS ALL COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.

Characters;
Sophia (myself)
I have shoulder length blonde hair, green eyes, C cup breasts and am hairless in every single place. I am 18.

Janet
Janet is my best friend. Sometimes we are said to be sisters we are so alike. She has silky black hair that flows down her back down to her waist. Though she is much smaller than me, she C cup breasts that look huge on her. Janet is 18.

Daniel
Daniel has wavy chestnut brown hair. His eyes are hazel which matches his hair perfectly. We used to go out. We had been together for 7 weeks, I had kept count. But I broke up with him just last week because I found I liked Ben better and we didn't have much in common. Daniel is 18.

Ben
Ben has golden hair, and blue eyes that sparkle beautifully in the sunlight. Ben and I have gone on a date to the cinema's only two days after I broke up with Daniel. We sat in the back row and kissed. Ben is 18.
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My friends and I decided to go on a camp-out in the forest outside of our isolated town.

We all met at Janet's house so she would drive us out to the camping area. As we piled into her tiny white car, with suitcases on our laps, I wondered whether this weeks vacation would build our friendship or just start a war between us.

As we pulled into the green lush clearing, I breathed deeply, taking in the smell of the forest around us. As the two boys set up the tent Janet and I carted our food and bags from the car. We had done our job before the young men even were halfway through.

"Sophia," Janet asked. "Do you want to come with me to explore?"

I accepted, and soon enough we were trudging along a dirt path wondering where it would lead us. Along the way we saw a river that look great to swim in. Soon it got dark and we decided to return to our tent. The boys had set it up well and had brought in sleeping bags and bags.

We sat down and began to talk.

"What are we supposed to do here?" Daniel questioned us.

"We could always play Truth or Dare." Ben suggested.

I saw excitement in everyones eyes, and knew this was going to be a crazy week.

TiedGuy
12-07-2009, 05:10 PM
Great Start - I definitely hope the guys lose and become the girls slaves for the weekend

Dicedarefan666
12-07-2009, 05:31 PM
Excellent start, decent background info, advanced diction, good use of capitalization, punctuation etc.

You could have gone more in depth with the background info, but honestly, I think you did enough. You set the mood while preserving the ambiguity that separates a good story from a documentary.

I'm not sure if this is non-fiction, but the language used paints a consistent picture of Sophia, and this combined with the first person point of view (Which here is not omniscient but rather, a more personal narrator, like how you know you're hairless, but you don't reveal that personal information about the other characters.) lets us believe that way if we wish. (Another example of your positive use of ambiguity.)

So far, I can't say I'd mind the guys becoming the slaves, but based on what I see here, I have confidence that I'll enjoy the story no matter what direction you take it.

Maha12347
12-07-2009, 08:40 PM
Thanks for your thoughts. For anyone who wants to know, this story isn't real, and Sophia isn't my real name. If anyone has ideas about the story to make it better, I'll take it into concideration!

Maha12347
12-11-2009, 01:22 AM
... I saw excitement in everyones eyes and knew this was going to be a crazy week...

"Great idea," Janet said eagerly. "I love this game!"
"Me too," Daniel glanced at her.
Throughout the whole conversation, I had barely said a word. I sat, thinking about Ben's suggestion.
Truth or dare...
Those words had changed the way I lived since I discovered a website based entirely on that game. It was called GetDare. I had done some pretty extreme dares on that site. I wondered if we would all go that far.
I brought myself back to the present, and realized Ben was speaking to me.
"Well? What do you pick. Truth or Dare?"
"Oh, are we playing?" I asked.
"DUH!" Janet rolled her eyes.
"Umm, well in that case, I pick Truth I guess."
I wonder what is in store for me.
__________________________________________________ ______________

I'm sorry for the short post. I'll make the next post longer.

Modoki
12-12-2009, 09:21 PM
Aw keep going it was getting good!!!! THE SUSPENCE IS KILLIN ME!!!!!! :eek:

Hunterman36
12-12-2009, 11:43 PM
very good Looking forward to more

Maha12347
12-13-2009, 12:00 AM
OMG! I never thought people would actually like my story! thanks for your support.






I wonder what is in store for me.

Ben grinned as he asked me, "Are you a virgin?"

"That's simpler than I thought," I said. "Well yes, I am a virgin, and plan to stay that way for a while still!"

Janet nodded. "Yeah, its obvious, Ben. Sophia's the good girl type."

Don't get me wrong. I love my friend, but sometimes she just says too much.

"Ok, my turn... Daniel! Truth or dare?"

"Dare!" he said excitedly.

I thought to myself whether I should do something extreme. I ran outside; I had just thought of the perfect challenge. I took a bucket with me as I searched for what I wanted.

macjohn
12-13-2009, 02:26 PM
dude u need longer chapters, good plot, your going way too fast, and you are just writing the story for the sex and tord