Doms with a married sub?

[flashmecto]

Hello. I've found myself in an enviable position. A lovely young lady (20 years my junior) has asked me to be her dom after I provided a bit of guidance for her submissive journey over the last few months.

As with all new arrangements, I'm currently feeling this girl out, understanding her limits, her goals, and what will send her quivering with joy at my feet. While her kinks are largely things I can work with, the fact that she is married is new to me. Her young husband is "fine" as long as he's not around to watch his wife serve. Curiously she's quickly offered me control of her orgasms, sex, and masturbation - insisting he'll never miss those things (hence her looking elsewhere, I suspect).

Public meetings would be limited (weekly?) and likely followed by play at my home (never hers). She is already dependent and craves constant virtual communication, tasks, and approval. Thus far the relationship has been largely virtual, apart from several public meetings that involved nothing other than caresses and correcting touches. I'd like to hear from other D/s resources as to how this (a married sub, largely remote) has worked for them.

Thank you

[Runesmith]

I have had married subs before, and currently have one on a long distance relationship in Singapore (whom I only meet physically when I travel there) and one close by to where I live.

Married subs are way more complicated to manage, mainly because they have a life outside of you. And many married subs operate under a higher risk. It is the dom's responsibility to ensure that discretion is maintained, as the sub may often forget it in her eagerness to obey.

The life situation with married subs is more volatile, and you have to make allowances for that. There will be many situations where they go "dark" without being able to leave you a message. The dom needs to be flexible and handle such situations without adding extra stress on the sub.

In your particular situation, the phrase "Her young husband is "fine" as long as he's not around to watch his wife serve" might indicate that she is actually doing this without the explicit consent from the husband. Many married subs say something similar in the beginning because they don't want to scare the guy off. She may eventually come clean and tell you the whole truth, but in the meantime, you should maintain discretion under the assumption the husband doesn't know.

Even in cases where the husband has consented, you still need to maintain discretion, as friends and neighbors of the sub would definitely not be in the know.If a friend/neighbor sees and informs the husband, in the best case you will no longer be able to see her, and in the worst case, her marriage will break up. Even if the husband has consented, once an affair goes public, there are very few options left.

Married subs are looking for someone outside marriage because they don't feel fulfilled. Once you fulfill their desires, there is a risk that she becomes infatuated with you, and may start seeing you as the "perfect husband." If this is your intention - it's fine. If not, then you need to remind her where the line is drawn and never lead her on with anything that might suggest you wish otherwise. In your narrative, the fact that she wants a lot of attention etc is already a red flag in this direction, so for both your sake, you should make things very clear about where you see the relationship going. And yeah - never get her pregnant.

The best way to manage a married sub is by learning her routine, and adjusting your contact times to parts of her schedule when she is likely to be alone. Make sure she puts a passcode on her phone (which is not known to the consenting hubby), and that she turns off full-text on-screen notification for received messages. Make sure when she adds you as a contact on her phone, she uses a generic name (eg. "Mike" instead of "My sex god").

Other than that, enjoy your time with your sub. You are a lucky guy.

[flashmecto]

Thank you for your thoughts. We're on the same page.

She has been very direct with her husband (on her own she wrote property of [me] in an area that sends an unequivocal message), but the friends and family and neighbors thing is certainly an issue.

Sadly as you are probably realizing, my questions and your answers came too late on the most important front. She's infatuated and I'm being compared to husband in ways that don't interest me.

So what is your advice about getting the most out of this relationship without totally dismantling her marriage (especially since she's not going to be the one to put on the brakes there)? Do I just back off and ask for less than I might otherwise? I mean I'm not asking 24/7 slave items, but I still have a pretty tight control on her life (clothes/appearance, food, masturbation/sex, and more). Do I try to sternly withdraw and not give her some of the intimate things she wants (and is not getting from her husband) that were an early part of our virtual encounters? I'm close to instructing her to do things to make sure that marriage is strong. If it explodes, I'm going to end up with a kitten on my doorstep and I'm not prepared for that. Frankly I'd rather end this than have her cooing about us going shopping at IKEA on a Sunday morning.

[Runesmith]

Yeah, when I read your first message I thought this was getting in to the red zone already. I have been in that situation before and it was not that easy to put things back in perspective.

What I did was to remind her the boundary conditions of our relationship, and the fact that she is married and needs to stay within the marriage. I reminded her that our relationship is on a pure dom/sub level for the satisfaction of both parties, and that was what we agreed to in the beginning. I reminded her that we have not discussed nor agreed to anything other than that.

It is unfair in any relationship for a partner to demand more than what they had agreed to, without discussing it with the other. In this case, although she is the sub, she is mentally pressuring you to change the relationship, and this is unfair to you.

Your approach of giving tasks that strengthen her marriage is a good one. In the end, that was what I ended up doing as well. Tasks like cooking her husband a nice meal, giving him a foot massage or wearing lingerie in his presence worked pretty well. In the end, if you are successful, she will become less infatuated with you, but she will also be grateful to you for keeping her within the marriage. It may also happen that you may lose her - either she gets back with her husband, or finds another "dom" who does not care for her well being and risks breaking up her marriage.

Breaking up someone's marriage is never worth it. You subject them to enormous mental pain, and at the same time take on a heavy burden of supporting them. And if your relationship was never a romantic one (from your side) to begin with, you will start hating that burden, and eventually end up hurting her more. As her Dom, you have implicitly taken on the responsibility for her psychological and social well-being. So you have to prioritize that over any loss you may suffer.

Find a long enough time period and initiate a discussion about boundary conditions of your relationship with her. That's a start. It's better to do it via voice or face-to-face than text, if possible. Once you have done that, make sure you don't do anything that changes the dynamic you agreed to.

Wish you the best. Let me know if I can help with suggestions/pointers.