Funny?

[cooperjess]

This is one I saw a while back and am gonna steal, lol.

It's the communist party conference, and Comrade Stalin is smack in the middle of his four-hour speech. Suddenly, someone lets out a mighty sneeze, and the room falls silent.

'WHO SNEEZED?' Stalin demands. The room is silent. 'FIRST ROW, STAND UP!'

The front row slowly rise to their feet, and - *BANG* - are shot down by the guards.

'WHO SNEEZED?' Again, silence. 'SECOND ROW, STAND UP!'

The second row anxiously stands, and - *BANG* - are again shot by the guards.

'WHO SNEEZED?' rings out again across the hall. Slowly, a skinny-looking party member stands up, shaking, in the back row. Convulsing with sobs, he calls out;

'C-C-Comrade Stalin!' he stammers. 'It was m-me! I sneezed!'

Stalin stares at the man for a moment, and says;

'Bless you, Comrade!'

[Jay1993]

I took awoman back to her place from a bar one night, she passed out drunk before anything happened. I had had a couple so I stayed anyway, watching tv all night.

The next morning she woke up with a hang over starting.

"Oh, my head is starting to hurt."
"Hair of the dog?" I asked, lifting a half bottle of vodka from the table.

"No," she said, "I think it was the booze."

Sadly a true story.

[Runesmith]

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant hesitates, ''Well... actually he doesn't really do anything, but the other two call him boss.''

[Runesmith]

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[Runesmith]

Boss: Who said that just because we had sex in the file room at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

[Runesmith]

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"

The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"

"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

[Runesmith]

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

[Runesmith]

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

[Runesmith]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.

No one answered.

''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''

The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

[Runesmith]

What do you call a 350 pound stripper?

Spoiler:

Broke

[Runesmith]

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

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A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."

The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

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A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

[Runesmith]

Q: What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?

A: "Between you and me, we could make a lot of money."

[Runesmith]

A misogynist, a racist, a Nazi and a Russian puppet walk in to a bar.

The bartender says,

Spoiler:

"Hello President Trump. What'll you have? And you Mr Bannon?"

Alternative punchline - the bartender says,

Spoiler:

"Hello Mr President. What'll you have? And you Mr Trump?"

[Locktail]

There's a man and his wife in bed at night, there is a thunder storm raging outside. The man and his wife are trying to sleep, all snuggled up in the cover's when there is a knock at the door.

So the guy puts on his jeans and slippers and goes down stares. He opens the door and through all the wind and rain of the storm there's a man standing, trying to stay up straight in the wind saying "Listen you gotta help me I'm stuck, I need a push, you gotta help me here" so the man reply's "what? I'm not AA." and slams the door.

Goes up to his bedroom and tells his wife who it was. She says "What so you didn't help him?" "No" "Dont you remember that man who helped us last year, we where stuck and he helped us, we never even knew his name. It is you duty to pass that on" So the man say fine and puts back on his slippers and jeans before running downstairs and out the door

He shouts "OH! Where are you, the guy needed a push!" and he says "I'm over here, on the swing"