Pursuing Pleasure in my Story

[Officelover]

I'm looking to please.
The story I'm writing right now, Pursuit of Pleasure (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=118520) is not exactly a crowd-pleaser at the moment. It's very slow, I realize. The think is, I'm attempting to show, over time, the gradual decline and degradation of this person. It will be a very psychological story, I suppose. But at the moment, when I look it over, even I get bored.
Do you guys find it boring? What do you suggest I do with it, as I'm a little stuck, but I want to continue.
Thanks!

~Office

[Saphir]

Hey
sorry that I didn't have time yet to reply to this... (have been seeing this several times...)

First of all, I've read the first part (smoking the joint laying around together) and I think your writing style is very good... hardly anything to complain

Only this looks a bit weird... could've been solved way better...
She still does that. (He thinks it’s cute.)

the italic part then is interesting but a bit hard to read (due to size/italic) and a bit long..

also the next italic part... idk prolly it looks shit to use bigger letter but that way it's kinda hard to read...

---
the whole part 1 is pretty good, (just finished that when she calls him)

But! it's too long in my opinion, for getdare... keep chapters like 1000 words long, especially the first chapter should be short... can make longer ones later on... but if I start reading a story, I don't want to read 1.800 words (including introduction) just to get an impression. :)

I think that's the main thing that keeps people from reading... just my impression...
even if its split into 2 posts it already seems better/less to the reader

not gonna continue reading now... don't have much time right now... if you're still interested, please send me a message and i'll see what I can do when I have some time :)
probably your story developement is slowish, but that's okay and actually good... in my last story I had several chapters before even some hint of sexual content... in case you'd have to put up with a combination... add some sexual stuff but not too much... there is always a spot for that... although you had already some in chapter one... so for that one it's okayish (and I mainly refer to him trying to put his hands on her breast... and well the other thing (having sex totally trashed) links to that but that's not too detailed... him putting his hand on her breast already makes it sexually interesting for me if detailed and fits into a general acting of them (trying it later on again or w/e)

this is probably confused but it's pretty late and yea...
good luck with your story :)

[Officelover]

Thanks Saphir! Yeah, I think you're right. I could keep my updates more concise. Thanks for the feedback, really useful.

[Saphir]

You're welcome :)