Old 01-05-2011, 08:20 AM   #1
also
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Default i want my girlfriend to be dominant

so, i have been seeing my girlfriend for around half a year and things are great.

my problem, or even concern lies in the bedroom. - i'm a sub (mayyybe switch) and am turned on by, and would like to get into more bdsm. i told my girlfriend this (kinda a big deal for me, being quite nervous etc) and she was surprisingly cool about it - she even told me that she wouldnt mind trying stuff out especially if she was the dominant in the play (woohoo!!!).

so this is all great so far. however when it comes down to it and there is an opportunity (i suggest some bondage and we play around with ropes etc) i think she starts to feel self conscious and we tend to just have non adventurous vanilla sex. now, im not complaining about this - its great- but i feel if she got over her inhibitions we would both enjoy ourselves much more.

i think its partly because she hasnt had many sexual partners and has only really started to feel comfortable about having normal sex since we have been going out.

i wasnt sure who to ask as its a pretty delicate issue - i dont think id ask friends.

so how can i make her feel more comfortable and experimental? i really want to give her the power-and she seems into it- but at the moment with me suggesting what to do all the time it feels the other way around, which is not anywhere near as fun.

so thats the situation -PLEASE HELP!

any questions just ask.

thanks
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Old 01-05-2011, 08:33 AM   #2
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First off, you have to sit her down and explain it all clearly. You'll both be nervous so take notes so you don't forget your talking points. Also make sure you have some reading material for your both, this lifestyle is one of trust and experimentation so you want to be as prepared as possible with as much knowledge as you can get. Next show her resources and even examples of the types of things she can do to be more of a Domme/Mistress to you. And most importantly communicate openly together no matter how embarrassed either of you gets.
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:34 AM   #3
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Perhaps one of the biggest stumbling blocks for 'new' Dominants, is self-conciousness. Starting from scratch, particularly for the inexperienced is often a source of 'am i doing this right?' - not in the least because more often than not we go against the way we've been taught to behave 'socially'.

For instance - Between treating someone as we would normally, and treating someone as our Submissive, is a threshold, a small step that we must take for both our and our submissives' satisfaction - we must flick the switch, so to speak, and forget for a moment all those behaviors that we were told are socially sound, in order to be able to give commands and 'make use' of someone - this can be especially hard in the case of someone we care about, and especially for newbies - who aren't accustomed to this click after which we can treat someone who we normally adore with a certain amount of... Perhaps respecting disdain is a correct term to use, here.

In any other setting than in a play session, my grabbing a submissive by their hair and pushing them to their knees in order to place them on their knees - an action that works on more levels than just the physical; placing a submissive on their knees is also a manner of grounding them, of differentiating between now we are friends and now you should kneel before me - will more than likely be reasons for a domestic dispute at worse, and indignance, the gut-reaction of 'you can't treat me like that!' at best.

And that's just the start of it. Especially beginning Dominants will have a little voice screaming at the back of their minds, telling them that they shouldn't be treating friends like that, that they look rediculous, that noone in their right minds will take them seriously - etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

As such, there's not only self-conciousness to overcome, but also guilt, embarassment, and a sense of 'this isn't right' - more often than not, in the case of new Dominants and more experienced Submissives, there's also the wonderment of how someone can truly enjoy being treated in this manner.

The best thing a new Dominant can do is to find support from (a) more experienced Dominant(s), someone who will be capable of reassuring, but also capable of instructing, teaching - of mentoring in a fashion -of explaining the different levels of effect that are caused by the interplay of Dominant and Submissive, the different things to be kept in mind - all in all, someone with whom the new Dominant is able to share experiences and who is capable of putting said experiences in a context that makes sense, as opposed to leaving the new Dominant to guess at what is going on...

Not the least additional benefit of this, is an exchange of techniques, an exchange of tips and tricks and manners of play that add depth to the developing relationship of the new Dominant and their submissive - and more importantly still - they will be able to explain to the new Dominant why they do the things they do, how they do the things they do, and what effect the things they do (should) have.

Naturally, and this is important to note - every person is unique - this is no different when it concerns Dominants and Submissives. Everybody has their own and (at least in their views) valid points of view to bring to bare; from disgintuishing safe, sane & consensual to risk-aware consensual kink and choosing a 'side' - or even deciding whether one wants to choose a side, to the establishment of, and the neccesity or even desirability of a safeword - to name but a few of the myriads of examples i could put on the table.

This is a time of learning for the both of you - give each other time and space. Realisations and completely new kinds of logic will be found; if anything, BDSM is great for teaching one about other people as well as finding out new things about oneself.

My advice, then, would be to find a mentor or mentrix for your Domme - someone who meshes with your both outlook or at least someone who's capable of empathising and understanding both your outlook on BDSM, and capable of helping you two establish a repore, guiding her as well as you yourself through what can only be described as a very, very difficult and complicated time -

The embrace - or at the least acknowledgement of existance - of a completely new, and in a lot of cases, alien lifestyle.

As such - please feel free to ask me any questions you might have - and feel free to let her ask me any questions she might have. I can only offer my views and experiences, but through them i can offer some sense and sanity - and if desired, i'd also be able to direct her to places where she can find tons, and tons of information on the subject.

Good luck, have fun, and may your days be full of knowing grins, and your nights of lustful moans.

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Old 01-05-2011, 11:52 AM   #4
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Alright so to OP, I'm in the same situation as your girlfriend right now. My boyfriend wants me to be dominant and trying to get used to/understand what to do is a pure hell for me especially since I prefer being a submissive myself I have problems with being a dominant to men though not women mainly because I feel squashed in figuring out what to do with you men! Also for further um...understanding as to why its so important to me is I've been with this person for over 2.5 years so lots of invested time! :P

I think trying to find things that don't overstep boundaries too much or things that your partner likes is difficult. One thing you must keep in mind, do not for any reason criticize her during the time she is trying. Give her tips after because it will save the mood from breaking and it will also prevent her from feeling underpar. I've had to stop sessions because I felt like I was trying but it just wasn't good enough so please do keep this in mind. No topping from bottom!

I think in time, when you both are comfortable and found your separate styles for subness/dommeness (couldn't think of a better term), things will seem a lot more smooth. Have some talks about concerns, likes, needs, dislikes, hard limits and styles and hopefully you will find a small basis to get ready with and then hopefully things will gel from there!!!! Good luck!
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Old 01-06-2011, 04:37 PM   #5
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wow thanks guys - such good advice.

to dawotch, yeah you are right - communication= good. i guess following your advice i should tell her straight and just be honest. it is difficult though, and its not like i haven't talked to her about it, i just haven't been very specific about my kinks.

anjelen! sterling advice! i think you are completely right about "flicking the switch" and deviating from social norms. i would love for her to go to someone more experienced for understanding and advice (im sure it would make thinks immediately more interesting)
however, im not sure how she would react. - i will ask her certainly, and if she wants to know, tell her about here and i guess you but that raises another dilemma about places like getdare which idk... i kinda feel like if i told her to look online she would be overwhelmed and freaked out.
perhaps these are just my insecurities but if it feels suitable i will point her in this direction and may contact you with some questions in the future (thanks so much dude!).

hey keykitty, thanks for the advice. mmm topping from the bottom, i know. i have even found myself being like "you know you can do that.... you know you can do that harder" or whatever then im like "wait... - i really dont want to be the one telling you what you can and cant do" i need a gag i think :]
but yeah i will definitely talk to her and raise the things you mentioned. thankssomuch!


but she gets back from holiday this weekend, i was thinking of doing a little self bondage and letting her find me to see where things go from there... meehhh ill probably pussy out but it would be fun.
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Old 01-06-2011, 04:46 PM   #6
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have her give you a handjob, and let her decide when you cum, or if you get to...its pretty simple, and it should get you guys started. it worked for me.
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Old 01-17-2011, 08:07 AM   #7
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Find Societal conditioning, some thoughts...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anjelen View Post
Perhaps one of the biggest stumbling blocks for 'new' Dominants, is self-conciousness. Starting from scratch, particularly for the inexperienced is often a source of 'am i doing this right?' - not in the least because more often than not we go against the way we've been taught to behave 'socially'.
***
And that's just the start of it. Especially beginning Dominants will have a little voice screaming at the back of their minds, telling them that they shouldn't be treating friends like that, that they look rediculous, that noone in their right minds will take them seriously - etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

As such, there's not only self-conciousness to overcome, but also guilt, embarassment, and a sense of 'this isn't right' - more often than not, in the case of new Dominants and more experienced Submissives, there's also the wonderment of how someone can truly enjoy being treated in this manner.
***
This is a time of learning for the both of you - give each other time and space. Realisations and completely new kinds of logic will be found; if anything, BDSM is great for teaching one about other people as well as finding out new things about oneself.
***
Good luck, have fun, and may your days be full of knowing grins, and your nights of lustful moans.

-- Nunc Intellego --

Anjelen's advice is excellent.

I went through "new Master syndrome," so I know how it feels.

1. I would be willing to do something to a man, but not a woman.
Because, "women are weaker than men." True, but irrelevant. Women have a significantly higher pain tolerance than men. This means some men (I mention no names!) are wimpy at pain!
This is societal conditioning.

2. I want to <do something Sadistic>, but no.
No one would want Me to do this to them (My OPINION---not fact!), so anyone who agrees to this is either a fake, or just agreeing with Me, to keep Me hangin' on.
No, they know what they can take. Someone can want more, more, more!, and mean it.

3. Telling other people what to do is wrong.
This is the belief that other people know what they want, better than I. Irrelevant.
You want Her to be in charge. That means She gives orders/direction/guidance, and you obey.

I had a long bad time, learning that there were, indeed, people wanting to be slave as much as I want to be Master. Again, self censorship: I would never be a slave, therefore no one else want to be one, for Me. This is called Projection: You project your views onto someone else.
She won't be submissive, therefore She is having difficulty understanding you are submissive.

I suggest a book, Ask the Man Who Owns him, by david stein and David Schachter. http://tbrough.livejournal.com/24235.html
This book has examples of "This slave gives itself to You" letters in it. The couples are gays, but the desire is the same.
Master Mark was not a Master, so He had to learn. His story might inspire Her. Same situation, too: A long-term relationship He wanted to keep---so He changed!

Also, Manual Creation, by Machelle Kindle. This book has several things going for it. 1. It is close to what you want. 2. Ms Kindle is a female Dominant---this will help the GF. 3. It is in little bits. you and She can use the bits you like, and ignore the rest, maybe to use some of the other bits, in future. 4. Like the previous book, it is well written. This is important, to Me anyway!

One cannot stress too much, communication is essential!

Good luck, and let us know how it turns out, for you and Her!
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