Need Advice: How To Be Comfortable As A Sub

[SubbyFootFetishist]

I have a question to lob at y'all, or rather a broad topic that I need some assistance with. Hope you can help.

My problem is that I'm extremely subby, but I'm just not fully comfortable with it. I have a lovely fiancee that is willing to dom me, but I think she doesn't really know what to do with me because, well, I'm not communicating properly.

Even on here, when I'm in a situation where I have to be very submissive to someone, I just get scared. I clam up, get the sweats, and pretty much lose all sexual interest.

I guess it's sort of an advanced form of performance anxiety? I want to be the best sub ever, but I can't because I'm too scared of that side of myself to speak up about it, and that sort of just feeds on it itself. And I'm just at a loss as to what to do to advance that side of the relationship. Do I show her some of my pornography or what??

So my questions are as follow.

For Dominants:

I'm sure some of you have encountered this before. How do you deal with a submissive that is nervous/scared/uncomfortable? Are there any specific strategies you employ to get them to be open with you?

For Submissives:

How did y'all become comfortable with yourselves as you are? I find it hard to believe that there's a trick, but fuck it maybe there is.

Any advice from any side would be appreciated so so much!

Thanks!

[sir sam]

Ok,
You may find tge answer disappointing, but....

To you, as a sub:
"Find a dom that can handle it"

I know, sounds "too obvious", but in fact I think this is the single best answer that exists.

To doms:
"It's fun. Just go slow. As long as your sub has a genuine interest in subbing it is super cute and super challenging to help the sub develop. Every little step willmake the sub sweat. T g at is just soo much fun"

[SubbyFootFetishist]

Ok,
You may find tge answer disappointing, but....

To you, as a sub:
"Find a dom that can handle it"

I know, sounds "too obvious", but in fact I think this is the single best answer that exists.

To doms:
"It's fun. Just go slow. As long as your sub has a genuine interest in subbing it is super cute and super challenging to help the sub develop. Every little step willmake the sub sweat. T g at is just soo much fun"

That's nice in theory. But the reality is that I've found a woman I love more than anything in the world, whom I absolutely want to spend the rest of my life with. So I'm looking for anything I can do on my end that is remotely useful.

Still, thank you for your input :)

[poetrylover828]

Have you talked about things clothes on no play about to happen? If not start there. Talk to her about these feelings. And if that isn't working maybe you should find a kink friendly counselor and speak with them (you can either go alone or have couples sessions).

It sounds like you are in your own head a lot and talking with someone might help to start figuring it out.

As for the fact that you are having trouble sharing what you would like done. Google BDSM or kink lists that have a bunch of kinks/fetishes listed and start going through them. Use highlighters and ones you really want to try mark somehow ones that are no cross out or something. And encourage your partner to do the same thing. Maybe have it be a date night where you two have a nice dinner and a couple of drinks and go over and talk about things you want to try.

Hopefully one of these ideas can help. But honestly I think a counselor of some sort might help with the nerves the most.

[SubbyFootFetishist]

You're probably right. I'm definitely waaaaaay too much in my head. Got the whole diagnosed depression/generalized anxiety disorder shit going on, so that definitely doesn't help.

I'll give it a shot. Thanks so much for the advice :)

[Butterfly]

So I am not sure if this is going to be helpful to your situation or not, but I thought I would give it a shot.

First of all, good on both of you for trying to make this work. It isn't easy to open up like that to somebody, and it is even more rare that you can be accepting and do whatever you can to help the other person.

The most important part is COMMUNICATION! No matter what happens, make sure you talk before, during and after. Sometimes I find that written communication is easier for me. Don't be afraid to write letters or emails to each other to get your feelings out.

I think having you write out some fantasys: both realistic (exactly what you would like her to do to you) and the more elaborate ones would be a good place for her to get some ideas. As a Domme, I sometimes struggle with confidence and knowing exactly what you want is a great start. If you write this out for her, she can study it beforehand and get an idea and plan in her head before you start.

Also having you blindfolded at first could help as well. That way she doesn't feel like you are watching her. It would add something to your experience as well.

Take things slow. Don't jump in for an extreme, or long session at first. Start with experimenting with one things at a time. Make a goal for the session, or set a short time limit. But make sure to also leave things a bit flexible, since things could change in the heat of the moment.

As for you, I think a lot of it has to do with letting yourself give up control and relax. It helps to have a strong dominant partner. They can push through your shyness and take control so you don't even have time to think. At first, this may be difficult while your partner gets her bearings and finds her voice as a Domme. So the best thing to do is let yourself relax and truly submit. Try to turn your mind off and be in the moment. This is wear a blindfold truly could help you as well.

As I said, if you start with small things, even just kneeling and edging, or starting with having her use a toy on you, or demanding that you service her, could be a good start. At a kinky or D/s twist to the sexy things you already do.

Good luck!

[SubbyFootFetishist]

First of all, good on both of you for trying to make this work. It isn't easy to open up like that to somebody, and it is even more rare that you can be accepting and do whatever you can to help the other person.

Thanks. :) Every day is a chance to be better for each other.

I think having you write out some fantasys: both realistic (exactly what you would like her to do to you) and the more elaborate ones would be a good place for her to get some ideas. As a Domme, I sometimes struggle with confidence and knowing exactly what you want is a great start. If you write this out for her, she can study it beforehand and get an idea and plan in her head before you start.

This is such a good idea! I'm much better-written than spoken. Hell, I have a thirty-something page fetish story that I've been working on for ages! Maybe I can try just writing out some fantasy scenarios!

As for you, I think a lot of it has to do with letting yourself give up control and relax.

Probably. I tend to sort of top from the bottom sometimes, which nobody likes.

It helps to have a strong dominant partner. They can push through your shyness and take control so you don't even have time to think. At first, this may be difficult while your partner gets her bearings and finds her voice as a Domme.

Something I've been trying to get her to do is to, shall we say, "utilize" me more in the bedroom. I figure that if she gets used to the idea of having me eat her out at her command and such, thing will be that much more interesting for her.

Moreover, she has her own subby side that she's rather nervous about herself. I really want to tap more into that. I feel like if she experiences some domination for herself, she might have a better idea of what I'm wanting.

Definitely some good food for thought. Thanks so much for the advice so far; y'all are the best!! <3

[sir sam]

That's nice in theory. But the reality is that I've found a woman I love more than anything in the world, whom I absolutely want to spend the rest of my life with. So I'm looking for anything I can do on my end that is remotely useful.

Still, thank you for your input :)

Ok,.. Yes i understand that.
What i tried to say, “don’t worry about being a good sub”. Subbing is about “letting go”. “Worrying about being a good sub” will work contra-productive.

As I said on the dom: just go slow. As you found your eternal love: “you really have all the time of the world”. Don’t bother about subbing in other situations (as you mentioned in your first post), your fiancé is all that matters.

As others said,
Communicate, most importantly, explain (before play, not during) you “really” want this. And hopefully your woman is really open.
Then just start. From your side: don’t try to steer, don’t be busy with thinking whether it is “the right way”. Just let go.
Afterwards communicate again.
First sessions may be “too little” or “not interesting” but they will allow you to feel comfortable with “letting go”. It will allow you lady to feel comfortable with someone who gave up control.
Communicate afterwards. I would say “communication afterwards to take as much time as the session at least”.
It will help to develop the kink. It will help to find each other.

[SubbyFootFetishist]

Okay, I think I understand what you mean better now. Thanks for explaining!

[Stopclick]

First off I'd like to start with a book recommendation for you both: Uniquely Rika. It's not perfect by any means, but it's a good foundation to get you two talking about what you both want to get out of a d/s relationship.

Secondly, on being the best sub ever. I've been there and i know the feeling. So lemmie pose this, What if you weren't? Now i'm not saying intentionally act out or whatever, but what i'm saying is that if you're trying to write, say, a short story, and you get caught up on that being the best ever, it's going to create a sense of paralysis. What if you were to start out with the idea to write a shitty short story instead? Not so hard now is it?

What i'm trying to say is, to both of you, be bad at it, be terrible at the whole thing, there's no right nor wrong. The worse at it you both are the better - remember that it is supposed to be fun and, I know it's hard to let lose, but this is submission. Let yourself submit. It's all letting go.

On a final note, i'd personally recommend against showing her what porn you like - at least whilst you're in the early stages of getting to know each other's respective kink sides.,and especially If (and i don't know what you're into) it's particularly heavy on the latex thigh highs and grovelling boys, as that can be a little overwhelming to dive right into. The both of you will develop something unique and special to you as two individuals, an expression of the relationship that you share. That might look like how kink is portrayed in porn, or it could be territory completely new and unfamiliar to you both. Cheesy as it may be, it's the journey that counts. Make something new together, read books together and play together. You'll work it out.

[Master.P]

I agree with everything said so far, communication is the most important aspect. What I would add is this. It sounds like you are both very new at this and both of you have little to no experience in this. In my years of being in bdsm, I have found that the best Dom/Domme have had some experience as a sub so that they understand the other side. I recommend that since you both have a sub side that at first you try some switching up. In other words show her what you would like by being a top for her in small scenes. Then switch it around and let her do those things as a Domme to you. It will give her the experience of what you will go through, you the experience of what she will go through and open some communication lines for the both of you. After each session regardless of who is in what position talk about it. What you each liked/disliked. What you would like to push farther and what was too much. Set safe words and use them if needed. I would also recommend as I have done with many others that you both knowingly to each other find a mentor to talk to about your respective roles. This is a good place to find those people. Feel free to talk about things with them. By a mentor I mean find someone that is not going to be a Dom/Domme to either of you, but someone that has been there or is currently there and is willing to be both a friend and a guide.

[SubbyFootFetishist]

Thank you, Master P!

Actually, I've already been trying some of your advice! We talked in depth, about this thread, bdsm in general, what we both wanted, etc. Even though we've been together awhile, it's a good idea to revisit this stuff. Things change, yeah?

Anyways, it turns out that she wants to be dominated more! I've been obliging and she loves it, as do I! Even though I'm primarily a sub, I have a good deal of switch in me.

Additionally, we found that she was worried about being this image of a domme that she sees online, in porn videos and such. I told her that I didn't really care about that sort of shit. I'm not interested in some online super-goddess. I want *her* to be dominant, whatever that is.

She's really changed a lot since we talked - she tends to be a fairly gentle sort with her domination, but she gets *super* mean when she's turned on, which is pretty fun for me!

So, in short, we're working on it, things are better, etc. Thank you all SO SO MUCH for your responses in this thread. They've been a huge help! <3

[Master.P]

Sounds like things are going good, but it also sounds like she is being more submissive than dominant with you. Which as long as you are ok with that, than great. If not really what you desire, don't hesitate to talk to her about it. Additionally I would also still recommend that you both find mentors. If you are both going to switch, then find mentors for both sides. If nothing else talking to those who are actually in those roles, and not the online/porn Gods/Goddess that are out there, but real life everyday people, you can both get a better idea, that while it looks great on film, it's not really plausible in everyday real life. I mean seriously, I don't really know any woman that can wear 7-9" stiletto boots and full leather outfits day in and day out, or even slaves that can be chained to a wall or caged all the time. The media/online portrayal and real life can and generally are mostly incorrect. This is where talking to people that have been there can be a help.

[Kitten]

For me, these were the things that got me to become more comfortable.

1. If you don't ask, you don't get. And you'd only have yourself to blame.
2. No matter how "despicable" I turn out to be, that's still me - so it's better to face it and better myself if I'm not happy with it, or I find it's not horrible at all and am pleasantly surprised.
3. The only GUARANTEE of staying unhappy is by never even trying. 50/50 at becoming happy or 100% for sure staying frustrated is not an easy choice (in terms of carrying it out), but it's not a complicated one.