Discussion: If a Dom and a Sub get married, who will wash the dishes?

[suballyzon]

Okay so this is something I have been wondering for a few weeks now.
There's a whole big boundary between fantasy and real life when it comes to BDSM/D-s dynamic.
My thoughts might be wrong.... If you disagree, don't be too hard on your words to me. We're here for discussion and I'm open to learn, as I'm here still learning myself what is a real-life D/s relationship like.

Although I do enjoy pleasing my Dom in different ways and I take pride in it. I also seek for equality in some aspects of life: such as household chores lol. Is it weird for me to be like this? I mean being in an Asia country, I am already sooooo sick of the term "It's the wife's duty and responsibility to take care of household chores and kids." It truly, deeply sickens me. Especially when there are Doms that seek their subs to be smart, confident, funny and independent (that means the sub will be high-educated, and have a job) in life, yet still want their submissives to do all the home duties??? Is it normal to be submissive with a dominant personality?

I recently just had a conversation with a Dom on fetlife, that seems to have quite a lot of experience and is a respectful person. Well, until I asked him that question LOL. He answered directly, undoubtedly: “the sub will do the dishes”. He literally said it is the wife’s duty to take care of the home. Even if she has a job for herself, she should still not forget her responsibilities: take care of the home. And, if the job is not worth it and affect her being a good housewife, then she should leave the job… I mean, seriously? :( In the end, he shamed me for my thoughts, he told me to “Grow up!” and talked to me like I'm stupid and freaky for my thoughts LOL


I mean everyone has their own opinion and I respect it, but seriously, if a Dom has a job in life, a Sub also has a stable job and she’s happy with it, then who will do the dishes? Who will take the garbage out? Who will clean the house? Will the Dom and the Sub have equal arguments, conversations about the small little things in life?

[Victoria85]

I guess it differs on the type of relationship.
Will it be a 24/7 lifestyle or not? This can make a lot off difference already.

Besides that, there is no one answer. Everybody's relationship is unique, nobody does it the same way. And it sounds to me like you wouldn't be happy in a full time relationship that has some equality in some parts at least.
And those are the things you have to work out together, talk about and everybody has their responsibilities.

And about the dishes, get a dish washer :P

[Masterwants]

I wonder if there is confusion between slave and submissive here?

I guess it’s down to how the individual relationship works and what boundaries are set and how far the submission expands into everyday life.

I certainly wouldn’t expect the submissive to do the dishes all the time, there aren’t my slave. But if they offered I wouldn’t refuse, I prefer to cook and make the mess!

[suballyzon]

I guess it differs on the type of relationship.
Will it be a 24/7 lifestyle or not? This can make a lot off difference already.

Besides that, there is no one answer. Everybody's relationship is unique, nobody does it the same way. And it sounds to me like you wouldn't be happy in a full time relationship that has some equality in some parts at least.
And those are the things you have to work out together, talk about and everybody has their responsibilities.

And about the dishes, get a dish washer :P
Yes it makes sense, it would depend on what the two people agree on in the first place, right? I'm just wondering if a Dom washing the dishes exists haha

I wonder if there is confusion between slave and submissive here?

I guess it’s down to how the individual relationship works and what boundaries are set and how far the submission expands into everyday life.

I certainly wouldn’t expect the submissive to do the dishes all the time, there aren’t my slave. But if they offered I wouldn’t refuse, I prefer to cook and make the mess!

I'm talking about submissive though. I wouldn't have any doubts if it's a slave. But thank you, at least I have faith that what I'm looking for does exist!

And that's so sweeeet I'm usually the one that cooks and makes the mess haha!

[Masterwants]

I do load the dishwasher and season the wok after use! Lol

I think it’s about communication, I’d be concerned about people presuming what a submissive is prepared to do or accept with discussion and agreement...

[Devildom1994]

I agree with whats said before. It depends on the relation. The dom and sub should communicate and set the terms of relationship first. Being a submissive doesn't mean that one is obliged to do anything for the dominant. It all depends on your likes and dislikes. And doms are human too. They do their dishes when they are alone. And they do understand too. All you have to do is communicate what you feel. Proper communication and respect is the foundation of any strong relationship.

[Butterfly]

I married my Dom (who I met on here). We both work full time and we split the household duties evenly. He washes the laundry, I fold it. I cook 80% of the time, and we both clean up from dinner equally. He cleans the kitty litter, takes out the garbage and manages the recycling, and I clean the bathroom.

Our household duties really have nothing to do with our D/s relationship. We are Husband and Wife and that supersedes being Dom and sub.

Things would be different if one of us didn't work, or one of us worked part time, and things will most definitely change when we have children. However, I would not agree to a relationship where we both worked full time and the household duties fell into my lap solely because it was "wifely duties" or "my place as a sub". That doesn't work for me.

Some people want to do that and can make that work, but it isn't the life for me.

My advice is that you need to find somebody who has the same values and ideas about D/s as you. Obviously the Dom you talked to on fetlife is not a good match. But I feel that this is something that needs to be discussed and negotiated in each individual situation.

[suballyzon]

I married my Dom (who I met on here). We both work full time and we split the household duties evenly. He washes the laundry, I fold it. I cook 80% of the time, and we both clean up from dinner equally. He cleans the kitty litter, takes out the garbage and manages the recycling, and I clean the bathroom.

Our household duties really have nothing to do with our D/s relationship. We are Husband and Wife and that supersedes being Dom and sub.

Things would be different if one of us didn't work, or one of us worked part time, and things will most definitely change when we have children. However, I would not agree to a relationship where we both worked full time and the household duties fell into my lap solely because it was "wifely duties" or "my place as a sub". That doesn't work for me.

Some people want to do that and can make that work, but it isn't the life for me.

My advice is that you need to find somebody who has the same values and ideas about D/s as you. Obviously the Dom you talked to on fetlife is not a good match. But I feel that this is something that needs to be discussed and negotiated in each individual situation.

Thanks for the reply, Butterfly. And such a sweet Dom you have! That Dom on fetlife and I were just talking and sharing things, as I'm already owned. But the fact that he got mad when I disagreed made me wonder if my thoughts were a bit strange in the D/s community. However, all the above comments did a great job clarifying things to me!

[ButtPlugBitch]

My husband and I compromise with him doing outside chores and I the inside chores. However, if either of us want/need help we will give a hand. So he hasn't done dishes as he is terrible at it but he has done laundry and vacuum when I asked for help with the chores.

[IceMaiden]

Unless it has been discussed and agreed by both parties, my opinion is that chores should be shared in certain circumstances. For example:

I am submissive to AM. We plan to live together one day. And while we may not get married, we are in love with each other and plan to be/are more than solely sub and dom.

So when we live together, I will do the dishes.... Because AM will cook. He is a much better cook than I am so he plans to take over that chore. I will do the dishes and the majority of other cleaning because I am better than him this way. (Also, my OCD wont allow him to do it and put everything in the wrong place or clean wrongly...but that's besides the point.) I wont be doing any DIY, building, gardening etc. I am terrible at that, so AM will do those type of chores.

Now say we lived together and only he worked. I would do everything except the cooking because he has already said he would still want to cook. But everything else would fall to me because I would be the one at home. I wouldn't expect nor want him to share the chores equally if he was also working full time and I was home full time. BUT I would expect him to help me if I did need some help. (For instance, with DIY. Though he would probably just do those types of chores himself still so it actually got done and properly.) If I worked and he didn't, I would expect him to help with more than just cooking.

If both of us worked I would expect us to share the chores and help each other as and when needed. It all depends on the surrounding circumstances I think.

But to say "you're the sub/wife/female so it's your duty" ...no. Not unless you have communicated discussed and AGREED with that. Even in a slave/master dynamic instead of sub/dom....communication still needs to be present before entering the relationship. And throughout the relationship.

[iSpuds]

*inhale*

Full Disclosure: I pretty much skimmed this thread.

But.

Monkey and I live together. He brings in the sole income (for now). I go to school. He does the dishes.

We tried having me do the dishes. I'm sorry but that shit just ain't happening. I can do the laundry, clean the bathroom, and if the house EVER gets cleaned usually it's me who does it.

But.

I. Will. Not. Do. Dishes.

That was literally a condition to me moving in. I will sooner throw out my dirty dishes and buy new ones. If Monkey doesn't wanna go homeless on cost of dishes, he will wash them. Except plates, because we have paper ones (what a time to be alive T_T).

I just wanted to say this because I have a deep hatred for dirty dishes and for washing them. Especially because I like to cook.

*exhale*

[Happy Me]

iSpuds: I just got all warm and happy inside knowing you hate dishes this much but you still do mine when I’m too ill to keep up on it. *swoons*