Funny Jokes!

[puppy dog]

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman

[footmuncher]

Where do aliens go for a drink?

A mars bar!

[Komodo Jones]

You know I was reading the news the other day, and I came across an interesting story about two boys who were put in juvenile hall for playing ding-dong ditch on more than 250 people. If you're not aware of ding-dong ditch is, it's where you go up to a door ring the doorbell and hide (or run) so that when the person answers the door there's nobody there. I don't encourage this kind of behavior. Anyway, their methods of this doing was really weird as they rode away on certain animals when the did this. One was a male sheep, and the other was what eyewitnesses reported as an alpaca, even though later it was found that was not the case. The reporter who covered the story that the two boys were put in juvenile hall on the charges of a "rama-llama ding-dong."


I'm not sure if everyone will get that, as it is dated a little bit. This also sounds like something Colin Mochrie would do on Weird Newscasters on "Whose Line is it Anways?" but no I actually came up with this one by myself.

[puppy dog]

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

[taste the rainbow]

So, did you all hear the one about the butter?
No?
I'd butter tell you then!
...But I won't, because I wouldn't want you to spread it.

[puppy dog]

There were three stranded men walking down a sandy beach on a deserted island. They walk a little way and find a magic lamp. So they decide since they are stranded that they might as well rub it. After they rub it a genie pops out and says each one has one wish.

The first man wishes he was at home making love to his wife. POOF, he's gone

The second man wishes that he was at his favorite strip club, drinking a beer with his friends. POOF, he's gone.

The third man doesn't know what to do, so he thinks for a minute and says, "hmm, you know i really wish those two were back here to help me think of a wish".

[Midnight Phantom]

Once there was a hippi and he caught a bus.
He sits behind a nun and says to her. Can I fuck you. The nun doesn't reply.
When he got off the bus driver said I know how you can fuck her. You must wear a gold mask and go to the cemetry on Tuesday night.
So he goes and the nuns there and he says I am God I command you to fuck me. And the nun says okay but it must be in the arse. The hippie agrees and they have sex. After a while the hippie says hang on, you ain't the nun. And the person goes no I'm the bus driver

[puppy dog]

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

[puppy dog]

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck.

" His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to take his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did, " Adam replied.

"Did she like it?" "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in a hour."

[Kitten]

It's blue & it squeels like a piggy?

Spoiler:

- A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

[Runesmith]

A man in a tennis club locker room answers the phone.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 Models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.


He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[subGanymede]

I feel like this thread could use some very slightly more twisted humor.
___
1. Much like children with bone cancer, dark humor never gets old.
__
2. Little Timmy asks his auntie, Why do you have such a big tummy, aunt Lisa?
Because there’s a baby inside.
Do you like babies?
Very much!
Well I still think it isn’t right to eat them.
This one is just kinda cute though^^
___
3. So my wife caught me fucking my daughter the other day.
I'm still not sure if she was more shocked by that or the fact that they gave me the fetus.
___
4. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None, apparently.
__
5. A baby seal walks into a club.
___
6. What do you call the black spots between an elephants toes?
Slow natives.
__
7. Now i'm extremely offended by holocaust jokes. My great-grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He fell off a guard tower.
___
8. My last girlfriend called me a pedophile.
Pretty big word for a 6-year-old.
_
9. So, a guy walks into a bar with a gun and yells "Who the fuck fucked my wife?!". Everybody's silent for a second, then a guy in the back of the bar says "you havent got enough bullets mate"
___
10. On his way to a bar, a guy founds a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He unties her and they have sex.
Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
__
11. What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
^ This the one i'm personally the most offended by ô.o
__
12. I can't be racist, there's a ton of black men in my family tree.
They've been hanging there ever since.
_
I3. I bet you 902115513!7911358 dollars that you didn’t bother to read that number. You just cruised right over it, didn’t you? You didn’t even notice I put a letter in it. No, not the big number silly.

[Runesmith]

A very confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just brought this state of the art watch."

"What's so special about it ?" asks the curious woman.

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now? "

"Well, it says you're not wearing a bra.."

The woman laughs and replies, "well, it must be broken then because I am wearing a bra !"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Ah, the damn thing must be an hour fast !"

[Runesmith]

A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old LadyIs there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: What? Stole the car? Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please..
The old lady opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Lady: Really?! Oh my! Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[Runesmith]

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother he said: "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on Dick, we're leaving."