Control in your D/s dynamic

[Jaro]

If you are the Dom/Domme in the relationship: when do you feel the most in control? What is it that you make your sub do that makes you feel really in charge?

If you are the sub/slave in the relationship: when do you feel the most controlled? What is it that your Dom/Domme makes you do that makes you feel like you are really not in control?

[qmu]

I don't think many people here will understand, but I never feel I am not in control. And even thinking about losing control is terrifying, not arousing,

For me submission is a choice, I choose to submit for several reasons: making other people laugh or enjoy themselves, because I like the role play of being ordered, doing challenging, embarrassing or fun silly stuff for others or because I was tasked to. And for the more sexual parts the submitting to other does heighten the experience and feelings.

However for me it's always a choice, and specifically with my master between trusting him completely, being able to talk about anything if I see an issue with a task and having a safeword that will stop everything asap should I want to I never feel not in control, even if I do everything he asks me (I guess I like the role play of being controlled but actual control would be bad).

This is probably the reason I will never be able to understand the appeal of being a slave or blackmail or anything where you lose control like teamviewer, parental controls on phone, etc. Sorry if not the answer you were looking for Jaro, but it's something I've thought and talked to other people here multiple times to try to understand...

[Jaro]

Originally Posted by qmu

Sorry if not the answer you were looking for Jaro, but it's something I've thought and talked to other people here multiple times to try to understand...

I have no problem with your answer at all qmu, and I understand it very well.
Thank you for your insight.
I will soon respond more in-depth by writing another blog about my take on control and being a slave.

[Jdelt]

Originally Posted by qmu

However for me it's always a choice, and specifically with my master between trusting him completely, being able to talk about anything if I see an issue with a task and having a safeword that will stop everything asap should I want to I never feel not in control, even if I do everything he asks me (I guess I like the role play of being controlled but actual control would be bad).

This is probably the reason I will never be able to understand the appeal of being a slave or blackmail or anything where you lose control like teamviewer, parental controls on phone, etc. Sorry if not the answer you were looking for Jaro, but it's something I've thought and talked to other people here multiple times to try to understand...

I've said before, there's nothing like the submission of a strong confident woman freely given. It is an amazing gift. When you are pushing someone to their limits, taking them someplace where you know they are a little nervous, or even scared, and you know they could call it off anytime just by using a safeword - and they don't, because they trust you to take care of them - that is an incredible feeling.

I'm a big fan of consensual blackmail. I've posted about it before. One time I had parental control software installed on my victim's cell phone. She said something sassy, and I shut her phone down until she made it up to me by getting undressed, spanking herself, and then masturbating for me to my direction. It was a memorable event not for the acts themselves, but because she had willingly turned herself over to me to that extent. I was on the literal other side of the planet. She voluntarily turned control of her phone over to me, knowing that I could do anything with it or the information inside, based solely on trust.

That felt like control to me.

[little pet]

The thing that make me feel out of control the most is when, after a session usually, Sir tells me that I reacted exactly in the way he wanted me to react. I had the light bulb moment a few weeks ago, and it made me all hot and flustered. He controls even more than I'm aware of. (This is possible because I want to submit, and I allow for it to happen.) During the session I'm not really aware of it. Once, I was so pissed off with Sir. He signed me up to his thread where I had to cum in 90 seconds. I was sure I couldn't do it. But he teased me mercilessly and made me so frustrated and angry, that I did succeed out of pure spite. Turned out that that was the plan all along.

Also, pee control. Especially when I'm locked in my chastity belt. I have to wait and often beg for Sir to get the code to the lock. This makes me feel deliciously helpless.

Denial too. I know that I'm not going to have an orgasm without permission. I could never do it, lie and cheat about it. So when Sir tells me I'm in denial, I know I have no choice whatsoever but to be a good pet and beg and do humiliating tasks to earn just a few seconds of masturbation.

[sir sam]

The control of my pet is quite special indeed. It’s important to realize that it has built over time and is only there because my pet has chosen, and essentially chooses day by day to let me control her.
Indeed she often is not aware of it but that is greatly because she does not really want to know. She just loves to hang into it.

Generally I work from a theme, a concept. From such concept I built a story and let my pet live it. It’s great to have multi day plans. I sometimes plan them fully to the end, but mostly I plan along the theme I had in mind. I may have a theme-plan for a week and insert day by day tasks on it that I create just on the day itself. Make sure intensity matches the long term plan.

A real nice thing for control is to make double plans. The 90 seconds challenge as referenced by my pet is a good example. She could succeed or not. In fact I had a plan for both options. That made it exciting for me as well. I was real curious which plan would come to live.
A good thing of double plans is that there will then never be failure. I have learned to dislike setting up a sub with a task that can fail because that brings a lot of negative energy. Subs, and also my pet, however often like challenges that may “fail”. Creating such challenge in a way that the fail-option includes a treat as well avoids the negative energy.

Originally Posted by little pet

The thing that make me feel out of control the most is when, after a session usually, Sir tells me that I reacted exactly in the way he wanted me to react. I had the light bulb moment a few weeks ago, and it made me all hot and flustered. He controls even more than I'm aware of. (This is possible because I want to submit, and I allow for it to happen.) During the session I'm not really aware of it. Once, I was so pissed off with Sir. He signed me up to his thread where I had to cum in 90 seconds. I was sure I couldn't do it. But he teased me mercilessly and made me so frustrated and angry, that I did succeed out of pure spite. Turned out that that was the plan all along.

Also, pee control. Especially when I'm locked in my chastity belt. I have to wait and often beg for Sir to get the code to the lock. This makes me feel deliciously helpless.

Denial too. I know that I'm not going to have an orgasm without permission. I could never do it, lie and cheat about it. So when Sir tells me I'm in denial, I know I have no choice whatsoever but to be a good pet and beg and do humiliating tasks to earn just a few seconds of masturbation.

[sockless74]

I'm a switch and have a Mistress and I also have subs so I'll answer both questions.

If you are the Dom/Domme in the relationship: when do you feel the most in control? What is it that you make your sub do that makes you feel really in charge?

When I have my sub edging for a very long period of time and she wants to have an orgasm extremely badly and I tell her no.

If you are the sub/slave in the relationship: when do you feel the most controlled? What is it that your Dom/Domme makes you do that makes you feel like you are really not in control?

The same edging situation I mentioned above, but there is one event that made me feel like her property more than any other. We often do confinement inside small enclosed spaces like closets, trunks, cabinets, etc. One Friday night I had to work until midnight so I was alone in the office when I was done. She ordered me to get inside a metal cabinet at work and stay there for 90 minutes without looking at my phone. My Mistress is 8 hours ahead of me so for her it was the morning instead of the middle of the night like it was for me. I set an alarm on my phone to know when the time was up. During that 90 minutes I fell asleep and when I woke up I didn't know how long it had been and was worried I missed the alarm. I looked at my phone and I had 7 minutes left. After the 90 minutes I sent her a message and told her time was up, but I had to be honest about looking at my phone. The punishment was more time in the cabinet. She said she would message me when it was time to get out. I expected 20 minutes more which was what she had told me before. Time kept passing by and I stayed in the cabinet. Finally after 90 more minutes she messaged me and told me I could get out. I already felt like property, but what she told me next was one of the most exciting things I've ever heard her say. She intended to leave me in there for 40 more minutes, but she forgot that I was in there and became distracted with other things. I was treated like property, more than I ever had been before and that was when I felt most controlled and submissive to her.