Old 12-30-2009, 06:18 PM   #1
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Default LilAngel's Guide to BDSM [no longer updated]

This guide begins on my 1000th post. I will (attempt) to update this every week and cover as many topics as possible until ultimately, I'm too lazy to.

I agree that I do not know everything about BDSM. In fact I know very little and any help with this will be greatly appreciated. Since this thread will be closed to replies, please PM me if there's anything you disagree with or topic suggestions.

Also, as you all know, everyone has different viewpoints to many aspects of D/s regarding safety, amount of control, etc. so please, decide things for yourself and/or with your partner.

BDSM is a very fulfilling and rewarding lifestyle to be in, but it takes a lot of commitment, hard work and dedication. Play safe everyone.

-Angel.
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Old 12-30-2009, 06:18 PM   #2
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Default Introduction: Online Prospects

There are many genuine people online who are seeking whatever they say there are. Their intentions are clearly and explicitly stated. No hidden agenda, no catches, nothing. These are the people we all want to meet and get to know. Unfortunately, even with the very limited experience I have, I can estimate that the percentage of people falling into this category is around 5%, while 95% needs help to understand BDSM better, are full or crap, or cannot get their heads together. This applies to those who are submissive as well as those who profess to become dominants.

In retrospect to the real world, the internet is a mechanism which allows one to be completely anonymous. With enough skills and dodgy techniques, many can create a whole new persona for themselves. For others, they might simply lack the ability to recognize the pretenders.

The place within a relationship is something that should be earned, not given. This is true for all aspects of life. If I ever encounter someone who demands a certain treatment simply because they believe they are entitled to it, I would just tell them to jump in a hole. That being said, many dominants would instruct any submissive they interact with to call them ‘Sir’. To many dominants, this is a way for the submissive to show proper respect of the position of dominant without knowing any specific credentials. This however, is just a protocol as more ‘relaxed’ relationships tend to go in a slightly diagonal direction.

The contrast however, is obvious in many chat rooms. Those who feels that they are worthy of being called Master by everyone who is submissive are examples of those who bring down the name of the BDSM community.
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:12 PM   #3
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Default Introduction: BDSM and the World

So, is BDSM something that goes against the societal grain? Many call it the ‘alternative lifestyle’ since it is something quite different from the mainstream. Personally, I opt to explain it to the outside world as less as possible unless I was asked or something was assumed of me. ‘Vanilla’ people cannot comprehend this way of life. Society promotes equality, so the idea of total power exchange may not be the easiest thing to digest.

People are always seeking ways to use things against one another. This is evident in relationships with peers and friends, court battles and problems with exes. Humans have always been ‘trained’ to attempt to elevate themselves at the expense of others.

Many fail to recognize that children and family members are not to be clued in on how we live. Many do not need an ex knowing that he or she is now owned. A child does not need to know the lifestyle choices one makes. These are people who could cause damage with the information.

As mentioned before, this is the ‘alternative’ lifestyle. People living like this are ostracized by the majority of society. Most are too close minded to understand or tolerate the decisions we make. Rather, they try to implement their belief system upon those engaging in BDSM. In other words, an ‘us versus them’ mentality. Many have used themselves, and have put themselves out there for alternative lifestyles. Society is beginning to be more tolerant, but there is still a long way to go. The gay community made great strides yet society is still lagging in the areas of polygamy, M/s, and communal living. Their prejudices still exist.

But why does society name this lifestyle ‘ill’, ‘perverted’ or ‘bizarre’? Quite often, the picture of BDSM is reduced to the idea of crude corporal punishments. People believe what they see in porn flicks. But understand, that no. This is not true. And porn shouldn’t drag the lifestyle behind.
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Old 01-08-2010, 10:55 PM   #4
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Default A Quick Look at the Basics of Safety

MYTH ONE: Bondage safety: the proverbial bandage scissors

You've heard it before. Always have bandage scissors, paper scissors, frog scissors, pig scissors, lemonade scissors, or simply: SCISSORS.

No matter what people say, a pair of bandage scissors at hand, in order to quickly cut through ropes and leather in case on an emergency - that will not work. Bandage scissors will hardly ever cut through ropes and most certainly not through leather! All you will do is probably break the scissors. And hurt yourself.

So what should you do?

If you happen to spot pale limbs, blue bits, or the submissive fainting, true, someone fainting might be a scary experience but if you had been carefully in the beginning, there is enough time for you to simply untie the knots and undo the buckles and locks.

But what about real emergencies. Seizures, heart attacks, etc? Really sharp knives can cut through leather quickly but are unsafe when it comes in close contact with the body in an emergency situation. Generally, be VERY careful when tying up someone with mental illnesses, heart, lungs, blood problems, etc. You do so at your own (and the person you're play with) risk.

Another of your main concerns: oxygen. If any problem arises, make sure you release anything like collars, corsets, ropes around the waist and torso area, etc.) Then follow up with releasing the wrists and arms, and allow them to rest in a comfortable position without any restraint on their backs. Then immediately call an emergency service before continuing releasing anything,


MYTH TWO: General safety: The use of safewords

First this: as a rule of thumb using safewords and safe signals during first and incidental contacts is a good idea. However, in most BDSM-relationships they are considered to be rather... less effective.

Second: Use a word you’re both familiar with.

It is highly unlikely someone in a panic situation will remember, let alone use, code signals such as "red", "strawberry" "billygoat", "kumquat" or whatever! Use plain language for safewords. "Ouch" is not a safeword, but anything that says "Help", "Stop", "Damn", "Shit" or "Fuck (off)" should be taken seriously and at the very least is cause for you to stop and think. Never ever ignore plain language communication and do not force people to use codewords they are not used to for an alarm signal. You don’t want it to be too late. Someone having a heart attack or being shocked by pure current has other things on his or her mind than remembering the correct "safeword".

Third: Do NOT keep playing if a safeword has been used.

This is incredibly dangerous and 99.9% of the time means it when they say ‘red’. As a dominant, they have the responsibility to make sure the submissive is always safe, whether or not the submissive feels like it. A submissive should always trust the dominant in maintaining a healthy, functioning body and with that trust comes a lot of responsibility. Never assume that the submissive is ‘lying’ or ‘can take a bit more’.


Bear this in mind: the average submissive person will make serious attempts to try and follow instructions, provided by the dominant partner and it is far from unlikely they will jeopardize themselves by trying to remember and use the required safeword when instead "I can't breath!" would have been a much better idea. Besides, submissives in an active scene are almost always on an endorphins rush. The very least you will want to do is to make sure that at least his or her primal reflexes work! Safewords never are and never will become (no matter how hard you "train") primal reflexes. A human’s brain simply doesn’t work that way.

More Safety Points
- Do not put shock collars around a human’s neck. It’s too close to one of your main arteries which runs through your neck up to the brain. Also, if the sub happens to get shocked so much they trip, well you just killed a windpipe. Not good. Stay away from the neck; put it on the arms, legs, genitalia area etc. Just. No necks.
- Do not leave someone in suspension bondage unattended. If they fall and hurt themselves, then it’s all because the dominant didn’t take the responsibility of checking up/ watching the slave.
- Make sure you only lend the submissive to someone you feel comfortable around and you can trust. Make sure that there are no dark histories between the two people and inform them of possible illnesses, mental disabilities, or safewords the submissive may have.
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Old 01-13-2010, 10:09 PM   #5
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Default The Story of O (Sequel: Retour à Roissy or Return to Roissy)

Also known as Histoire d’O in French, this story was written by Anne Desclos under the pen name Pauline Réage. This story has now been made into a movie, and has been published by many companies. Originally it was written for her lover (Jean Paulhan) who highly respected the works of Marquis de Sade. The term ‘sadism’ is derived from his name, and was one of the major contributors to the way BDSM is today, losing his life over the freedom to write his erotica which were thought to be bizarre and insane.

Wikipedia:
Quote:

Story of O is a tale of female submission about a beautiful Parisian fashion photographer, O, who is blindfolded, chained, whipped, branded, pierced, made to wear a mask, and taught to be constantly available for oral, vaginal, and anal intercourse. Despite her harsh treatment, O grants permission beforehand for everything that occurs, and her permission is consistently sought.

At the beginning of the story, O's lover, René, brings her to the château of Roissy, where she is trained to serve the men of an elite group. After this first period of training is finished, as a demonstration of their bond and his generosity, René hands O to Sir Stephen, a more dominant master. René wants O to learn to serve someone whom she does not love, and someone who does not love her. Over the course of this training, O falls in love with Sir Stephen and believes him to be in love with her as well. While her vain friend and lover, Jacqueline, is repulsed by O's chains and scars, O herself is proud of her condition as a willing slave. During the summer, Sir Stephen decides to move O to Samois, an old mansion solely inhabited by women for advanced training and body modifications related to submission. There she agrees to receive a branding and a labia piercing with rings marked with Sir Stephen's initials and insignia. At the climax, O appears as a slave, nude but for an owl-like mask, before a large party of guests who treat her solely as an object.
The Roissy triskelion is still widely used today for many major BDSM supplies brands and looks somewhat like this:


Even the BDSM emblem has come to use aspects of it:


While we’re on the topic of the emblem, I’ll take a little time to explain how it is. However, note this is NOT official, it is NOT copyrighted no matter what people say, but it is manners to request permission to use it first.

The three divisions represent the various threesomes of BDSM. First of all, the three divisions of BDSM itself: B&D, D&S, and S&M. Secondly, the three-way creed of BDSM behaviour: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Thirdly, the three divisions of the community: Tops, Bottoms, and Switches. This was the first explanation given by the ‘creator’ Quagmyr.

It is this third symbolism that gives meaning to the holes in each unit. However "together" and "whole" individuals may be, there remains a void within them that can only be filled by a complimentary other. It’s never the same and BDSM cannot be done alone. The holes are ESSENTIAL and cannot be ‘dots’.

The metal and metallic colour of the medallion (mostly coated or covered in gold, silver or iron) represents the chains or irons of BDSM servitude/ownership. The three inner fields are black, representing a celebration of the controlled dark side of BDSM sexuality.

The curved lines themselves can be seen as a graphical representation of a lash mid-swing, or an arm in motion during a spanking. The circle, of course, represents the overlying unity of it all and the oneness of a community that protects its own, even though the community overlaps with aspects of other lifestyles (swingers, role-play, furries, etc.)
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Old 01-19-2010, 02:11 AM   #6
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Default Just Relax and Let Things Flow

This is not a regular update but I really felt that I needed to stress something.

Earlier today in the chat room, I noticed a little debate about the various names or roles if you will, that are said within the society. Things like Sadism/Masochism, Master/slave, Dominant/submissive, Owner/property, Daddy/child or Teacher/ student etc. You don't know how often I hear this from 'experienced' or 'knowledgeable' dominants, submissives, tops, bottoms, whatever. At the end of the day: The relationship is YOURS. Nothing can take that away from you apart from the two people within the relationship.

It doesn't matter what people see it as. You can not call it anything at all if you wish. BDSM is a form of power exchange. No labeling, name calling or anything is necessary unless the people in the relationship feels a need for it. As a close knitted community the BDSM circle is, WHY do we feel the need to distinguish everything from one another. The edges of EVERYTHING within the community is blurred, and people respect that. There's even a blur around the 'Dos and Don'ts' of safety. What is considered rape? What isn't?

NO ONE in the fetish and BDSM community knows everything about it. NO ONE is absolutely 'right' about anything either. A person does not need to live it to understand it. They may grasp it better if they do, but it really isn't all that important.

Loosen up. You don't need to correct everything people say as long as what they're doing is safe. You don't need to act all professional about it just because you know more fancy terms. A person who does things on webcam for other people's enjoyment should NOT be looked down upon. They're happy. The person watching them is probably happy. It is not much different to the things you see on porn. Relationships that work amongst everyday life is just as beautiful and special as the relationships of the Victorian mansion style 24/7 scenes.

Sometimes, the simpler things are a lot more fun and rewarding while other times, the heavier, more expensive gear seems like a better idea. The fact that everyone accepts everyone else the way they are is what makes the community so much more special. Have you ever wondered why the gays/ lesbians/ bisexuals feel so much more 'at home' when they're around... kinksters?

Back to my first point: I was one of those people. Who spent my free time thinking about the differences between a slave and a submissive; and I realised something. Does it really matter? Do we really need the 'levels' of submission to show how dedicated a submissive is? Or how 'dominant' a dominant is? A bedroom sex-only top/bottom relationship can just be as 'fun' and enticing as a weekend long scene.

What I'm trying to say here is: relax a little. Don't worry about the details. The only thing that matters is safety and consent. Everything else is pretty much... undefinable.
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Old 04-09-2010, 01:15 AM   #7
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Default Member Question: Am I being abused? How should I deal with it?

First of all, allow me to break down the aspects of abuse.

- Sexual
- Physical
- Emotional
- Financial
- Verbal
- Mental

What else? There's also domestic violence, which is considered any form of harassment, bullying, bashing, etc. inside your home. These are ALL not your fault and you SHOULDN'T have to put up with it.

Here is how an abusive relationship works. Tension would start to build up, things would start to look 'difficult' and there may be occasional mouthing off. The relationship would start becoming more distant. No matter what you do, it seems that the abuser would find something to go off about. You would begin to start making 'better' choices but it would seem like nothing is working out right. This would begin to build and build until some form of abusive event happens. Quite abusive, but not to the extreme. This would usually then be followed by a period of no violence. Things would be 'settled' and it looks like everything might work out once and for all. To some couples, this is true. However, to many others, the tension would soon start to build again. This cycle would repeat many times, tension - forgiveness, abuse - promises, hatred - guilt.

But you know what? No one deserves to be abused. Abuse should NOT be tolerated in ANY community, especially this one.

How do you know if you're being abused?

- Are you scared of someone who you consider or have considered 'close'?
- Do you have mixed feelings of someone because they say they love you one day and yell at you the next?
- Are you being blamed for things you believe you didn't do, and as a consequence been hit/punched/spitted on/name called?
- Do you feel comfortable having friends around? Is your partner respectful to your friends?
- Are you feeling worn out or confused all the time?
- Do you have an on/off relationship?
- Are you still attracted to your partner for the same thing you were a few years ago (before the abuse started)?
- Do you get to decide on things that happen in the relationship?

Any of these are a sign that you may be in an abusive relationship.

Remember, BDSM is all about consent. Anything you did NOT consent to would be considered abuse. There are no in betweens, no maybes, no what abouts. If it isn't consensual on your part, it is considered ABUSE.

The whole 'You are a bad submissive if you...' or 'You aren't really a true submissive because...' don't apply at all. Abuse is abuse.... is abuse.

Abusers also tend to make it feel like it is YOUR fault. You are NOT to blame. As a human, you have the right to be treated with respect, maintain your dignity and to make decisions yourself without feeling scared of the consequences.

To the person who sent me the question/message, I know personally that you are a submissive. You have the right to say NO. Do so, and do so fast. You have as much right to stop anything whenever it suits you as does the dominant. This right can't ever be taken away from you. Go to a person you trust in real life, and explain the situation to them. If that's not possible, (as we are talking about a S/M relationship here), talk to a sex counselor or therapist. They are out there, you've just got to be resourceful.
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Old 05-18-2010, 01:38 AM   #8
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Default Member Question: Can I trust a man who is into rape fantasy?

I'll try and break down the concept of 'rape fantasies' in this reply, rather than giving you a straight yes/no answer. You can decide that for yourself.

Context:
Here are some questions that you should ask yourself.

How are you meeting up? Where? When?
Do you have a rape fantasy?
Are you comfortable with the fact that you have one?
How close are you guys?
Is the chemistry good and balanced?
What is the mood when you guys are together?
Have either of you been in stress lately
What have you told him about you?
What past experiences has he had?
What are you guys trying to out of this experience?

Scenario:
What would you do in these scenarios? How good is your judgement in situations?

1. You and 'the guy' meets up at a coffee club for the first time. You met from a respectable dating site, one like oasisactive.com. You find his views a little intimidating, but he seems to be openly flirting with you, and comfortable with everything that's going on. The topic of 'rape fantasies' come up, and both of you show interest, but you haven't had a chance to get to know each other that well yet. After an hour or so of talking, you both agree to meet a few more times and leave the details of the rape scene up to him.

Probable Result: A negative experience, perhaps with one or both people hurt and/or upset.

2. A guy you met from an alternative lifestyle website, such as kinktalk.com is sitting across from you at a restaurant. Dessert is just about to be served and you guys have been talking throughout the whole evening. The chemistry is great and you share many values, and interests. You feel like yourself around him, and he seems to be confident around you. You feel like you trust him a little bit more every time he tells you something personal, or gives you a good answer when you tell him something about yourself. Most of all, he is not afraid to tell you the truth. He will tell you or show you that he finds you strange or doesn't agree with you. After a while, you decide to meet up a few more times, try a few short scenes, before re-discussing the idea again, adding a few absolute limits, and leaving the time/place/date up to him.

Probable result: A positive experience. You will have a few small 'disappointments' with the scene, but you are glad that it happened, and you feel that the connection between the two of you have strengthened as a result.


Distinguishing between Consensual and Non-Consensual Rape:
There is no absolute line when it comes to distinguishing between consensual and non-consensual rape. If the scene was negotiated a few months prior to the rape scene, would that be consensual?

Personally, I would have to say that the only form of consensual rape is in role-play type rape. A scene where the defiance and pulling away was discussed already, and it is purely for acting sake. Both sides would have an idea of what the scene would be like, and how it would end, before the scene starts. However, in this scenario, the submissive would have a way of saying 'no' (such as a safeword) and be able to stop the scene whenever he or she wishes.

Non-consensual rape would be anything other than the above. (Again, this is subjective to my opinion, and therefore you must decide for yourself what you believe in.) Here are some signs of non-consensual rape:

- The submissive have no way of getting out of the situation, and this has not been negotiated beforehand. (Safeword has been taken away, or is rendered useless)
- The consent was given a long time ago.
- It is against the person's morals
- No consent was ever given


For me, I would personally say yes. Yes you can trust a man who is into rape fantasies. Now I believe the question you need to ask is, can you trust a man who does not know the difference between a fantasy scene and reality?

No.


Just a reminder, if YOU want this guide to be updated my frequently, ask me questions! As you can see from this post and the previous one, NO personal information is given out. If you feel like the privacy of your gD username is not enough, feel free to email me at [email protected] with an anonymous email.
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Last edited by LilAngel; 05-18-2010 at 01:41 AM.
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:39 PM   #9
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Default Okay boys, listen up.

A little disclaimer: This post may seem a little sexist but trust me, it's not. I see this happen with female submissives too, but I'm just saying this as a point of view from observations of THIS site only. If you are easily offended, please stop reading now.

Browsing the forum lately, I have realised that MANY of you are locked up in your little fantasy world. I'm not saying all of you, just many. No, don't leave now, be a good submissive and keep reading. Gah.

10 things Mistresses wish they could say:

1. DON'T be locked up in your world of having a Mistress Charming. No, she won't come and pick you up because you are a 'stupid unowned slave with no mistress'. Snap out of that fantasy.

2. So you want a Mistress? Then show that potential girl that you got what it takes. Don't sit around and think she's going to come and get you. Show her that you are worth her time.

3. Help her in any way you can. No, I don't mean bugging her every time she seems a little upset over something. I mean letting her know that you will be there if she wants you, and that she can depend on you.

4. dnt tlk lik dis k? juz dnt.

5. Do not call her Mistress, or Goddess or Whateverthefuck until she says so. Remember, you are not her submissive until she says you are! If you want to follow regular BDSM protocol, then Ma'am or 'Ms _____' will do fine. But most of the time, after chatting a little, most likely you'll start addressing each other with first names.

6. Show her that you are a real guy. No, I don't mean wave your penis around on webcam, I mean show her that you have common sense and that you have a back bone! Don't assume all Mistresses like 'worthless men'.

7. Femdom and female supremacy aren't the same thing! One involves real emotion, consent, and trust while the other is completely unrealistic. I'm not saying that a couple engaging in femdom can't roleplay a female supremacy-type scene, but that's completely different.

8. Ask questions when you don't understand something, and open yourself up to being completely honest. No, don't tell her your bank account details, but rather how a certain scene had affected you psychologically.

9. Be willing to accept that sometimes, she just isn't interested in you. I'm sorry. Really.

10. Most of all, make sure you're having fun! If the dominant isn't having fun, most of the time they will tell you! If you have simply lost interest in doing whatever she asks, then tell her so, and talk about it.
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Old 08-27-2010, 01:56 AM   #10
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Default The Story of the Giving Tree [author: Shel Silverstein]

I would like to tell you all a story; one that you may have heard before; one that you will fall in love with.

------------

Once there was a tree and she loved a little boy. And every day, the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and swing from her branches and eat apples. And the boy loved the tree very much. And the tree was happy.

But time went by, and the boy grew older, and the tree was often alone.

The one day the boy came to the tree. The tree said, "Come play and be happy."

"I am too big to climb trees," said the boy.

"I want some money. Can you give me some money?"

"I'm sorry," said the tree, "I have no money. Take my apples and sell them. Then you will have money and you will be happy."

And so the boy gathered her apples and carried them away.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away a long time... and the tree was sad.

And then one day the boy came back.

The tree said, "Come play and be happy."

"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy. "I need a house. Can you give me a house?"

"I have no house," said the tree. "Cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy."

And so the boy cut off her branches and carried them away.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak.

"Come," she whispered. "Come and play."

"I am too old and sad to play," said the boy. "I want a boat that will take me far away... can you give me a boat?"

"Cut down a trunk and make a boat," said the tree. "Then you can sail away and be happy."

And so the boy cut down her trunk, made a boat, and sailed away.

And the tree was happy...

but not really.

And after a long time, the boy came back again.

"I am sorry," said the tree, "but I have nothing left to give you."

"I don't need very much," said the boy, "just a quiet place to sit and rest."

"Well," said the tree straightening herself. "Come, sit down and rest."

And the boy did.

And the tree was happy.

The end.

--------------------------------------------

To all of you out there, think about it. Are you the tree or the boy?

Can you honestly say you are neither?

Trees live for thousands of years. The boy lives only eighty.
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Old 08-27-2010, 03:57 AM   #11
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Default

Hey guys! Don't forget to "thank" this post (under the first post of this thread) and rate it if you like it!

Got any questions/ suggestions/ comments? Feel free to contact me:

1. Email me at [email protected] (anonymous)
2. Or alternatively, shoot me a private message here.

Want more regular updates? Make sure you let me know.

- Angel.
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Last edited by LilAngel; 08-29-2010 at 04:49 AM.
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:29 AM   #12
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Default Questions and Answers #1

These were sent to me a few days ago via an eager user so I'll try my best to answer them!

---

1. How do the people find each other?

Obviously there are the overused sites (Fetlife, Collarme, etc.) and I can't go without advertising KinkTalk, getDare's sister site but the easiest way to find others is via RL events! Do a quick search on Google or find your local sex-toy store or club and they should be able to give you all the details on the next event. Now I do understand that attending these the first time could be a little daunting but just keep in mind that everyone had their first at some point in time! The more you build your network, the easier it becomes.

However if you're the more private type, I would suggest finding someone you really like and seeing if they're into BDSM! Urban myth says that the most innocent ones are often kinky. Who knows... maybe it's true! Just keep in mind to never offend anyone by bringing it up at the wrong time, or pushing it. If they say they are not interested in 'that kind of thing', laugh it off and change the topic. If you're worried that might judge you, you could always try to weave it into the conversation but talking about this friend you met last year who was kinky. [NOTE: Never give this person a name. There is absolutely no need to out anyone.] Watch for their reaction and know when to zip up your mouth!

2. Where does it go from there? Do they just talk to know eachother or it it straight into Mistress/Master mode?

Once you know for certain that they are either into the S/M scene or interested in learning more about it, try to get to know this person more. Non-sexually of course. Where did/do they study? What are their hobbies? The most stable S/M relationships always begin with close friends. You might find it easier on both ends if you try a few 'casual play' first. That way you can see what they are like during play and what you yourself enjoy more. When you begin a longer-term relationship, you will find that being friends allow you to communicate and have better trust.

3. What about online punishments? Is there anyway you really know the sub is doing their punishments? I have heard people using webcams to make sure that the punishments are done, but what if the sub just flat out says no?

Like all relationships, trust is the most important aspect. If a submissive doesn't like the idea of using a webcam, you cannot force them to use it. Same with providing pictures. As a dominant, you should not have to worry about whether the submissive has lied to you or not. Of course the usual 'Have you done ...?' is perfectly fine, but it is up to the submissive to tell you how they feel about the punishment. Many submissives may find it hard to bring up these issues with you so I strongly suggest that you occasionally remind them that they can talk to you about anything they want. The pitfalls of many dominants are the fact that they do not allow the submissive to speak or negotiate.

4. When a person starts out with online BDSM is it necessary to have their slave start a blog and send you daily reports?

Blogs or reports are not necessary but are ideal. They do however become tedious so do not overdo either. Usually, a blog would be sufficient enough to cover the important things they did that day. I would suggest a blog (at least updated weekly) and short quick email at least every 2-3 days. Often times it is more effective for these things to become a habit rather than a chore.

5. When you are on webcam is it necessary for the Mistress/Master to dress sexily to set the mood or can they just wear their pjs?

This is completely up to you. Dress however you wish (Green dinosaur costume for the kicks) but you might find that choosing your clothes 'well' could have certain effects on your submissive.

6. Will people think less of you if you don't show your face or wear a mask over it when you are on webcam?

Well... they really shouldn't. But some people are a little strange, aren't they?

7. What about on those off days when you just feel like being alone?

Again this comes down to communication. In a perfect scenario, the dominant would think of what would be best for you and sometimes... a little distraction might help. If the submissive insists however, the Master/Mistress should be respectful of the submissive and leave it to another day. On the other hand, if the Master/Mistress if feeling down, a quick text/email/etc. would be common protocol and more polite. Like everything else, these things should become natural and will come with time.

8. Is it necessary to check in on your slave once a day or can once a week work just as well? Would the Master/Mistress always have to send orders or will some days just be spent talking?

Really, it is up to the two in the relationship. S/M relationships should not feel like a job with rules and musts. Let the submissive be aware of your schedule, and make sure you are always polite to them - as if they were your friend or colleague. In fact, they should be more important than either of them.

9. Overall how do you feel about online domination? What does it entail? Adding an online aspects seems to me like it would complicate things but it just seems like it would be so much fun to try out!

I really feel hesitant about saying exactly what 'online domination' entails. You should really try it for yourself and build your foundation of knowledge from first hand experience. There is no set answer to anything when it comes to BDSM (heck, people cannot even agree what that acronym stands for!). Always keep an open mind and do not be afraid to talk things through. As you slowly begin to build an image of your ideal relationship, you'll find it easier to find people who are into the same things as you.

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If anyone else has any questions for this guide, feel free to send me a PM. Peace!
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Old 04-17-2012, 02:32 AM   #13
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Default Dominant/Master vs Submissive/Slave Debate

As I am caught short of time, this will be quite a quick post. Since my much controversial thread on the difference between a submissive and a slave a few years ago, my views and my understanding of BDSM has changed drastically.

Submissive vs Slave

To many, these terms are used interchangeably. To others, one may seem 'more real' or 'superior' to the other. But like many things in the BDSM world, there is no set definition of what a submissive is and what a slave is. Heck, we cannot even decide what 'BDSM' actually stands for. Our best hope of understanding the two terms are through analysing personal experiences, and determining whether you actually want to categorise them into submissive behaviour or slave behaviour. For example, using a safe word. Do you (and your partner) consider this a submissive behaviour (as slaves are commonly believed to have 'no limits')?

If yes, this is perfectly reasonable and those who disagree should accept your opinion. However, you should not automatically assume it is the correct belief as individuals in other relationships may have a different interpretation of the two terms. Issues arise in the BDSM community when people are being labelled something that has no defined meaning.

Exclusivity to BDSM Community

It is true that the words 'slave' and 'Master' have been used since humans knew words but they are absolutely not restricted to the BDSM community. However, until recently these words have mostly been used in illegal circumstances. Minority groups or class differences have defined those who are slaves (and those who are not) for thousand of years but luckily, slavery has been outlawed in most countries around the world.

A further debate are in the words 'submissive' and 'dominant'. In my opinion, although these words are used in the BDSM community as a proper noun (and correctly so), they represent a type of personality that is present in all people. Some people can be more submissive than dominant and vice versa, but they do not need to be within the BDSM scene.

Capitalisation
Master, Dom, Sir, Mistress, Miss, etc.

Once again, completely up to the two within a relationship. We all know it is a popular protocol within the scene but it is completely unfair to say that a submissive is 'disrespectful' for not doing so, unless you are their dominant partner.

One of my pet peeves however is when submissives are told to use a lower case in personal pronouns (ie. 'i') and when dominants are required to be capitalised in objective personal pronouns (ie. 'Her', 'His', 'Him'). This may trigger a lot of debate but I find it completely unnecessary for members of the BDSM community to alter the basic rules of the English language in order to demonstrate hierarchy. Respect does not need to be achieved through capitalised words. If that is the only thing defining your relationship, I suggest you sit down with your partner and have a really good talk about it - because to me, that's absurd.

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So there you go; my two cents on one of the most controversial topics in the BDSM community. I really hope that you develop your own opinion however, as it will only help you understand BDSM better.
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Last edited by LilAngel; 04-18-2012 at 03:55 AM.
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Old 12-15-2014, 08:39 PM   #14
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