Need some advice and feedback for Halloween Wedgies

[wedgiedares110]

I could use some help with my current story I'm working on called The Halloween Wedgies. If some people could read it, and give me real feedback, advice, suggestions, questions, etc. it would be great.

[Saphir]

Hey, I don't have too much time, but I just read over it and let me name a few things quickly. :)

First of all good work so far, that's quite a bit of text. :3

1. Formatting:
Empty spaces after/before direct speech. Also make paragraphs. It makes it way easier to read. ^^

2. Less "then" (and then, and then) and less starting sentences with names.

3. -> more details, after reading all the chapters, I have problems developing an emotional connection to the characters, as they are not really introduced, they don't really have a personality, because you go right into the action. It is usually better to have not so much "action" but try to make the characters "vivid" to the reader, so few action is already more to the reader, as he can feel with the characters.

It's also quite a few characters... would be better to introduce these not all already in the beginning, but as the stories takes its course. But that's a bit late now

4. Not too frequent updates. Safe text in some file, make chapters about 600-1200 words and post them step by step, every few days to once a week. Otherwise too few people will have a chance to reply. And a huge amount of text without comments usually scares gD readers away^.^

Good luck with your story :)

Love