naughtylittlegirl
06-26-2014, 09:51 PM
Continued from Pt. 1:
You see, I don't think I realized what I was worth in those early days. I don't think I'd figured out yet that I should more than a toy for doms, that playing casually with doms ought to be more than just a convenient meeting of two people who wanted to get off, that even as a submissive I didn't have to mindlessly bow to the superiority of doms. This was one of those obvious lessons I had to learn.
And a number of other doms, all of whom remain good, respected friends of mine on this site, helped me realize this. One friend told me that male doms far outnumber female doms on gD, and if and when I chose to look for formal submission I would be in high demand, simply because I was statistically rare. He suggested I find out why the dom wants me - this was one of the best pieces of advice I ever received, and it was one of the reasons I knew Wardell and I were right for each other. Many simply leap at the opportunity to land their very own sub and have no real desire to know the person. Unless one is psychic, odds are it will be a rather shallow encounter, and they tend to not last overly long. I sincerely hope that my fellow submissives will never settle for someone who cares nothing for who they are. There are so many dom/mes who know better, who understand that submissives are human beings, and those are the people who have a genuine chance of finding that perfect partner.
Another dom scolded me a little and told me I needed to realize the difference between submitting and doing things that could really hurt me. He was right. Safety was far more serious a matter than I had treated it. From my own experiences I’d realized that the dom who sounds like he knows what he's doing does not necessarily know what he's doing. Furthermore, even for doms with real knowledge and experience, it does not automatically mean everything they command in a session is the right thing to do.
For a time, I managed this with some fairly simple rules for myself. I started asking doms about their experience before we played – not because I have a cut-off, but because I need to make sure I know what to expect. I started to speak up more, firmly, when a dom wanted me to do something that would require pushing a limit or putting myself at risk (this is still something on which I need improvement on, by the way).
Some things, at the request of Wardell (before I had formally submitted to him), were put onto my limit list because I lacked the necessary experience and it wasn’t the right time to pursue those things – and I was extraordinarily grateful for Wardell’s guidance in that regard.
I also started requiring that new things carrying some risk, or which were notably different from my prior experiences, be discussed beforehand so I could do my research, talk it over with my Dom (who has the final say), and think carefully and clearly about whether this is something I am genuinely willing to do. Tough to do that in the middle of a session.
I tried to cut back on my assumptions. The more I experienced, the more I realized the vast range of standards and expectations on gD – whether it should be that way or not is beside the point. I quit assuming doms knew everything (although my Dom does extremely well). I quit assuming that as a sub I ought to do everything I was told, particularly when it involved undue suffering (I am not talking about sado-masochism, because that is a genuine kink with genuine safety considerations). I quit assuming that my worth was accurately indicated by how a dom treated me. A submissive is a person, and his/her wellbeing is important, more important than anyone's sexual fulfillment. If a dom can't manage the first, he is not entitled to the second.
And all this was rather inconvenient, because it slowed down the process of finding playmates, even took a few out of the running. It was inconvenient and often awkward for me to say ‘no’, especially during a session, and that still takes a lot of courage for me to do. It was inconvenient to always have to have the iPad handy to double check, or to tell someone I had to talk to my Dom first, or to not be able to completely let myself go in a session because I had to keep a clear enough head (far less so with my Dom) to constantly consider my own safety. But I often did all this because it allowed me to avoid the inconvenience of having to heal, or seek medical attention, or have to (I shudder to even think this) put off playing with my Dom, and so forth. And this was how I operated for a while, exchanging one inconvenience for another, until I thought back to how my Dom treated me before I was even his. And now it’s finally clicked.
Safety is not about convenience. It would be really convenient if the dom/me and sub could figure out the perfect 'safe' way to do every kinky thing that pops into their heads. It would be really convenient if the order of a dom/me were enough to make the action possible. And it is certainly inconvenient when the sub has to say 'no' to something, the dom/me has to rework that command, if not the whole session, because something 'can't' be done, or when the whole session has to be stopped. It's also very inconvenient when a wrong decision in a session results in days of discomfort and recovery, when it scares someone or puts them off altogether, or when they end up requiring professional medical attention. And it's inconvenient to have to care for a sub during and after a session, and think through all those dangerous possibilities, and help the sub work through the aftermath if and when something does go wrong, and wait to play 'fully' until they've healed. Being human is simply inconvenient.
But you see, safety isn't about convenience. It's about worth.
Real worth, the actual, intrinsic value of a human being in the reality of this world, the kind of worth that does not go away simple because this is not ‘RL’.
In that first story, it was very inconvenient for me to have to take time off to heal, to have to deal with pain and tears and general misery, but the worst of it was being treated as though I was not worth any concern. I cannot tell you why the dom acted as he did, so I won’t even speculate and I certainly won’t accuse. But when I was denied what I knew I needed to obey safely, I should have said ‘no’ right then and there, regardless of how awkward, difficult, and intimidating that seemed at the time. I needed to recognize my own worth, whether the dom did or not, and choose to not put myself at risk, to choose my safety over my comfort and convenience. When I play, if the dom is not giving due consideration to my safety (not necessarily comfort, that’s often different), then it brings into question whether the dom comprehends my worth. I do not want to play with someone who only cares about me as a means to get himself off. There was a time I would indulge that, but now I know better. I don’t say this out of arrogance, as though I think myself some uber-submissive that all dom/mes ought to treat with the utmost consideration because I am that fucking awesome. I am still a new, inexperienced, often naïve, sometimes foolish, submissive who is still a little too eager to please and does not draw the line in the sand soon enough…who also happens to be a human being, and therefore of intrinsic worth.
That means that some things cannot happen, some ideas cannot be acted upon, some fantasies cannot become reality, and some acts should not be forced on the human body when physical limits do not permit a safe route. Our desires do not write the nature of reality, but rather must be subject to it. When we try to pit our desires against reality, reality is going to win and remind us, in various fashions, of the nature of our existence.
Sometimes those reminders include blood.
Rules and guidelines for safety do not exist because they make life more convenient. That’s more of a side effect. They exist because life is worth protecting. They exist because people are worth protecting. They exist because a submissive is more than a (hopefully) self-repairing toy. They exist because there are far worse things than a dom having to wait until after the sub heals to do the full spread of kinky acts again. Submissives don't say 'no' to things they recognize as dangerous because they do not wish to be inconvenienced, but because they know they deserve to be safe and their bodies and minds deserve proper care. Dominants do not go through all that hassle of changing their plans when something cannot be done or providing genuine care, in whatever form, when something does go sideways in a session because it will be more convenient in the long run or because submissives have them over a barrel. They do it because they see value in the submissive, and recognize the need to treat him or her accordingly.
And I am eternally grateful that there are dominants and submissives who understand this and have taken the time to teach me. It’s such a simple, subtle thing, but so utterly necessary that I shudder to think what might have become of me had those people not entered my life
PS: There are a ton of closely-related subject I have not dealt with here, but will attempt to in the near future. For now I would love (and I do mean l-o-v-e) to hear your thoughts on safety, regardless of what they are, because this is something on which I need to get a better grip.
As always, thank you for reading :)
You see, I don't think I realized what I was worth in those early days. I don't think I'd figured out yet that I should more than a toy for doms, that playing casually with doms ought to be more than just a convenient meeting of two people who wanted to get off, that even as a submissive I didn't have to mindlessly bow to the superiority of doms. This was one of those obvious lessons I had to learn.
And a number of other doms, all of whom remain good, respected friends of mine on this site, helped me realize this. One friend told me that male doms far outnumber female doms on gD, and if and when I chose to look for formal submission I would be in high demand, simply because I was statistically rare. He suggested I find out why the dom wants me - this was one of the best pieces of advice I ever received, and it was one of the reasons I knew Wardell and I were right for each other. Many simply leap at the opportunity to land their very own sub and have no real desire to know the person. Unless one is psychic, odds are it will be a rather shallow encounter, and they tend to not last overly long. I sincerely hope that my fellow submissives will never settle for someone who cares nothing for who they are. There are so many dom/mes who know better, who understand that submissives are human beings, and those are the people who have a genuine chance of finding that perfect partner.
Another dom scolded me a little and told me I needed to realize the difference between submitting and doing things that could really hurt me. He was right. Safety was far more serious a matter than I had treated it. From my own experiences I’d realized that the dom who sounds like he knows what he's doing does not necessarily know what he's doing. Furthermore, even for doms with real knowledge and experience, it does not automatically mean everything they command in a session is the right thing to do.
For a time, I managed this with some fairly simple rules for myself. I started asking doms about their experience before we played – not because I have a cut-off, but because I need to make sure I know what to expect. I started to speak up more, firmly, when a dom wanted me to do something that would require pushing a limit or putting myself at risk (this is still something on which I need improvement on, by the way).
Some things, at the request of Wardell (before I had formally submitted to him), were put onto my limit list because I lacked the necessary experience and it wasn’t the right time to pursue those things – and I was extraordinarily grateful for Wardell’s guidance in that regard.
I also started requiring that new things carrying some risk, or which were notably different from my prior experiences, be discussed beforehand so I could do my research, talk it over with my Dom (who has the final say), and think carefully and clearly about whether this is something I am genuinely willing to do. Tough to do that in the middle of a session.
I tried to cut back on my assumptions. The more I experienced, the more I realized the vast range of standards and expectations on gD – whether it should be that way or not is beside the point. I quit assuming doms knew everything (although my Dom does extremely well). I quit assuming that as a sub I ought to do everything I was told, particularly when it involved undue suffering (I am not talking about sado-masochism, because that is a genuine kink with genuine safety considerations). I quit assuming that my worth was accurately indicated by how a dom treated me. A submissive is a person, and his/her wellbeing is important, more important than anyone's sexual fulfillment. If a dom can't manage the first, he is not entitled to the second.
And all this was rather inconvenient, because it slowed down the process of finding playmates, even took a few out of the running. It was inconvenient and often awkward for me to say ‘no’, especially during a session, and that still takes a lot of courage for me to do. It was inconvenient to always have to have the iPad handy to double check, or to tell someone I had to talk to my Dom first, or to not be able to completely let myself go in a session because I had to keep a clear enough head (far less so with my Dom) to constantly consider my own safety. But I often did all this because it allowed me to avoid the inconvenience of having to heal, or seek medical attention, or have to (I shudder to even think this) put off playing with my Dom, and so forth. And this was how I operated for a while, exchanging one inconvenience for another, until I thought back to how my Dom treated me before I was even his. And now it’s finally clicked.
Safety is not about convenience. It would be really convenient if the dom/me and sub could figure out the perfect 'safe' way to do every kinky thing that pops into their heads. It would be really convenient if the order of a dom/me were enough to make the action possible. And it is certainly inconvenient when the sub has to say 'no' to something, the dom/me has to rework that command, if not the whole session, because something 'can't' be done, or when the whole session has to be stopped. It's also very inconvenient when a wrong decision in a session results in days of discomfort and recovery, when it scares someone or puts them off altogether, or when they end up requiring professional medical attention. And it's inconvenient to have to care for a sub during and after a session, and think through all those dangerous possibilities, and help the sub work through the aftermath if and when something does go wrong, and wait to play 'fully' until they've healed. Being human is simply inconvenient.
But you see, safety isn't about convenience. It's about worth.
Real worth, the actual, intrinsic value of a human being in the reality of this world, the kind of worth that does not go away simple because this is not ‘RL’.
In that first story, it was very inconvenient for me to have to take time off to heal, to have to deal with pain and tears and general misery, but the worst of it was being treated as though I was not worth any concern. I cannot tell you why the dom acted as he did, so I won’t even speculate and I certainly won’t accuse. But when I was denied what I knew I needed to obey safely, I should have said ‘no’ right then and there, regardless of how awkward, difficult, and intimidating that seemed at the time. I needed to recognize my own worth, whether the dom did or not, and choose to not put myself at risk, to choose my safety over my comfort and convenience. When I play, if the dom is not giving due consideration to my safety (not necessarily comfort, that’s often different), then it brings into question whether the dom comprehends my worth. I do not want to play with someone who only cares about me as a means to get himself off. There was a time I would indulge that, but now I know better. I don’t say this out of arrogance, as though I think myself some uber-submissive that all dom/mes ought to treat with the utmost consideration because I am that fucking awesome. I am still a new, inexperienced, often naïve, sometimes foolish, submissive who is still a little too eager to please and does not draw the line in the sand soon enough…who also happens to be a human being, and therefore of intrinsic worth.
That means that some things cannot happen, some ideas cannot be acted upon, some fantasies cannot become reality, and some acts should not be forced on the human body when physical limits do not permit a safe route. Our desires do not write the nature of reality, but rather must be subject to it. When we try to pit our desires against reality, reality is going to win and remind us, in various fashions, of the nature of our existence.
Sometimes those reminders include blood.
Rules and guidelines for safety do not exist because they make life more convenient. That’s more of a side effect. They exist because life is worth protecting. They exist because people are worth protecting. They exist because a submissive is more than a (hopefully) self-repairing toy. They exist because there are far worse things than a dom having to wait until after the sub heals to do the full spread of kinky acts again. Submissives don't say 'no' to things they recognize as dangerous because they do not wish to be inconvenienced, but because they know they deserve to be safe and their bodies and minds deserve proper care. Dominants do not go through all that hassle of changing their plans when something cannot be done or providing genuine care, in whatever form, when something does go sideways in a session because it will be more convenient in the long run or because submissives have them over a barrel. They do it because they see value in the submissive, and recognize the need to treat him or her accordingly.
And I am eternally grateful that there are dominants and submissives who understand this and have taken the time to teach me. It’s such a simple, subtle thing, but so utterly necessary that I shudder to think what might have become of me had those people not entered my life
PS: There are a ton of closely-related subject I have not dealt with here, but will attempt to in the near future. For now I would love (and I do mean l-o-v-e) to hear your thoughts on safety, regardless of what they are, because this is something on which I need to get a better grip.
As always, thank you for reading :)