How not to be a Dumbinant

[Mythologist]

Originally Posted by evilassassin00

You've captured it perfect there.

One of the big points that I've been trying to get across to people is that it is about MUTUAL pleasure. A dominant/submissive relationship is a symbiotic relationship, one side can't exist without the other and each side is complimentary. If you don't nurture the other side it will wither and die.

This is done by respecting the other person, even when at the height of domination or humiliation. Most people don't get that, and they are looking for a quick thrill. Before you can even begin a relationship like this you need to get to know each other and build trust. Even if it's a once off situation you still need this. I've spoken with people online before, who after exchanging 2 or 3 sentences with me tried to jump straight in. I've spoken with "submissives" before who have said that I'm not dominant enough (or variations of this) because I have come across as friendly etc when we first chatted.

The point about being equal and talking as friends is also very valid and each side needs feedback. Every now and then you need to step away from the sub/dom relationship and discuss it as equals. This could be as extreme as a proper conversion, but over time (as in your examples) could merely be the dominant being able to read their submissive.


As always, great post!

I would mention that I, personally, enjoy things more when the sub is enjoying them. I will bring my own likes to the table, my favorite things to do are those things that the sub enjoys. I love it when I get a good response from a sub, and ask for feedback often. So basically, my favorite things tend to be whatever my sub's favorite things are at the time.

[BarefootAlien]

Wow... I wish more dominants were like you. More, I think all dominants should read this! So many doms do exactly what you say, putting themselves first. In a healthy relationship of that type, the power structure is... almost upside-down.

Yes, the dominant is nominally in control, but the session has to be about the sub's needs, or as you say, he or she will not feel safe, and will back out. I'm a switch... I prefer to be submissive, but I can be dominant if the needs of my partner warrant it. I've always said that makes me the very best kind of dominant, because I understand the submissive's needs, his mind, his thoughts. And as a natural submissive myself, I lose myself in my sub's needs.

Maybe that isn't as healthy as what you describe, that true blending of pleasure for both of you, but I think it's still better than the doms who just do random scenes they've seen in porn videos, and get themselves off, leaving the sub feeling empty, used, and unwanted.

So... thank you for writing that! Bravo! Should be required reading for all doms!

[keykitty]

Nicely written and didn't miss anything. To be honest I believe not just doms but subs should read this. Its important to both and should not be missed Glad it has become a sticky.

[Merlin]

yeah, a lot seams to not see that a m/s dynamic is about control exchange not about someone being more important than the other

[Dare861]

Well done on this post.

[Anjelen]

And, to all of the above as well- a heart-felth awww, thanks guys...
You're making me feel like i'm the best thing since sliced bread.

[Perfectionist]

Amazing, just.. amazing.
Thank you.

[nellybell]

*blinks very much in awe* This Is really good. I finally finished reading it, I started it like four times, bit never quite finished. I'm glad now that I did. Great work ^^

[fss]

Really well written, and first of all, really helpful. Thank you very much on this one Anjelen .
Also, I second stickying this.

[MasterPain]

now, this can only help people, if they sit, and think about it. he put his experences down, touched on some key points. but like any bdsm resorce, his words need to be thought about and personalized to fit your dynamic.

dont just go:

"he said slaves like being close" *hug swat swat swat*

take his words and experences and make them your own. THINK!
what i find sad is that most dumbinants will not even read this post.

but then he only touched on a minor part of online dynamics.

first off: if your starting to talk with a submissive, you and her are strangers. HAVING MASTER STAPLED ONTO YOUR SCREEN NAME DOESENT GIVE ANYONE THE RIGHT TO BOSS ANYONE AROUND!!!!!!

sure there is times where a sub gives other masters/doms respect because they are masters, but thats at bdsm clubs and partys... and its respect not submission!

now lets look over tools of an online bdsm relationship their purks and downfalls:

messageboards like getdare: these are good because unlike real life you can say and act how you inwrodly feel, downfalls: dumbanates, creepers, traps, and clueless fakers.

instant messengers: good for instant communications, but now both master and sub must stay teathered to a laptop, cellphone or computer. you can offline message reports, tasks. ect, but now your dependent on mutual times both master and slaves can be online.

now we get to the tool of the webcam:
now you can see the sub preform their tasks... its great! but at what cost?
now the submissive is teathered more closely to their computer as you watch them preform their tasks. thus, from earlyer experence, the master will start giving out more tasks to involve the camra than not. then tasks of racing naked outside to put out the trash, would be replaced by "get on cam, strip, cum, done" teathering the submissive even more to a small square room. then the relationship shifts so that cam is required for tasks, and less on the slave preforming them.

mics: provide closeness as you can hear eachother, but again more of a teather.

phones brake the teather as cell phones can go anywhere and cordeless home phones are abundant. but trust is needed to give out personal information.

now, remember, in a online bdsm relationship, the thing that differs is the submissive does not get the phycal closeness as she would get in a offline relationship. she may burn out preforming her tasks herself for herself.

[bank]

dis is graet your gonna all reed it an go woW!! this is teh tihng!! no moer bad ads liek i am your master b*ch jus strait real kinky ooh yeah

[Anjelen]

Perfectionist, Nellybell, FSS, MasterPain - thank you for your replies and opinions - they are greatly appreciated.

Bank - thank you as well... I think? I'm not certain i can decypher what you mean by your post, especially the 'Just strait real kinky' part...

[Star Shadows]

I think you should get an award for this, I know I have complimented it before but still, I read it again the other day, and I am still in awe of it.

[P.S: and if you don't get one for being possibly one of the smartest, ACTIVE posters in the s/M lounge, because you for sure post the longest threads EVER! ive seen stories shorter than this.]

[V_switch]

A++++++++ post!
This should be stickied for sure.

As a submissive reading this i can not help but be intrigued in how every aspect seems to be correct. In the past i have tryed to be a dominant and am ashamed that i made a fuck load of newbie mistakes and if i had read this thread before hand i may have continued to be dominant. I believe the hottest part of the act is the connection between the submissive and the dominant without that you midiswell be interacting with a cyborg. This was a amazing read and even helps me as a submissive and if i ever try dominating again i will be sure to remember what you have said. After all i always thought of s/m this way "The Master is the Slave to the Slaves pleasures as well as their own"
Thanks again!

[Anjelen]

D'aww, shocks, Star_Shadows. T'ain't nothing. I tend to get verbose about things i'm passionate about

I'll have that award now? Though i'll settle for a peck on the cheek.

@V_switch - I'm glad my little diatribe is helpful to you. May your days be full of knowing grins, and your nights of lustful moans!