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cameem
06-12-2009, 05:02 PM
Hey I've been in GetDare for a while and I joined recently because I had an idea for a new story. This is my first so comments would be greatly appreciated... ok here goes...

Part 1:
Jess was in college and had dirty blond hair with hazel eyes. She probably wasn't the prettiest girl in the school but she was definitely above average. She had slightly above average breasts and was probably an average height. Jess was a senior and every year the university would have a seniors' camping trip(one of many senior activities). So Jess was going even though none of her friends were going so she was kind of upset, but the thought of going into the woods- cut off from civilization- with her MAJOR crush since freshman year, Matt, going with her made that thought go away.
Matt was a jock and ,being a jock, very well built. He had blond hair and the kind of blue eyes a girl would trade guys for. However even with his incredibly good looks, Matt had never had a girlfriend. Why no one knew... everyone just assumed he was waiting for the right person.
So... The trip ,being expensive, had very little attendance, but Jess had a really well paying job babysitting so she could afford to go. You see... Every other night she would go a couple of blocks down from her apartment and babysit these kids from about 8pm-12am while their-very rich- parents went out. Now considering how close the house was... Jess would go on the bus. It was never a problem and she quickly fell into a routine of walking to the bus stop and waiting about 10 minutes for the bus... Little did she know that routine would get her in a mass amount of trouble..........


It was the night before the trip and Jess had to babysit one last time. The evening went by relatively uneventful except for the occasional crying fit when a kid woke up. While walking to the bus stop Jess was extremely worn out. She had been awake since 5am today because of her faulty alarm clock. "I just need some music and I'll feel better."Jess thought. She had always appreciated a good rock song so she turned on her iPod put a couple on. As she was rocking out a couple of cars passed by and about halfway to the bus stop a Hummer pulled up and the window rolled down. From inside the Hummer a voice called, "HEY JESS!!!" Slowly she turned to see who had called her. Her jaw dropped... in the Hummer was Matt, her crush! She could have sworn she was dreaming!
"Y-y-ya??" she managed to choke out.
"I was just wondering if you wanted to come over for a bit... Me and a friend are hanging out and I was on my way to a friend's to see if they wanted to hang out, but I saw you and I figured , Why not?"
Jess just stood there in shocked silence.
"Well??" He was obviously amused. You could see the smirk on his cute little face.
"Um ya... Ya ya of course!!!"
"Cool! Get in!" Matt said.
Jess walked up to the passenger door and got in as gracefully as she could manage. She clicked on her seatbelt and Matt started up the car. She looked to him and tried to talk. After several failed attempts she just sat back. Right when her head hit the head rest, a hand pressed her head against the seat and another stuffed some sort of makeshift gag in her mouth. The truck came to a stop at the entrance to a parking lot and Matt pulled in. "WAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING?!? WHAT'S IN MY MOUTH?!?" thought Jess. She made a vain attempt to get out but her seat belt stopped her. As she fumbled to undo it a strong pair of hands(she again could not see whose) held her arms behind her back and tightly tied them.
Matt's beautiful face full of regret was the last thing she saw before a blindfold was placed over her eyes. She tried to scream but the gag stopped her.
"You might as well stop struggling. It will only make it worse for you."
"I know that voice anywhere!!" thought Jess. It was John the creepy stalker of hers. Her whole Junior and most of her Senior year consisted mostly of trying to avoid him. Although she was only in one of his classes he managed to spend EVERY second of that class and just about all of the time in between classes with her. John was a jock and even though his short brown hair and matching brown eyes probably could have won over every girl in school, he had chose Jess who had hated him since the first day in Freshman year when all through out the day he would follow her to every class... even though he didn't have any of those classes. He had asked her out countless times and -even though he couldn't imagine why- he was one of Matt's closest friends.
"Just relax" John said in a soothing voice. "If you keep struggling you will have a severe punishment later."
Jess continued to struggle against her bonds and flail her legs to try to kick anything she could.
"Oops! Looks like we forgot those! Matt you can hold them while i tie."
Jess trembled under the touch which she knew to be Matt's. He was so close and he could feel him slightly rub her thighs while her ankles and knees were tied together. When John was done, Matt reluctantly lifted his hands.
"Ok now listen," It was John again "We are going to do something real quick and if you should try to resist we will punish you. If you are a good little girl we will reward you got it??"
Understanding dawned on Jess... She didn't have a choice anymore she was helpless! She slowly nodded.
"Good now sit still"
She heard her skirt being undone. On an impulse Jess tried to stop him but she heard Matt's sweet voice in her ear warning her, "Do you want a punishment?!?" She stopped moving automatically thinking"If they had done this much what else are they going to do to me?!?" Her skirt was completely removed then and she heard it land in the backseat where John had supposedly thrown it.
A hand slowly massaged her inner thighs. "We'll need to take this off too." John was enjoying this... She could tell. Whenever he was around her and he managed to touch her arm or hand or ANYTHING, he would start to hyperventilate... Now he was breathing faster then ever. Her pink cotton thong was slowly slipped down to her knees.
A hand slowly massaged her breasts through her shirt and she tried to concentrate on how good it felt while she heard a rummaging in the glove box on her side. The noise stopped and so did the massaging. She heard the cutting of fabric and her stomach became exposed to the cold air of the AC. This continued until all there was left of her shirt was the collar. Then that too was cut off along with her skirt that had been resting on her knees. Jess was now left with only her pink bra and a vain hope that it would be left on, but of course.... It was unclasped and she felt it on her lap. A sudden blast from the AC was unleashed and she felt her nipples harden
"Do you know how long I've waited for this?"John whispered excitedly into her ear. She felt his mouth go around her already hard nipples. After about two minutes he started to finger her... She was enjoying it... It was hard NOT to... This guy was a pro!! Jess was on the edge of coming..."OK STOP!!!"It was Matt. Jess's thoughts were racing around her head."What?!? Why would he care?!? Just keep going I need to come!!!"
"Come ON dude!!!" John was still hyperventilating.
"We haven't even gotten her home yet!!! At least wait until then!!"
"Ok fine... Let's finish up here then and we'll go home then!"
Jess had caught most of this and was immediately anxious(and disappointed that she didn't get to come). She knew they planned to take her home (Where ever that was) and do something. One thing she was sure of.... She wouldn't like it.
"Ok Jess we're gonna take a couple of pictures to make sure you don't try to leave us.... Oh and I almost forgot... we're going to take your phone also so don't except to call for help."
There was silence and then a flash that could be seen even through the blindfold she was wearing. After about 50 flashes and Matt telling John EVERY contact that was on her phone the blindfold was taken off and John's face appeared in front of her.
"Ok now I'm going to make the pictures a little more interesting. Just remember you must cooperate or else you WILL be punished."
The blindfold was placed on again and Jess was again enveloped in darkness. She heard a faint rustling of clothes and then she got it just in time... She began to struggle.
"What did i tell you about struggling?? Oh well i may enjoy this and forget all about that but I must enjoy it if you don't want that punishment... Now... Open."
He tapped on her mouth and she reluctantly opened it. As she sat waiting for her doomed fate her thoughts trailed to Matt sitting in the drivers seat. "Ok Jess just imagine it's Matt and not John then everything will be ALL better!"
She tried to keep that thought in mind as she felt John's semi-hard cock slide into her mouth. She tried to pleasure him without him getting too excited and cumming in her mouth but she was forced to go faster and deep throat him. After about 35 pictures and about 7 minutes of her giving him head he was on the edge.
"You*pant pant* better*pant pant* swallow all *pant* of it!"
Just as the words came out of his mouth a wave of cum sprayed into her mouth and a pair of strong hands held Jess's head to John's groin as his hips rocked forward. Frantically she swallowed it and forced back the gagging for fear of what they would do to her if she didn't swallow it all. Wave after wave came and picture after picture was taken. Jess was released and the blindfold was removed greeting Jess to the sight of a naked John slumped against the dashboard looking totally spent.
She looked to her right and there was Matt holding the camera with a noticeable tent in his shorts. She locked eyes with him for a moment before looking away, embarrassed with her state and what she had just done. She scanned her body to make sure there was no cum on it. There were a couple drops on her breasts and plenty that she could feel on her face.
"You want to see the pictures???" John had obviously recovered and was holding the camera that Matt had been holding seconds ago.
Jess just sat there.
"I said... You want to see the pictures?!?"
Again she sat there amazed that he would put her through this.
"Ok I guess you will have to learn sometime to listen and reply correctly to your masters. Consider this your first punishment."
John picked Jess up and threw/dragged her with her face against the backseat and her uncovered ass in plain view. After about 30 seconds in her uncomfortable position Jess was wondering what was going on. She looked back to see John with a leather belt and an evil look on his face.Jess pleaded with him through her eyes but he just laughed and brought the belt down with as much force as he could manage. A painful SMACK hit her bare ass and a laugh from John quickly followed. Tears started to stream down her cheeks by the 3rd whip. She was screaming through her gag every painful blow. Twenty-five more painful whips followed and by then Jess was sobbing uncontrollably.
John bent down bringing his lips level with her ear, "I hope you learn from that experience... DID you learn??"
Jess nodded not wanting another beating.
"Ok and i enjoyed that blow job you gave me... I will be expecting more in the future." He came up from her ear.
Jess was thrown on the back seat. Her ass too numb now to even feel pain.
"Now you can look at the pictures."
The camera was turned on and picture after picture was shown to the still sobbing Jess. All the pictures showed her naked with just her or with Jess giving John head or being whipped by him. Jess was still trying to catch up with the events of tonight, "Why is this happening to me?!? Why am I being forced into this?!?"
"Now here are the rules," John seemed unmoved by her sobs, " You will address me as Master or Sir. The same thing is applied for Matt here. When with us you will wear whatever we want you to.... That includes you wearing nothing. You will do whatever we tell you to and quickly or there will be severe punishments. If you continually disobey we will send these pictures to your friends or post them on the INTERNET. If you try to resist your punishment there will be a worse one given. There will be rewards for you when you do well. If I feel you need more rules you will follow whatever I give you. Is that understood?"
Through her uncontrollable hysterics Jess nodded.
"Oh and you are no longer Jess... your new name is John's Slave or Matt's Slave... Depending on who you are serving at the time. If we are both using you you will just be slave. Understood?"
Slave nodded through her hysterics once more. She felt the car was moving again but her sight was blurred by tears.
"When we get there your slavery will start."
Slave heard her masters talking but the only thing she heard was Sir John say "We'll whip her into shape in no time!" And then the words were lost as she slipped into unconsciousness....


To be continued!!!
Thanks for reading I know it was long... Please comment!!!

nich
06-12-2009, 05:55 PM
you could have developed things a little better or wrote with more detail. It is very choppy and loses a lot of the realness factor in that sense. Also, it sounds like you are trying to incorporate a lot of ideas that you have read in other stories, like the "she was surprisingly wet" bit. Unless you somehow inform your readers in some way that she was getting turned on then it makes no sense that the random girl who is getting raped should be freeken wet. Its just unrealistic. My suggestion, write your story out. Then read it out loud to yourself.

Komodo Jones
06-12-2009, 06:17 PM
Unlike Nich, I thought it was pretty good for a first attempt, if this is your first attempt. However, I noticed a lot of spelling and mechanics errors. Also some of the ways you ordered your words made it very difficult to follow. Also some of the details left holes in the story for example what do all the characters look like? And pardon my words for being an English major here but the seductive ambiguity is good but the exposition needs to be flushed out more. In layman terms you have a good way of making the reader want to see more but you need to express more about the characters, who they are, what they want, why do they want their goals achieved stuff like that. If you improve on these factors it could be a lot better. Like nich said carefully proofread your story. Spell and grammar check can only do so much. If you're able to it really helps me out if you print out your story and go through it with a fine-tooth comb.

cameem
06-12-2009, 10:29 PM
you could have developed things a little better or wrote with more detail. It is very choppy and loses a lot of the realness factor in that sense. Also, it sounds like you are trying to incorporate a lot of ideas that you have read in other stories, like the "she was surprisingly wet" bit. Unless you somehow inform your readers in some way that she was getting turned on then it makes no sense that the random girl who is getting raped should be freeken wet. Its just unrealistic. My suggestion, write your story out. Then read it out loud to yourself.

Unlike Nich, I thought it was pretty good for a first attempt, if this is your first attempt. However, I noticed a lot of spelling and mechanics errors. Also some of the ways you ordered your words made it very difficult to follow. Also some of the details left holes in the story for example what do all the characters look like? And pardon my words for being an English major here but the seductive ambiguity is good but the exposition needs to be flushed out more. In layman terms you have a good way of making the reader want to see more but you need to express more about the characters, who they are, what they want, why do they want their goals achieved stuff like that. If you improve on these factors it could be a lot better. Like nich said carefully proofread your story. Spell and grammar check can only do so much. If you're able to it really helps me out if you print out your story and go through it with a fine-tooth comb.

Thank you both for your criticism. I'm going to go through and change it. I hadn't known how to spell check and I'm a horrible speller so I'm glad I know I can finally make my post better... Anyways I better start on changing my post... Thanks again:)

cameem
07-15-2009, 03:34 PM
Hey people!! This is a thread that i started a while ago and failed to complete. I'm thinking about continuing but I wanted some feedback as back-up.
If I did start over it would be in another thread unless someone knows how to change titles:p So if you know how that would be great if you could tell me so I don't have to start another thread.

PS. Please vote on my poll above!

Lovesfundares
07-15-2009, 05:58 PM
i just read an dliked it . so please post more it looks liek a great start =)

interesting
07-15-2009, 09:58 PM
This story doesn't belong here. It belongs in the R-18 section. The subject matter is too extreme. The boys kidnap her, under pretense, tie her up, molest her, then rape her. It doesn't change anything that she likes one of the boys; after such an experience, she would be scarred for life, and her love for him would turn sour very quickly, I think.

As for structure, syntax and punctuation, I agree with Komodo, so I'll add nothing there.

I'm sorry for my harshness, but you wanted my opinion, and that's what it is. Since you don't post your age in your profile, I don't know if you'll be able to continue the story if it is moved, but that is my recommandation. I'm sorry if this bothers anyone.

That is all.

DoGooder
08-09-2009, 02:25 PM
This story is awesome! Don't listen to people who tell you its not!:p

molten man
08-13-2009, 03:32 PM
This story is awesome! Don't listen to people who tell you its not!:p

i second that. amazing story!